Apr 28, 2010
Im entering cocaine consumption on my chart by the amy of $ spent---- Clonazepam is 1mg (only supposed 2 take 2x day for anxiety)
EVERY time I give in to coke I feel like a piece of **** afterwards, and since Im slamming, and most of my veins are shot, if I buy a ball/game I might only get 3 decent buzzes over a period of 4-6 hrs of trying to inject---I ******* hate it- and the scary thing is that the best coke buzz for me is the the kind that makes me feel like im on the verge of an overdose......head spinning, loss of balance, heart racing, shaking-----they are so scary, but at the same time I love them.... wtf is wrong with me?
Then afterwards I feel so much guilt, self-loathing I tell myself never again!---this has been going on for a few years now and I HAVE to stop
Ive been to a few meetings in the past, but the stupid city I live in has most meetings in the evenings,...and NONE on sat nights (the night i can usually find a sitter) - I find the meetings to be very inconsISTENT (from one to another)...and they usually leave me craving by the end.
Last year I had to go to emergency for 3 abcesses, I was so stupid I actually shot up in the bathroom while waiting to see a dr- so of course I blabbed about everything and now its on my permanent medical record-- not only that, but they had to put me to sleep to cut open and drain the abcesses,.....and I LATER found out that the coke + the meds they used to put me under could have been fatal.
After they woke me up, the nurse was going to remove my IV, and I told her that I wanted to do it,....hoping shed leave and I could somehow make it out of the hosp with a lovely pain free way to shoot my drugs.....no such luck,...she looked at me as if I had horns growing out of my head and said....ok hun...suuuuure,...Illl just wait here while you pull out that IV-----and I was actually pissed off! ---
My hands look like someone has been using them to put out cigarettes (from injecting) - so Im always hiding them- I dont know what the f*ck else to say (even though i have so much more to say\0...other than I need support