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fighting relapse

Jul 24, 2008 08:16PM - 12 comments

Well most of you know that my main Doc was pills...I have been clean for 95 days....I got on them after my triplets died and then have been on sence...then my mom who was only 60 and my best friend in the world died in my arms, she had me when she was 15 so we grew up togather now my daddy has had a heart attack and he has been sick for a yr or so with his lungs he is only 63 but misses mom so much and wants to be with her...I am taking care of him right now he wont go to hospital cuz he wants to die....I dont have a good marriage he is a alcaholic, i o have 3 great childeren 2 twin 17 yr old boys and one 8 yr old girl, all were abused and or drug babies we adopted cuz after i had my triplets i couldnt have anymore....the boys are starting to be gone all the time which is normal but i still have my little girl...that is why i have been fighting so hard...life is so much easier with the pills i get along w hubby better and he likes it better, i dont care if he is around or wants to be w me when i take them...when i dont take them i am soooo lonley i cant hardley stand it....it was great when i quit i felt so good about myself but latley i dont know the last mo has been extra bad and now even worse w my daddy and i am not getting any sleep, IRS wont leave us alone...hubby got me 200 pills today and i havnt flushed and i am real close to saying **** it...in yet here i am wrihting this as if it will change my mind....what a ****** up mind it is right now...I know i am not making any sense i just needed to do something....god help me....I am smart enouph to know just like suicide the ones that want to do it dont talk about it so i must not want to do it....maybe i have developed two personalities lol....

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by cathy5841, Jul 24, 2008 08:31PM
babe, i am so sorry you are struggling and facing so many life problems.  but pills wont solve them.  yes they will mask it for awhile but eventually the mask falls off and you are back in the gripes of addiction.  please be careful.  you are such a dear friend to me and i really love you....i dont wanna see you do this to yourself.  and remember jess...she needs a sober mom.  if you take the pills when she gets older she will think its okay to do the same.  i faced that so many times with jen.  when i tried to talk to her about the drugs she would come back with you take them too.  sure i thought she didnt know..but she did.  hun i am here...but dont take the damn pills...flush those mothers.  love and hugs and prayers.

by Jacqui805, Jul 24, 2008 08:44PM
I am SO SORRY.....I CANNOT imagine what you're going through, and how you must feel....it's horrible....BUT.....I agree with Cathy...I know it ain't easy, but she's right, the pills only mask the issues..you may FEEL like it's all ok, but it really won't be...the problems will all still be there...and then, one day, when you do get off, again, you'll look back because you didn't "deal" with those things 'cause you were numb...You'll only have more problems from them in the long run....you'll be writing that you need more pills, or that you wished you hadn't messed up your 95 days because you're going through w/d again...

All that said, it's not some happy, easy thing to do, not to take the pills that is...I understand.  You need a buddy something fierce, to commiserate (sp?) with and lean on right now...something normal, sober people do to help them get over or through stuff...You just need to not feel so alone, and since your hubby may not be too helpful right now, I think someone else would be a good choice...Is there anyone you could hang with or talk to in person?  If not, lean on everyone here, that's what we're here for...

You DO need to flush those pills...I'm not even commenting on the fact that your husband got them for you in the first place...ugh.....please flush those pills....you might not recognize the benefits right now, but if you don't, and you take them, you'll see what it could've meant then....and you'll be filled with regret and disappointment...you don't need that on top of everything else....   Please hang in as best you can without those pills...get rid of them please....



by bobby139, Jul 24, 2008 09:08PM
Thank You so much you guys, its nice to see ppl care and you two are very special...No i dont have close friends anymore..I lost the one's i had that didnt use years ago cuz of my use then the ones i have now are addicts so really all they want is the old me back...stupid me never worried about it cuz i had my mom the only friend that really understood and had been though what i am going though was my girlfriend who lived next door to me she moved away a yr ago and got cancer and died a few mo's ago....maybe i should wright a book about all this and have it turned into a movie of the week lol  thats what it sounds like when i start putting it down....I am still fighting.....ty

by bobby139, Jul 25, 2008 02:30PM
just to let you all know that i am ok, yes i have relapsed and yes i am still relapsing i just need some time and i will get up and start over but for now it feels good to be numb.........i am soooo sorry to all that are still fighting the good fight,  be stronger then me !!!!
love always   bobby

by cathy5841, Jul 27, 2008 08:24PM
bobby,  get of that roller coaster and get back on track.   jess needs her momma.  

by joann1975, Jul 27, 2008 09:20PM
bobby.... get back on track now... being numb temporarily really isn't helping anything... it's only making it worse in the long run! i wish you the best and hope you give up the pills SOON!!!! Cathy is right Jess does need her momma!
JoAnn

by bobby139, Jul 27, 2008 09:49PM
Hi everyone, sorry about being in the dark hole i am starting to try and get myself out...I have gone way overboard on this and have scared the **** out of myself a few times, I have gone though dam near 200 pills a friend didj talk me into flushing some lastnight thankgod...I am starting to back off alittle today and will cont. to do that cuz i have sooooo much in my system i dont want to totally feak my body out worse then i have and cause sezuire, so will taper a few days...the plan is tues i will wake up to no pills and then there goes the fun errrr.....but i deserve it, it shows me what i have done to my body...I will try and get enouph nerve to post because i am going to need all the help i can get...sorry to everyone but i am getting ready to brush myself off and start agian this time for good...yes poor jessie has been though hell i need to do this!!!
love ya all
bobby

by gizzy32, Jul 28, 2008 03:03PM
i hope you stick to the plan of no more pills tuesday and don't tell me your having fun, cause your not. im so sorry your going through all this, but you need to get back up and end this. you can do this and it's ok to be afraid, but you should be more afraid taking as many pills as you have. please get back on here and pick yourself up. you know what you need to do. hang in there

by dominosarah, Jul 28, 2008 03:12PM
Your roller coaster ride has only one way and that is down.  Get back on here and let us help you.  You say your fun will be over on Tuesday??  What is fun about seizures or even death.  Come on girl we are here for you.  You are important.  Will be waiting to see your post.    sara

by bobby139, Jul 28, 2008 06:58PM
OK i have hit rock bottom today and i am ready....i have 2 pills left and i promised friend it would be my last and thats what i am going to do...i will wake up tomorrow drug free, what i meant by fun on last post is not having fun w pills what i meant is the w/ds the fun of that errrr..... I cant post right now things have happend and i am to upset and family will be coming home but wanted all to know i am ok and i will be on tomorrow or tonight and post i will need all the help i can get....I am so sorry...
thank you for all your prayers and patiance........


by Jacqui805, Jul 28, 2008 08:41PM
You said you took like 200 pills?...and at this point, I'm guessing more....you had been clean 95 days, so this amount of pills in a couple of days is a big deal...it SOUNDS to me, like it was more than just getting high, not that that's a "just"...were you hoping that you might die?  I don't mean for this to sound harsh, but it just seems to me that the possibility of that would've crossed your mind in this situation.  I am sorry you relapsed, but I'm even sorrier that you felt the need for the pills in the first place...Can you get to some counseling at some point, it sounds like you've got some deeper issues here, and the dragon's gonna rear it's ugly head again over it sooner or later.  

Be safe, keep your promise to that friend, and remember your daughter...not to mention, yourself.  If you need us, we're here.  

by bobby139, Jul 28, 2008 10:00PM
Jacqui, yes you are right i dont know why i went down so far and yes it crossed my mind many times that i might not make it though but at the time i didnt care and i dont know why but i care now!!!!! I am going to find were there is NA meetings this time and get more help i thought i could do it on my own and i proved myself wrong...I will keep my promise and thank you for caring so much your a great friend!!
love ya girl

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