will it ever be ok

I thought i was doing ok functioning through life looking to the future to start our next cycle but the las few days i feel really beaten.  With my brother and sister in laws pregnancy things have just been so much tougher for me.  I want to be happy for them, i want to be there to help them through all this but i cant.  It is so hurtful for me to even look at them.  I have always been a good person, done the right thing and just want to be a mom.  What is so wrong with that??  I feel like the world is against us and i am tired of the fight.  i want a baby more then anything in this world but i am terrified of another loss or a negative pregnancy result.  I dont know if i can live through those results again.  I know this entry is all over place and actually quite a ramble but it helps me in some small way to vent it all out.
I wonder every day what i did to deserve this, to have to fight so hard.  I feel like i am in no way the person i once was, i feel like i have let my husband down, that he is constatly picking me up, being positive and i cant do it.  He married this perfect wife and now she is nowhere to be found.  Every one keeps saying i will have a baby and it will be all worth it.  But i ask myself now will i have a baby and if i do will it really bring me back to the person i was???  I dont think so.  I will never recover from the loss of my first pregnancy its just who i am and i will carry that with me forever.  I think often of how our life could  have been so different and wish it was.  I cant find any happiness in the one i am living right now.  I had to have a repeat d&c which only set us back another 8 weeks at min.  It just seems as though every time i try to get back up something else goes wrong so this time iam thinking why get up again????  At the end of the day it didn't matter anyway.