Loving and losing my Step Brother

So, Ive been dealing with this grief after loss for over a year now, and I need a place to talk about it where I feel safe, so here goes.

I have pretty much always been in love with my Step brother Trey since I first met him when I was 10, although I never told him for years. Even though he was like 13 years older than me, he and I always got along, and he always gave me good advice and was helpful, like an older brother should be. He had that coolness to him, where he'd light a cigarette for me when I used to have to sneak smokes behind the garage, before my step dad let me smoke as much as I wanted to in the house. It was like Trey was always very sweet and caring towards me, and I just thought the world of him.  

About two years ago my step brother Trey came to stay at our house for about a month before his National Guard unit got deployed to Iraq. Even though he put on a brave face in front of the family, I could tell he was really worried about shipping out. I hung out with him alot during that month, and tried to have fun and take his mind off what was coming up. Also, he and I spent almost all day everyday together for like a month during the summer, because I was 14 and unemployed and he was on leave from his previous job down in Baytown. Anyway, we just did everything together, going to movies, riding around with him in his car, going shopping, or just hanging out around the house all day by ourselves, we spent like all of our time together and it was the very best time of my life.

I was so torn about him, because I knew he was supposed to be off limits, being my step brother, and also because he was 27 at the time and I was still 14; but he and I had a really special connection that was more than friends. I made a point to dress as sexy as I could every single day; I wore the lowest cut shirts I could find, with extra short skirts or shorts and wore high heels every day to show off my tanned legs. In fact, I wore high heels so much that I had nearly permenant blisters, and at least twice I day I would get Trey to give me a foot massage and then put bandaids over the blisters on my feet before putting my shoes on. I could tell he was falling for me and I was head over heels for him.

As it got to the last week before his deployment, I could tell he was more and more stressed out. He was smoking more and more every day, which in turn made me smoke more and more with him out of sympathy. One night when it was just the two of us at the house, I kept begging him to have some Boones Farm with me while we were watching a marathon of "The Office" on TV. He gave in, and before long we started getting tipsy and I started cuddeling with him on the couch. It felt so right and I was so excited about it I could barely stand it. Even though he was trying to be all cool about it, it wasnt long before we started making out, then I pulled his pants off and I gave him my virginity.

After the first time, he seemed to feel bad about it, but I assured him that it was ok, and that I wanted it more than anything. I told him that I wanted to make him feel loved before he had to leave, and for him to know that there was at least one girl waiting for him back home. The rest of that week all we did was have sex, chain smoke, then have sex some more. All of the sex was unprotected, and even though it was great, we probably should have known better.

At the end of the week, he had to go and I couldnt stop crying. He told me everything would be ok and that he'd come back for me. I cry just thinking about it, because it was the last time I saw him.

Two months later it occured to me that I hadnt had a peroid in a while. I pretended like it was not a big deal, but I had just turned 15 and was about to start high school. The next week I started to feel sick in the mornings, and my peroid still hadnt come. I started to fear what it was, but I was so scared I didnt want to take a pregnancy test and find out, and I was so stressed out that I started chain smoking so much that 2 packs a day became routine for me. About a week before school started I still hadnt had my peroid, so I got a pregnancy test and found out my fears were true. I was pregnant. I couldnt stop crying, but I didnt know what to do. So I sent Trey a heartfelt letter that told him how much I missed him and how much I loved him and couldnt wait to see him again, but I never said anything about being pregnant.

There was no way I was going to tell my step dad that it was Trey's, but I wasnt sure if I could tell Trey either. I wasnt sure if I should keep the baby or have it and give it up for adoption or just have an abortion. After not sleeping for literally 3 days and smoking an entire carton of my step dad's Marlboro Reds, he asked me if I was ok. I asked if he could keep a secret and made him promise, then told him I was pregnant. He was really calm about it, and asked if I knew who the father was. I lied and just told him it was a boy he had never met and I hadnt seen since. He asked if was planning on having the baby and I told him I didnt know, but that I thought I wanted an abortion. He offered to help raise the baby, and suggested that I could withdraw from high school for a year and do homeschool, have the baby, then he could help raise the baby and I could start high school without feeling like I had to explain myself to other people.

I kinda liked the idea of having a baby, and in fact, being a mother someday used to be my biggest dream as a girl. But I was so worried about everything with Trey, that either he would find out that it was his and everything with my step dad would be messed up, or that Id have to lie to Trey and tell him that it was someone else's, which would ruin our relationship. Feeling like there was no way to win, I asked my step dad to take me to the abortion clinic. He said he would if I wanted to, but that he wanted me to sleep on it for one night and that if I still wanted to, he would take me in the morning. I didnt sleep at all that night, and I smoked almost 5 packs of cigarettes until my throat was raw. In the morning, when I still hadnt slept in 4 days, my step dad took me to the Abortion Clinic as I insisted.

Despite the protestors and everything else in what should have been a very emotional time, I fought as hard as I could to hold back the tears, because I was afraid that either the clinic or my step dad wouldnt let me go through with it if I seemed too upset. So I acted as cool as I could, and went through with it. When I got home, I went to my room and cried myself to sleep. I stayed in my room for two days, refusing to eat, chain smoked through an entire carton and didnt speak a single word to anyone. My step dad had agreed to not say anything about it to anyone else, and just left me alone.

Over the weekend, I wrote my step brother Trey a long letter, explaining everything to him. But I never sent it.

The following week I tried to gather myself together and start high school. I tried to be cool, hang out with some girls I had been friends with since middle school, etc, but from the very begining I felt like I was faking it. I went to some parties at some friends of friends houses, tried to have a good time, but even when cute boys would flirt with me, I was just never interested. My heart still belonged to Trey, and my mind was always elsewhere. Maybe it was because I felt way too mature for my age or maybe I was just distant by nature, but I knew I wasnt in the right place, and there wasnt anything I could do.  

Through that Fall I kept waiting to hear from Trey, but never did.

Then the day before Halloween, I heard that he was killed by some hidden roadside bomb while on patrol in Iraq. Again I could not stop crying. I am still distraught even thinking about it now. It was only a few days before what would have been his 28th birthday, and he never got the chance to make it.

He had only been there for a few months when it happened. I dont know if he every got my first love letter, or why he never wrote me back, but I know that he never knew about our baby. He would have been such a wonderful father, and I missed him so much, I just couldnt bear it anymore.

I would cry uncontrolably whether at home or at school, and I never really told anyone the whole story. My step dad was the only one who knew about the abortion, so he assumed thats what it was, but then he was so upset about losing Trey, he didnt know what to do with me. At school, everyone just thought I was upset because I lost my brother Trey who I was very close to; but no one really knew about just how close he and I were, and about how we were in love.  It was just too much for me to take, and I broke down.

After being sent to the school guidance counselor multiple times, my stepdad sent me to a psychiatrist for depression, but I never really told him all of the details, because I didnt think I could trust him. I was prescribed Wellbutrin, and sent on my way.

Even with the Wellbutrin, I wasnt handeling it very well. I skipped school so much, that I flunked 9th grade and had to repeat it last year. For a long time I thougth I would just drop out, but my step dad said I needed to try again. It was so humiliating last year to be 16 years old and surrounded by freshmen, I absolutely hated it and am not sure if I will go back next year.

Although Im always depressed and still chain smoke like a chimney, Ive managed to stay away from any hard drugs so far, and only drink occasionally. I still miss Trey terribly, and I think about him and our baby every day, and cry.

Addie