Jun 23, 2010
I had a dream a few days ago. There were many aspects of it but I'll stick to the most important one. I was in a pool (general primordial element) and there were geese. I was trying to take glycine (which is the antipsychotic agent I take under psychiatric supervision) but the geese were eating it and nipping me to take it away. At the end of the dream all the efforts I had made at my recovery were put to a halt and then the dream suddenly ended as I awoke with a jolt. What did it mean? Firstly dreams have direct physical aspects. The Catapres application had gotten loose and the tardive symptoms had returned so my face felt like it was being "bitten" (which of course woke me up). What was the second (and far more important one). Think about it. Geese don't "eat" glycine (or any standard treatment for that matter). The "geese" symbolized an aspect of me that were "taking away" my mental recovery. What were they? Its not "they". It was an aspect of myself. Perhaps mania and grandiosity. And perhaps just a standard sense that just because I was working to advocate for clinically complex criteria to be noted in me didn't mean I was more important than my psychiatrist's (or any other doctor's) consumers. And these weren't just any geese. They were the ones I remember as a kid that (this was an accidental experiment but one that went awry) had been fed by everyone. They stayed all winter. They were dependent on the bread people fed them (not particularly healthy for birds, they require a full diet). And they became aggressive and nipped at people if they weren't fed. I realized there was that side of me and the more I "fed it" the more self centered I would be, the less I would recover and the less I would help others as well. Perhaps in other aspects of my life as well.
But there was clear reason at appointments I seemed potentially disruptive. The dysphagia and tic like spasms have disrupted my speech now so that I can't communicate verbally in a rational manner (although I can in writing). But I can communicate with assistive technology. My uncle found out about a working device that would speak what I would type (he found out about it originally for his daughter who due to her own disability is verbally unable to communicate). And my mom is directly looking into helping me find it (as well as other family members) and then I will follow up as well. The appointment that I cancelled will be rescheduled. I will be back and be able to communicate. And as well I will remind myself that I have given my testimony, my ideas and my input but if I have always said recovery is a two way street I have to listen as well. And give my providers the respect they deserve. And credit to the family members who worked to help me. Recovery is not just a series of criteria. Its how you approach and treat people as well. And for a moment I forgot that. And I am thankful the dream reminded me. And I will be sure always to keep that in mind.