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Loss
Aug 04, 2008 10:04AM
- 2 comments
Loss. Not many people understand it who haven't felt it. It feels like someone has ripped apart your heart and picked out all of the pieces that used to make you feel whole. I believe in fate, but sometimes fate just isn't on your side. I had a patient who was in the hosptial for a few weeks, after getting a routine checkup. I heard her cough and it didn't sound very good. I ordered a chest x-ray and we had found out that she had lung cancer. She had never smoked a day in her life, and had never had any breathing problems before. Determined to find out what was going on, I ordered a load of tests. Some took days, others took a week. She was in a lot of pain by the time I got the tests back, but the tests didn't help me either. She died 2 weeks after she came in for a routine check up. The autopsy revealed that the cancer had weakened her lungs so much, that she was vunerable to the smallest of infections. She had gotten pneumonia from casual contact with another patient. I wasn't there when she coded (went into cardiac arrest). I got the call about 10 minutes after it happened. I rushed to the hospital, walked in to see her lying there in the bed. She was completely the same...but totally different. I had really gotten to like her, and she would kick my butt at checkers almost every day! I will always carry her memory around with me. I had to tell her husband and 3 kids that mommy wasn't coming home. Getting the news that you no longer have someone in you life feels the same when you have to give the news. Everything seems to be going in slow motion as you explain what went wrong. Knots in your stomach seem to be doing cartwheels and your mouth is as dry as the Sahara. What can I say? I'm sorry? I'm sorry that your kids don't have a mother anymore? I'm sorry that you will never enjoy your wife's laugh again? It's not fair. Death is not fair. Why do we get the chance to form relationships when they all get taken away? I felt responsible, and angry at myself that I couldn't be there to cure her, or to be there with her to comfort her as she passed on. I am told that the thing about being a doctor is to always learn from mistakes, and to carry those mistakes with you everywhere. Death is inevitable, it just comes too soon for some people. But with out death, there is no life. Death is what forces people to live.
i have read your journal ,it was so sad to read it right through ,you seem to understand a lot about the way people hurt ,i think your a special lady ,my son died at home when he took his life ,both myself and his dad found him and i need to say this if you dont mind because its still like a dream to me ,i was about to say found him hanging in his bed room ,when my daughter died after my son we were just about to land on the ground ,we had just gone back to having a holiday in 3 years since my son died and thought we could do with a break away from everything for a wile ,in saying that i was still grieving for him when i was away ,but my younger son had good time he was only 8 at that time ,we weren't at home when my daughter died ,and in a way i say thank god we didnt have to find her as well ,i think she knew that herself and spared us ,b,ut i do feel so much for the people that found her before we got home ,i remember my sister in law telling me when the d,r,came out to tell them about my daughter ,because she was found so close to been brought back to life she was rushed to the hospital that day ,my sister in law said the d,r, just said tracey was no more ,i know they worked on her for so long ,but she died ,just listening to you they way you put things i know that you have a lot of compassion and love in you ,i just want to say if i ever go into hospital i hope i have a d,r, as loving as you ,in on way are you responsible ,you gave that other lady a fun time allways remember that ,and yes life it not fare ,and your right again without death there is no life ,thats why i often think i will go now, and leave room for someone else ,so you take care your a good lady do you here me ,bernie ,please keep in touch with me if you want to my name is bernie ,
Thanks. I'm sorry to hear about your son and daughter.
I will keep in touch.
My name is Chrissy, by the way.
I will keep in touch.
My name is Chrissy, by the way.
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