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Holy hell

May 28, 2010 - 0 comments
Tags:

Blood

,

faint

,

expectedly

,

self harm

,

cut

,

old habits

,

bite

,

reality

,

steve

,

quesodillas

,

carmelized apples

,

rachel CUL

,

chef CUL

,

mexican

,

algebra

,

crim

,

learning

,

holding on

,

Bipolar

,

two settings

,

bold

,

wallflower

,

vocab

,

rotten smoothies

,

family

,

kerriF

,

Dave

,

airport

,

CSI

,

napping

,

Finding Nemo

,

popcorn

,

shei

,

billy



You know something? Blood doesn't bother me on several conditions. Well, one condition. How does it work? I slam my finger in a locker completely unexpectedly, it's a small cut, I faint. I think "I should move my fingers I'ma cut one off" and half a second later cleanly slice off most of my nail. I laugh because I knew it would happen. I plan to have my period, and I'm excited when it happens. To hear that my body is working properly and bleeding on it's own makes me horrendously mad and anxious. Especially since it shouldn't be. I'm having blood taken and it's going well, no problem. The minute the need to wiggle the needle? I pass out, but I don't go limp, instead I scrunch into a ball with rigor mortis grip. I put my toe through a laundry basket and need to sit down and bandage up, I used to lie in bed staring at my bleeding ankles and not feel any pain or anything. I see blood all over Steve's hand and my heart drops, but I expect a mess when I look down.  I'm tearing my knuckles up with my braces just for something to do and I enjoy the burning and pus and the whole deal. I feel human. But when I knick a knuckle naturally I feel like a robot, clean blood but not real. Horrifying. I'm having an IV put in well enough by a nurse, nothings coming out (like usual) she does some voodoo and it shoots the needle out and blood is all over my hand and the blankets and her. I had to look away and shook like a leaf.
Im not sure why I'm mentioning all that.

We had to make quesodillas. I didn't like my group because I'm a sending student and get to class late. I wanted to do something creative, with apples. Rachel agreed, chef and the rest of our group shot it down. Whatever. I'm making it this weekend and bringing it in to shove in their faces. Because I know it will be good. They made the run of the mill mexican stir fry quesodilla. Hoorah.

I struggled through Algebra, but I learned just asking for help really is...helpful. Don't not ask something, when you have a teacher that wants you to succede. That's all I have to say. No one can tell me I'm not trying. We filmed some in Crim. I'm afraid I'm being bossy when I'm not organized enough. I need to get it on paper, but I have such ****** ideas I guess that I have to explain myself and they never like them and so whatever. I have two settings, bold or wallflower. That's it. I hate being bipolar. I work like dog crap in a group.
My group one in Am Lit, 20 points on our vocab. A real Hoorah.

Went to steve's and I watched tv and he wanted to use up the strawberries his mom told him to use so he asked me to make smoothies. The thing I hate about their kitchen? Not true I hate a lot of things... but one big thing is that they buy fruit, normally not that great fruit in the first place, leave it out till it goes bad and no one in their right mind would eat it, and then leave it a couple more weeks anyways. I made smoothies out of brown bananas, moldy strawberries, and a smooshy pear. They were bland. Bad and bland. I was embarassed.

His parents came back and I never get to show how much I appreciate that they treat me like on of their kids. They brought back keychains and leis' for me and Kerri. She got first pick, rightfully, but I still felt special, you know? It's kinda cool to feel like I have three brothers and a sister. Not to mention 4 parents. I finally feel comfortable there.

Speaking of brothers, I'm getting up early tomarrow to go with my mom to take my brother to the airport! I'm excited. I look up to him and he asked me to go with mom. I think I'm doing ok.

What else is there? We watched Nemo and ate popcorn and goofed around and napped. I watched CSI and tried to start my junior essay or a random story, whatever hit me first. Did not succede.

And so goodnight.
Tomarrow we may hang out with Shei and Billy.

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