Jul 03, 2010
I dont know what it is abbout me. I know I have some problems. I know that. THe chronic pain, PTSD and side effects make me someone people do not want to be around. I understand that. I hate it. and it makes me so sad. But I understand why. I can comfort myself sometimes by telling myself that it isn't ME that people can't stand to be around, it is the physical manifestations of my conditions that people do not want to be around. It makes for lonely life, but like I said, after spending a lot of time siucidal over it, now I am at least able to see that it isn't ME that is offensive to people, it is my conditions.
But, my mother, that is different. She doesnt like me when I am having physical issues, but she even doesnt like me when I am having a better day and trying to get her to watch a 30 minute sitcom with me. I even fast forwarded through the commercials (we have a DVR downstairs) so that she wouldn't have to sit with me for the full 30 minutes. Even my dad tried to get her to sit down with me before he left for meetings. I have been having a really bad day, but I went all the way downstairs. It was obvious that the whole idea was for the 2 of us to watch something we could both laugh and smile at together. But she got up and left the room without a word about 3 minutes after he pulled out of the driveway.
I guess, I just don't understand. Part of me thinks maybe she really does have BPD and maybe that is why she does the things she does. But why would she wait till he leaves and no one can see it, then she just gets up silently with out even letting me know she is no longer going to be watching the show with me. I feel like that is "silent treatmet" even though I didnt ask her a specific question that she was refusing to answer, I think she knows that by getting up and leaving me alone in the room without even saying anything. I think she has to know how much that hurts me. I want to think she doesnt know, I want her to be just confused. But the part of my brain that is still smart. That part knows the truth I think. I think I know that she is choosing her actions very carefully, and I know her well enough to know that she is aware of it when she does things like stay silent as she leaves a room that I am in. And it wasn't even like I just happened to be in that room randomly. Before my dad left the whole idea was that we would sit down and watch it together, her and I. Dad and I even said that out loud. I think he was trying to help me. Trying to help get us both on neutral ground that was positive and smiling to hopefully begin to heal some of the damage our relationship has sustained since I started standing up and telling people about the physical violence.
I just don't understand what the issue is. Why is everything I have tried to do for her not enough for her to like me. Why does she go out of her way to do things, or make litle comments that she knows cut me to the core like a knife?
I can''t help but think it is either that she just really doesn't even like me. Like the real me, she might like the "me" that she wishes I would be, but the "me" who I am now, I think she doesn't want to be its mother. I feel like she doesnt want me to be her daughter, that she would rather have someone who is more like her and who isn't always asking for extra help that she wouldn't otherwise need to give if I were a regular daughter.
I guess, I don't even know why I am writing this. I will probably tell my dad that minutes after the garage door closed she got up and went outside to lay on the deck and read books and smoke and work on her tan.
Often I feel like before the accident. Before all the things that it ended up causing my current situation, before, I wouldn't have been so dependant on her showing me that I was worth something. Because I had work, and I was so good at it that it was kind of easy for me to pay attention to something else that I felt made me "worth" respecting and paying attention to, and spending time with, etc etc.
Now I don't have the ability to produce the things I used to. So when she does things like that, it hurts even more. Because I don't have any way to prove to her that I am worth speaking to when you leave the room. Or even that I am worth staying in the room with.
How can she not see how her actions make me feel like a "nonperson" I am just a lump of flesh in a chair or on a couch that doesn't even warrant basic human curtesy. I know she has to be able to see it, because I know that one cannot "accidently" forget to say a word while chosing to get up in the middle of a show that we are supposed to be bonding over, walk past me as I am talking, and open the door, walk through it, and close it, all without a word. That is intentional. I feel secure in saying that is not me being paranoid or oversensitive or all PTSD-ee. SHe has done that same thing multiple times to me in other rooms when we are both in them under the impression that it is "quality" mother daughter time.
I am sad. I don't know how to feel about this, and her, my mother, who I want to love me, and who I depend on for cargiving help and transportation to the Dr. I don't know how much of it is my fault. I don't know how to tell her how much it hurts me, because it seems like that is what she is trying to do. It feels like she is trying to make me hurt as badly as she thinks I SHOULD hurt based on whatever issue she thinks she is "explaining" to me by her actions and by saying one thing while she obviously means another.
I feel like if I didn't have all the issues I have, I would be able to handle it, I would be able to not make it hurt so much. But I do not have any idea how to handle this. The only thing I know to do when I encounter people like this in my life, people that take more energy from you than they ever ever give, is to just walk away from them. That is what I always did in my life before the physical issues. But I cant walk away from her because we live here number one, but most impotantly, because I depend on her for physical help during the day, and for driving me places. I am in the process of trying to make other arrangements for my rides places, but its not like there are people all over the place with nothing to do but drive me around. IDK, any suggestions are welcome. I will probably post this is the BPD forums and the PTSD ones to see if anyone has suggestions on how to "manage" this issue, and mostly how to manage the idea that my mom cannot give me what I need in a "mother". :(