no more bravery here

Today feels really hard.  I can't imagine going on like this for another 10 years.  in less than a month, i'll celebrate my 30th birthday and still i don't have many answers from these doctors.  i just watched a special on the discovery channel about medical mysteries.  it's amazing how many people go through health problems, and how many times doctors don't know what to do.  I'm so scared.  i have to admit that.  there's no more bravery left inside me.  if i'm able to pull it out, i can't say where it comes from.  I just sit and cry and then i tell myself that there's so much more i want to do in the world and that keeps me going.  I have so many more books i want to write, and i want to fall in love.  I want to stop being so damn scared and ashamed of not knowing what the hell is wrong with me.  I can't imagine spending the rest of my life being nauseous and sick whenever i'm around pollutants.  I guess i'm living in the wrong city.  All my friends think i'm so ******* brave.  maybe, but i'm scared out of my mind and don't feel hopeful.  how about if i told them to feel hopeful.  i hate the fact that i've been through so much and now i'm supposed to pull bravery out from somewhere---where exactly.  it's a place that i won't mention, but it's not a place hope grows that much. everyone says it's important to accept whatever is going on.  what if you don't know what's going on.  tomorrow i'll call the doc and see if i can get an earlier appointment.  i want to work again, and to take care of myself.  it's great to have help, but i want to know i can do it on my own damnit.  i want to fall in love and have kids.  oh the worst part is the insomnia.  if anything will drive you nuts, it's definitely this part of the equation.  i'm going to try going to bed again now, and pull hope out of somewhere at least until i see the next specialist.