Today seems to be just like yesterday just feeling so low. Im trying my best not to pick up a knife again but just like yesterday it feels so good to feel the pain. At least its something besides numb and feeling so low. About the only think keeping me from ending it is i cant find the courage to dig the knife in deep enough, im so tired of this **** and feeling this way. I dont know who i am or what im feeling anymore half the time , i look back into my photo album and see pictures of myself when i was a teen and i dont recognize myself in them at all. I dont remember this person smiling in them, i remember the pictures being taken but its just not me anymore. I wish i could smile just for the sake of smiling and being happy but just dont know how anymore. Im too tired to pull up that mask in front of my face and even try to fake a smile anymore. I like it here online i dont have to try to hide who i am and when i do want to its just a matter of typing a few words and people leave me in peace.
I want this to stop so bad i try to find things to make me happy and all they do is just sink me lower becuase i know its all fake. Nothing is real to me anymore, my feelings, some of my friends, even walking to work as i look around things just dont seem real to me. Dont know why but they just do.
Today is payday i really want to just take part of my pay and go out buy a big bottle of scotch and just drink myself into oblivion but i know i have rent to pay amongst other bills.
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