Apr 19, 2010
In my attempt to find some sort of dessert-like loophole ( in a moment of relapse and poor judgement at the grocery store) I figured I would try a sugar-free version of vanilla cappuccino mix. The fact that it is sugar free does NOT make it low in fat, however, and I knew that even as I was buying it.
The whole purchase was a dance with the devil of lousy reasoning, and I've had to pay the price for not using my head on this one. I've created TWO slow weight loss weeks by drinking 1 cup of sugar free vanilla cappuccino every other day for ONE week.
Even though one part of me understands the metabolic phenomenon that makes my weight loss seem to follow a specific cycle that is difficult to alter, I still crash a bit during the weeks where nothing happens, and then I fall prey to making goofy decisions that are almost guaranteed to keep my progress in the gutter----like falling for the "sugar-free" rich dessert knockoffs.
A lifetime of living off of sugary, starchy, fatty desserts while "dieting" at the same time has done remarkable things to the little demon in my head that is in charge of reasoning with me. I catch myself thinking that the calorie/fat/sugar content, if eaten in small enough amounts, shouldn't affect my weight ---my conscious mind artfully glossing over the incontrovertible fact that it was THAT THINKING that put 100 lbs. on me to begin with. What amount was "small enough" to slip under the fat-piling radar? I was always a lousy mathematician.
I'd probably be in better emotional shape if I could tear myself away from the ding-blasted SCALE for more than a day. The obsessive weighing habit I acquired from my very first diet 22 years ago has never left me, and it certainly does its fair share of damage to the ego...ESPECIALLY when progress hits a wall.
Part of me erroneously thinks that if I don't keep a constant vigil on that accursed slab of springs and sensors, the weight will fly back on me in the blink of an eye, even if my efforts to keep my weight down are maintained. Many experts still maintain that the only reason a person could have for weighing themselves all the time is to see how much junk food they're getting away with. That may very well be, though I'll have to add my quirk into the mix and say that the flip side of that situation is folks like me who want to see if their POSITIVE efforts are doing any good.
*sigh* It appears that I will have to consistently remind myself to keep my proverbial marathon sneakers under lock and key, because once I start trying to beat a number or a deadline (crash-diet thinking) I'm as good as SUNK and any reasonable efforts I will have made to educate myself to develop a healthier attitude will have all gone for naught because the devil on my shoulder will have once again convinced me that if I can't have it all, then there's no point fighting forever for just a pinch of it.
Sheesh. I wish the angel on my other shoulder would return my calls :)