May 25, 2010
So I am trying to be logical about what my choices might be for my future so I can stop flailing and start finding something real. In response to my dream last night here are my ingredients..as in the wonderful gifts I have been given that are waiting for me to use them:
*- international experience...I have a lot of it
*- nonprofit experience...some goes for that
- ability to write...may not have formal experience and may not be disciplined about it and may be too colloquial, but I can write when moved
- desire to help people - I may not be motivated when I don't believe in the cause, though
- experience with loss
*- experience with herpes
*- experience with madness...depression
- love of dance (though no talent)
- creativity (though not always follow through)
*- I am in india, so I can network here
*- I know a bit about micro and small enterprise finance
- I know a bit about nonprofit organizational development
- I know a bit about curriculum design
*- I am good with people (friendly)
- I know basic web and publication design
- I know good music :-)
- I analyze my life to minutia and try to find answers that many don't ask
- I love showing new visitors around mumbai
- I love spending time with friends
- I love meeting new people
I know there are things that I don't see and that I don't see clearly right now - part of the frustration, but I also feel like my frustration is part of the problem. If you are really in the cooking zone you look for your next ingredient and something just kind of pops out at you from the gifts/choices/opportunities you have been given. I just need to get into that cooking zone - not sure how to do that. When I was getting acupuncture I was definitely there, so I know what it feels like, but I am so far from there now and don't know how to get back. Maybe the problem is that I keep looking at the ingredients I know about - what I have in my hand and I am not thinking about the fact that there are and will be ingredients that I don't see right now, but will be useful in the future. Also I don't feel like I see the ingredients that are there right now. The table with the ingredients is shadowed in the dream, but also I don't really look at it - all I see are the mushrooms and spinach right in front of me...the cook is asking me for them and I am a bit distracted - I think I hand them to him, but in a half-hazard way and I feel like some of it spills on the floor. Or maybe I don't hand them at all...I can't even remember if I helped the cook at all because I am so distracted and preoccupied with protecting myself 9maybe just like I am writing this entry rather than starting my work day).
Okay, so I feel like I need to stop looking at the ingredients and I feel the need to just start throwing things into the pan - it is hot and ready and it is my move now. Let's get cooking!
This is my interpretation of the dream I had last night: I've invited my personal demons into my house and the things of my childhood will not protect me (protect me from what? I think of them as bad vampires (too much Anne Rice before bed) perhaps the goal is to protect me from losing all hope/from soul death/from suicide... the strange thing is that with my obsession with vampires right now there is a part of me that wants them even though I know they are evil, bad and will be harmful, to me and I am afraid. I feel like I realized a bit late that they are bad for me (after I invited them home) and now I am rushing to create a protection with the help of these super natural good beings.
I need to make new things to help protect me and right now I am relying on a higher power to do it and I am flailing around trying to decide what to do while he cooks away. It seems in the dream that he will continue to cook despite my flailing and it will turn out (the dream doesn't say if the outcome is good or not...just that it is made of human life and humanity and will protect me from the demons and nourish me...sounds pretty good), but I feel ashamed that I didn't even help...let alone do the cooking myself...let alone try to learn the recipe (like I am not learning from my cook and not learning hindi in real life). And now that I think about it I understand that this help is not supposed to be forever...it is not like I hired this supernatural being to cook for me full time and what he has made will only sustain me for a while...I NEED to learn from him how to make things in the future. I feel like I lost the chance...that the cooking is done and all I have is the aroma in the kitchen and the final product and I don't know how to replicate it - just like with my cook at home in real life. And the end of the dream where he is measuring out the result and showing me exactly how many servings I have - it is a way of letting me know that I only have this protection for a limited time once he is gone. And instead of being grateful I am frustrated because he is just showing me how many servings there are rather than wrapping it up in the serving portions, so I know how much to take each time. There is no thanks or appreciation just a wanting of more services.
But maybe I need to realize that replication is not as important as the necessity of trying. My result will probably (almost assuredly) not be as good as what the helper created, but I need to try. And I need to thank him for creating this for me...having patience and caring enough to do it for me.
Thank you. I feel a lot of love and I feel taken care of. Thank you for your patience.I'm sorry I was ungrateful and didn't realize things until I woke up from my dream. I'm sorry that I wasted the opportunity you gave me (or didn't see the opportunity until it was over - was too busy flailing over what should be done about my demons to notice what I really should have been doing to prepare to fight them...in the dream I am not being lazy, but I am distracted by my own preoccupation with trying to figure things out rather than doing something or watching what was going on around me and learning from what others are doing). I guess that is my fear. The opportunity to learn is over - I am on my own and I didn't bother to learn the things I need to know and now I need to figure out how to throw things together myself and it scares me. I am doing it not with loving patience, kindness, and calm, but with desperation and fear. It is not a good feeling. Maybe that is what I am realizing - it is not the ingredients, but how you put it together - his patience and strength and responsibility. I'm doing what is necessary with fear and he was doing what was necessary with a strength and confidence.
That is what I seek in a partner, but I see my need to become that myself so I don't need to rely on someone else (though part of me would love it if he could come along and take are of it all for me for good, but I know that wasn't the way it was going to be in the dream). I could tell in the dream that he did not do this out of infatuation for me - though he did feel a caring responsibility (like the warriors in the house of night) - so I cannot expect him to stay. I don't want him to go. I want to rely on him forever rather than taking responsibility.
If I could talk with him now I would ask him to make another batch and to show me what to do this time, but maybe that is the secret of it - it is not a recipe you can learn, but one that you feel and I need to have confidence that I can feel it for myself.
Let's take out the pans and see what I can make not out of fear, but out of love and peace and self-confidence. Wow - I say that and I have no idea where to start.