Changing the Guard

The new year is bringing a lot of hope for change in my life.  I started my Chantix to stop smoking, I joined a diet community to modify my diet and I have subscribed to some podcasts to motivate me and enrich me.  My alcoholism sabotages me though.  It makes me think things that aren't reality.  It deceives me into thinking I can not or I'm not worthy enough to achieve my goals.  My depression only compounds it.  But I am ready for it.  I have developed a strategy to keep the demons at bay for now.  I don't know if it will work in the long run but I have faith it might.  When I get frustrated and angry thats when things really unravel for me.  Its soo hard to control it.  I get soo weak and I say **** it, its not worth it but I never remember its myself that I am punishing.  Maybe I do and I get some sublime pleasure in mentally berating myself so I can justify my failures.  I also set myself up for the failures I internalize by setting up expectations for myself.  It creates this endless cycle for me that I am just sick and tired of which is good because that means Im ready to change it.  I soo want to change things and I am ready to blow through road blocks and step over dead bodies to get there as they say.  My aggression is misinterpreted a lot so I have to work on that.  Why do I have such a laundry list of things??? It aggravates me but I am choosing to only focus on a few things and the rest might fall into place.  I feel terribly alone despite reaching out for support.  I used to take it personally when people didn't respond but then I realized that they can't help me.  That my problems are too much of a burden in this stressful world.  Even if someone did respond, I might not like what they have to say, so perhaps thats the lesson to be learned here.  
I don't want to be anxious about embarking on this journey.  I don't want to carry resentments.  I don't want to allow myself to feed into that ridiculous negative thinking, how do I change that?  I want to be better.  I want to be a better employee, a better friend, a better lover, a better sibling, better at letting go.  Better at forgiving myself, better at being grateful, better at managing my stress, better at managing my money for that matter! hahahah  I always want more, now with one being too many and a thousand never enough.  It never ends and I wish it weren't the struggle I have but its part of who I am.