Nothingness

I hate the way I feel right now. Numb, nothingness. Completely un-caring of the world and what goes around me. I just don't feel like doing anything. Work is damn near impossible. Can't focus on the simplest tasks. I keep thinking I want to move. Move to Alaska. Move to Washington. Move somewhere cold. Move somewhere. But with what money? I'm in trouble because I can't pay my bills. And the thoughts keep piling and piling up. Reading is impossible. I cannot retain anything... I have to keep re-reading what I just read and that is pointless. I don't feel like being awake... I don't feel like being asleep. I don't feel like drawing... I don't feel like writing. I would take the deepest depression over this... atleast I'd be feeling something. My self-esteem is extremely low right now... I feel sooo heavy. Yet, I keep eating. And I don't really feel like eating. I was staring at a squirrel for something like 15 minutes alittle while ago... I love how fast they move... I'm jealous. I move sooo slooowly lately. It just doesn't matter. I don't even feel like talking. I don't feel like getting in the shower... but I feel gross. The heat is barely bothering me... then I feel like I am freaking out because of it. A few weeks ago I was excited about everything... Fall/Halloween/Twilight/Breaking Dawn/Moving/Horror Movies/Love/Pete/My brother/Liz' Birthday... now, nothing excites me... I feel anxious, but it is over nothing. I feel like I am going to let everyone down on Liz' birthday... I would never mean to do something like that, but I feel like I can't shake these feelings.

This feels normal to me... I feel this way so often. I feel torn. Part of me believes there has to be something wrong with me. Part of me believes that I'm just being stupid and living in my head. But isn't that a big part of the problem? The fact that I am living in my head... its not something I can help. My mind won't let me live. I am consumed by my racing thoughts. But right now... I have periods of where I can barely hold a thought... when its there, its blurry then its gone. This mood has been getting gradually worse over the past week. What is this that I am going through?