feeling numb

Have you ever heard the song "Hurt"?

I feel rather crappy too so no advice or comments about I'll shoot you if you join Toronto's "hockey" team.

Right now all I can offer are ....

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((BIGHUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

you have just been hugged by Mats Sundin  lol

I know sick humor is the last thing you need but the virtual hugs are real  (((((MOREHUGS)))))

aw poor ted ,why did you cut his head of to , yes cutting isn't so bad i have done that to it is a weak up call but it gets a habit thats the only thing as you probably know ,if she is still talking to you accept it for now and put away the knife or what ever you cut with,call her and be straight with her and ask ,then you will know ,dont keep cutting yourelf or there will be none of you left for her to see ,call her,,bell,

Its hard to in a lot of ways, i keep finding myself thinking she will be like the rest of my friends and as soon as she finds out im going for councelling she will run off. A lot of people have done that and its kinda hard to tell someone about qhy i feel the way i do sometimes especially when i havent even told my own family that ive decided to seek professional help with my moods (which the appointment is soon coming up on the 29th and i want to cancel it so bad, but im doing my best not to think about it... that and i got rid of the number to call to cancel just so i wouldnt try to) I'm still very nervous about that, looking back in my journals before i started to post like this ive pretty much been in the same depression for at least 11 years, with the exception of when my moods go completely unstable ... anyways i should get back to work im only on here on break. Something else i wish i could cancel im so sick of working in call centers.

If people run from you because you are in therapy they are not real friends.  You don't need them.  This girl might not be like that.  I've seen people at MH run away.  It hurts but who needs false friends?  Even if you have to wait - isn't a real, genuine person better than a superficial bottomfeeder who has about as much depth as a marshmallow?  Personally, I'd rather be alone than with a fake, phony mother***fu****.

Maybe you're not cutting teddy's head off; you could be getting ready to sew it back on - in a different way.  I don't know.  When I'm depressed I don't want somebody telling me to "smile".  But it seems like you could be getting ready to make a change of some kind.  Mr. Bean (if you watch that show) has his teddy too.

You have a good response from bell there.  She is a good friend to have - a very good friend.  Listen to her - she's not from Toronto (no offense to anyone).

I know what you are saying bout fake friends but a lot of people i guess start to think of you as being insane when you start councelling. people i had been really close to in the past have just upped and vanished i think party they feel like im a fake because ive always done my best to hide my depression from anyone and everyone. just try to keep up that mask ive hid behind for so long.

As for teddy well thats kinda the best depiction of how i feel that i can find i feel cut off from every emotion except from depression. The cutting kinda helps in a way its something i know i did and i can honestly feel. I know that doesnt sound good but at times when i feel so seperated from myself it kinda grounds me a little. And as for my own teddy wel he is with my ex g/f's daughter keeping her company and hopefully keeping her happy. Miss the little ones sometimes and still keep a picture of them on my wall.

I hate to say it but lately the swings have been pretty bad and not always in the up direction. Tonight i came pretty close to telling a rather high value client of the company i work for to go **** himself amongst several others that just irratated the **** out of me. but luckily bit my toungue that would have been an instant dissmissal if i had have done that. Although truth be told i dont really care that much about work anymore. Its just a constant struggle either to keep up with the pleasant ones and be about as phony as i can be just to make it seem like im happy or try to keep from telling them what i truly think. The night shift manager actually told me to go have a cigarette after one call, the lady wanted to talk to a manager about how "pleasant i was" and when the manager asked why she wanted to talk to him i basically said she was happy i resolved her issues but can you just get this ***** off my line so i can get my ******* work done. i'm so tired of working call centers, ive been doing it since feb 2004 if it werent for the fact that the goverment in its infinite wisdom thinks im "overqualified" becuase of all the call center work ive done, and that the call center in the area is aways hiring,  i could get retraining and get myself a job that i might actually enjoy without working messed up hours all the time and wanting to scream !!! I think depending on how things go with the psychiatrist i may see if i can quit this job and find something else ... even working a 7-11 or a macs would be better than the **** this job puts me through on a daily basis !

What kind of call center do you work for?  Is it a distress center?

Your mood swings have been bad - you have a good reason to hate that.  Sometimes dealing with people, even for those who are not depressed can be draining.  Years ago I filled in at the main switchboard at York U and it was SO busy.  After getting phone calls from people asking for "Joe" - no last name, no department, nothing - I thought I was going to freak out so I can see how talking on the phone when you're already feeling bad can be difficult.

How are you overqualified?  I have a PhD (2003) and never used it because of depression and anxiety.  I want to get into the workforce but I won't get into that.  One thing though - I can't even get a volunteer job.  They are just as bad as people who want a paid job.  Twice I have lost a volunteer job because I'm Native American/Canadian and "can't possibly understand the needs of immigrants."  At one point I did tell the person off.

Do people really think you're insane or are they just surprised that someone who has "acted" happy is now revealing his real feelings?  They aren't friends if they do that.  It might also be that they need to learn more about your illness.  Maybe it's more difficult for you "young 'uns" to deal with depression.  Once you have accepted that you are depressed or whatever your "mental" problems are, the more others will also accept it.  I've known a lot of people who don't want to admit they have problems - like depression.

I hope you're feeling better.  You can send me a PM (Personal Message) if you ever feel you want to.

((HUGS))

wolf

I work for American Express in the High value CFS que, basically its the one where the majority of my customers all spend thousands if not millions using our card. Ive been working for years now in call centers, whether it be Fujitsu, T-mobile, or American Express. Its a line of work that im so tired of working but becuase of my past call center experience they basically think that i should be able to apply as management and boom hey im a manager. Unfortunately it doesnt work that way and since the call center is the main source of employment in the area and im very experienced at working in them thats why they said i was overqaulified and refused me the option of re-training.

Truth be told im not sure on this one, and thats partly why im scared to tell my family what all is going on. Plus my mother has a habit of joking about a past suicide attempt when i was a 12. I think even if a doctor sat down and told her everything and explained it right down to the atomic level she would still go "my son is fine", and its still a bit hard for me to accept it half the time becuase i dont even know what im feeling most of the time. Some days are alright and my mind is very peaceful (which it hasnt been for a while) other days it races and my moods are just all over the place as well as me being super irratable becuase i cant even understand what im feeling. Quite honestly ive been down for so long that when i do start to go all overr the place i dont even notice it till afterwards sometimes because i dont even recognize half my own feelings anymore. Like i said once before in a journal entry on here its like looking in the mirror and not knowing what side of the glass your on, whether your real or just a reflection of what once was. Confused ? welcome to my little world, even Alice would beg to get out of here in about 2 seconds.

Thank you for the offer. These days anyone to talk to is much appreciated, there are only about 5 of my friends that still talk to me if that anymore.