Jul 25, 2010
I hate this depression and the fatigue and the crying and the isolating and the....
I've got something important to do tonight. A house concert. I'm gonna have to face about 40-50 people I don't know (I only know the artist, and that is only by e-mail). I'm going to have to mingle over the meal portion of the evening. Try to last long enough to enjoy the music. Try to fight the fatigue long enough to stand through the whole show.
I made the committment to myself, so I have to go. Sometimes if my depression tells me to not do something I know that is why I have to do it.
I have 2-1/2 hours before I have to leave. That is 2-1/2 hours I have to fight the urge to cancel the plan.
I woke up in tears this morning. Bad nightmares. I don't think it was related, but who can be sure? I've been very touchy all day. Probably from fighting the urge to not go. Probably from the fear of facing people. Probably from not having anyone to call and talk to, to help me calm down. I hate being alone. But depression is the great separator. It drives me underground. I hate underground.
I used to be extroverted. An old girlfriend told me that one of the reasons she loved me is that she could always tell when I had been in a room. The people were animated in a way that recorded my presence. She could always follow that trail and find me at a party. Everytime. I could indeed work a room. I loved people and I loved interacting with them... I loved winding them up. But that was then. Depression, the dark thief took that from me. Stole it away like a bully taking my milk money. Left me with this... this fear of people, fear of any level on intimacy... even the casual engagement at a party.
But I'll go. The artist is expecting me and I won't let her down. I'll try to talk to one person. That is my goal. I think I can manage that. I hope I can manage that. One person and her. At least we know each other a little via our e-mail conversation.
I'll go heavy with the weight of all this crap swirling around in my head. I'll take my adderall and drink Starbucks and pretend I don't just want to lay down. I won't let the old me hate the new me... if only for the day.
I wish I didn't feel so nauseous. I guess I'll take a Meclizine. I wish it wasn't so goddamn hot, especially in the valley where the house is. At least that will be an excuse for my probable sweating.
Lord this is a whine of a journal entry but I am writing it out trying to find some balance. I'll put my fear and my tears and my sorrow and my regret out in this electric pixel alphabet and hope that they will be kept in check for a while. So far it doesn't seem to be working. Maybe I'll try again before I have to go. I have to go. I have to go. I have to go.