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Oncologist visit

Jul 22, 2008 09:43AM - 11 comments

Not so good news here. I knew my Dad had cancer in the liver and lungs. The oncologist was very nice and asked my Dad first what he knew about his condition. Then the doc added what was missing. It seems there's cancer all through the lower spine, pelvis and femurs. That was a nasty surprise. Chemo is out because of his heart not to mention that the cancer is changing and doesn't seem to be just one type any more. It would be hard to target the cancer with the right chemo cocktail. The next step is to do a PET scan on Thursday to see if there's a specific area in the spine that is most localized. If so, they can do some radiation there. It won't cure anything but it may help the pain he's having. If it's as diffused as the rest of the cancer, then the only option is straight to hospice care. Either way, with or without radiation, hospice is going to be started at some point.

I know my Mom was pretty nasty when we were there. She wants my Dad to just go into a hospice facility now. When the doctor said that they could start hospice once a week at their house and increase as needed, I thought she'd explode. The doc said to my Dad that with the family support he has, there's no need to go into full time hospice care right now. I (silently) agree with him but it sure made my Mom mad. She was fussing and fuming all the way home.

And while we were waiting there was a young woman with her husband that came in. It looked like she had gone through brain surgery from the scars on her head. But her hair was growing out now and looked spiky. My Mom was grumbling about how weird she looked. I said she may have had chemo and her hair is just coming back in. My Mom still went on about how weird it was in the back and why did she wear it like that? Then the doctor came out and was talking to the woman. He even gave her bristles a little pat and they laughed together. That really annoyed my Mom and she said he better not be patting her. I again said the woman is probably just thankful to have some hair to pat. She didn't get it.

Not much fun to be around her. My Dad tried to hold her hand as they walked out to the car and she was just irritated and pulled away. Argh!



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by bohan54, Jul 22, 2008 09:51AM
So very very sorry for you, Dad and Mom.  Perhaps a social worker could be of assistance?

by JC145, Jul 22, 2008 09:52AM
Oh, how awful for your Dad and you.  Right now, peace and harmony must reign and it doesn't sound too promising.  I agree with Hospice weekly, then as needed.  If nothing else, they can check to make sure his meds are working for him.  I thought there was some sort of chemo for bone cancer ..  not to cure ... but to relieve the pain .. but in a form of chemo (IV). There is not much I can say to relieve your pain right now.  Just know you are in my thoughts and prayers.  I will pray for your Mom as well ... she's missing out on valuable time.   Judy

by lagoya, Jul 22, 2008 10:08AM
hi
that is a sad story and one very well observed and written i feel like i was there.i have sat in places like that only to see people get bad news and there faces when they come out i always feel it will be me someday.u seem to be strong and i hope u will stay so for your parents in this difficult time .it is probably hard for your mom to understand the doctors but they cant be personal and so will take a chance to have a joke even if it is about someones hair
take care of yourself during this time

thoughts and prayers to you

by ireneo, Jul 22, 2008 10:21AM
Bohan - from our experience with hospice care before, they do send a nurse, a volunteer to give my Mom some free time and some kind of counselor to help. My Mom did not take advantage of the volunteer/respite time. She stayed home and talked to the vol. rather than get out and about for awhile. Oh, my Dad nearly died due to heart failure back in 2006/07 but it stabilized enough that he came off hospice care. His heart is still in terrible shape however.

JC145 - Because of my Dad's bad heart, chemo can't be used. Chemo is quite a burden on the body anyway and his heart is barely working as it is. Plus the cancer is too diffuse and non-differentiated (is that a word) to find the right chemo treatment. They may do some radiation on the spine to help with pain. The PET scan on Thurs. will let us know if that's even a possibility.

lagoya - When I almost lost my Dad back in 2006, I had to deal with the grief and fear of what might happen to him. I've had time to face the fact that he will be gone soon. I just thought he'd go to sleep and his heart would give out. I never expected cancer to be added to the list of problems. My bigger burden is finding ways to deal with my Mom's anger.

by lvfrogs, Jul 22, 2008 10:27AM
I posted once but apparently it didn't take. I am very sorry to hear about this. I would love to be there to give you a big hug and to let you vent.  I am sorry that your mom did not respond very well. Maybe she is just scared? I know that sometimes people don't react the way that we want or expect. I will keep her in my prayers for her to be able to have compassion for your dad, prayers that you will be able to be strong for everyone, to handle your mom, and to comfort you and prayers for your father as well.  Hugs for you,
Colleen

by Gatsby, Jul 22, 2008 10:54AM
So sorry to hear about this.  My dad had cancer in his liver and lungs, then it spread all over.  He got his from agent orange exposure during vietnam.  Anyway, during his chemo and treatment, my mother just could not be bothered.  It was much more important for her to go to school (she was getting her degree in art history).  She also seemed very angry.  Dad lost his battle at the age of 57 (11 months after being dx).  I think my mother's avoidance and anger was her way of coping.  She never remarried...it's been 15 years.  I think she just couldn't believe this was happening and was mad at the world.  She would do the same things, pulling away etc.  Maybe it is the same with your mom.  Counseling or a social worker may be a good idea.
~Tascha

by Jan214, Jul 22, 2008 11:11AM
I am so terribly sorry that you are going through this and I know it doesn't make it any easier with your mom being so negative (?), is that the right word for her attitude?   What is her objection to home hospice and why is she wanting to put him in a facility instead of having him at home.  My FIL who just passed away from pancreatic cancer in Feb had hospice care at home where he was able to be surrounded by his family, his things and he passed away in his own bed.  Normally I wouldn't ask this question, but you and I are friends enough that I think I can. I hope it doesn't upset you, but has your mom always been like that or is it just the fear of losing her husband that is causing her to withdraw  & be so critical.  I can't imagine refusing to hold his hand when he probably needed the comfort of that simple gesture.
I too wish I were there to give you a hug and lend moral support.  This can't be easy on you and you have got to take care of yourself.  It is way to easy to get caught up in these situations and let your own world fall apart.  Don't do that. I am sure that is not what your dad would want.  It sounds like though, that you two are very close and I am glad he has that.
Love,
Jan

by cirella, Jul 22, 2008 11:24AM
Dear Irene,
Your story is so heartbreaking.  Sigh...when something like this happens it affects all family members and not all the same way.  You are stuck in the middle.  ((hugs))  I hope everyone can come together and support what your dad wants to do.

Take care!

by Sharon2714, Jul 22, 2008 11:44AM
oh dear irene .. ur plate is so full to be there for mom and dad ... u must have a tremendoulsy accepting spirit to listen to those rants (crying 4 u) ... i cant imagine ... my family is mean spirited as well and i deal with them by keeping them out of my life as i dont have the strength that u do ... i pray that u are still able to attend to ur needs for urself ... i pray god continue to boost up ur strength ... ur spirit is so beautiful ... i pray ur mom can put aside her anger and be there for u and ur dad ... i pray ur dad relief of his pain and peace in his heart amen
love
sharon

by ireneo, Jul 22, 2008 12:23PM
You all are being so sweet and I don't really deserve your kind words. I'm no hero. I get tired, I complain about my Mom's attitude (as you see) and I want to run away and hide sometimes. But my folks are in pain, just in different ways and I can't ignore that. I don't understand my Mom and I think - gosh, I wouldn't act that way if my husband was sick. But my life is so different from hers. Who knows? In the meantime, I focus completely on them when I at their house and when I'm home, I have to let it go so I can rest. Being an only child means I have to do what I can (with my husband's help of course) and reenergize in the sanctuary of my home.

lvfrogs - I wonder if my Mom is scared of being alone but many times she's said that she'll cry when he dies but she won't cry for him; she'll cry for herself and all the wasted years from living with him. Eww, how sad.

gatsby - I am reading books on death and dying so I know what to expect for my Dad and Mom. It's been very helpful. It's also good to hear that my Mom's reaction isn't that unusual. I thought she was being weird. Guess she's not the only one that can't face such things.

Jan - you are precious and I will probably cry on your shoulder but I won't take advantage of that offer. If I get too emotionally wound up, you may get a middle-of-the-night note. Troubles always seem bigger in the dark.

cirella - I suppose I have arrived at that sandwich stage - aging parents and young adult children finding their way. Can't avoid it.

Sharon - I have prayed for my Mom to be able to see my Dad as he really is and that he's not manipulating her. So far, no improvement in that area. So just pray for me that I'll have the patience and compassion to care for her as she needs.

Hugs to you all,  Irene

by Me967, Jul 22, 2008 02:52PM
Irene Hi.  You sound like you really have your hands full.  Your heart must be so heavy.  I am so very sorry to hear about your news.  My grandfather used to act somewhat about the same way when others were around; nevertheless, he loved my grandmother dearly!  It was his way of coping.   His health was really bad and he kept quite about it when my grandmother was told she had the cancer all threw her.  Threw what the doctors said is a miracle she pulled threw somehow.  My grandfather has been gone now for about 10 years.  My point is:  Maybe she's just really afraid (that she won't be able to care for him) and mad or sick herself?  

Being an only child must be hard dealing with everything.  I will pray that everything works out for you.  I'm glad to see you have a husband who will stick beside you.  That is fantastic.  One of the hardest things for a caregiver sometimes is keeping there physical and mental self together to be able to care for others.  Take care;

Amy

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