ugh...

i'm so tired of suprises.  it seems like every time i think things might be looking up a little bit, something else comes along and craps all over it.  i'm just getting very tired of EVERYTHING.  i want to quit my job and crawl into a hole so that i don't have to deal with the immense amount of things going on in my life.  it feels like even the smallest things that happen are HUGE and i can't react to things like a normal person would anymore.  i've been feeling very nauseous lately.  i'm panicking thinking it's hepatitis but it's probably just from stress.  i'm not eating like i should.  i'm lucky if i eat once/day.  it's not that i'm not hungry (trust me, i am), it's just that food seems like the ONLY thing i can control in my life right now.  my kids have been spending a lot of their time at their granparents house and i miss them like crazy but i've got such a hairpin trigger right now that i'm afraid stupid little things they do will set me off when they're home.  i haven't seen them since friday morning and i miss them like crazy.  i miss my family like crazy.  i just want things to go back to me, dan and the kids and it can't happen for a long time.  i hate this.  i'm angry about everything and i hate being angry.  i just wish dan could pull his head out of his *** and care about something other than heroin.  i know it doesn't just work like that magically but i wish it did.  i don't even need to be rich.  i just want to be comfortable and happy with my family.  i want dan and i to have jobs and more babies and we can't now.  there's an episode of sex and the city were trey buys charlotte a cardboard cutout baby as a joke when they stop trying to concieve.  i always laughed at that episode because i thought it was ridiculous that charlotte got so angry at the cutout.  last night dan said something (i don't even know what) about babies and i started crying internally (although i would never show it).  i was so mad that the one grown-up thing i've ever really wanted i can't have.  i hate that i'm never going to have that new baby that i've been imagining for the last 6 years.  i feel like someone took my dreams, ran them over with a car, burned them and then pissed on their ashes.  it's not fair.  maybe i'm being childish but i don't care.  give me back my life!!!!!!!!!!!  arghh!!!!!!!!!!!