Soooo you were in my dream last night and it was prom again. And we all decided to wear the same thing again. Cept I forgot to wear a bra and my hair was curlier than yours for some reason. And you were very upset and would not dress up. And Chels was wearing heals the size of elevators. For some reason it was in the g...ym, but not our gym. There were puddles on the floors that I kept jumping in in those blue heals of yours, with the bows on top? sorry about that. But then all of a sudden I looked out the window and these small children were glowing green and flying on vacuums toward us wearing tshirts that said something about ruining 2010's prom, as if that was a big thing?I think they were small conservatives, to be honest. It got really windy out and I had to grab Chels football style and carry her back inside. I'm not sure how we got outside in the first palce, or why there was like 5 doors to outside in the gym, which wasn't attached to the rest of the school? Anyways, suddenly these... doors appeared that led to secret rooms that weren't architectually possible and that hall monitor kept saying we had "5 minutes" before we'd all die if we didn't hide in those rooms. So I tossed Chels in and went to look for Steve. Who refused to wear his tux and instead was wearing a skeleton outfit...And like 6 pairs of pants, one was jeans, one was cargos, etc.I have no idea why unless it was just to **** me off. His jacket came down to his knees and he kept dancing like a leprechaun. He was watching Transformers, which was playing on the wall? So were you, and you were wearing a blue dress. It had big ugly flowers on it, and you were barefoot. Again with your rebelliousness.... You were laughing at the movie. There were kindergarteners there too, in little tuxes, sitting with you guys. Nick was walking aimlessly around dressed like a civil war general- but in ice blue, not like, royal blue. It was pretty sweet. The big dinner they serve was maple candy. And let me tell you, it tasted amazing. And then I woke up.
And my actual day: I played way too much sims and my mom helped me make a skirt. Yes, cut and sew fabric. I felt pretty awesome. I felt wicked tired all day. No good. It's late now, but I just can't drag myself upstairs. Why can't I just get a grip on ****? I hate this. I hate it all. I watched a whole disc of Dexter with Steve. He went to a skirt doctor today. I hope it makes him happier. Then we watched The Land Before Time. I looove that movie. Always have.
but I've been so horrible to him lately. I feel like everything he does is just to **** me off, but I know it isn't. He isn't like that. I just can;t help screwing things up as they go into my head and getting so mad at him. I know he's getting sick of my ridiculous behavior. I'm sorry, Steve. I'm so sorry. I said it years ago, you deserve better. I'm a waste of you.
And on top of that, she's been with him all night and now I'm hearing about it and I am, I'm so happy she's happy. That means everything.
It's not fair. I'm not even real so I fall below them, and I know this. No problem. Their happiness means something, you know? It matters. It's real and they'll do something with it. I'm a pawn to move them along. But why do I have to feel the pain too? Why couldn't I be a void? It's tearing me apart. But I'm wasting money being brought to therapy, because I'll never change. That's why I haven't gone. Not all summer, or some time before that. I wouldn't. I'm just wasting money. It's not worth their time either. Who knows how long I'll be around? I certainly don't.
Children are such an investment and you don't even know if you'll end up with a kid like me. I wish I came with a reciept and a 30 year return policy.