A little about Myself

I usually find it much easier to write how I feel then to vocialize it. I've never been one to open up first or just come out and say what is on my mind. I guess you can call me an introvert. The thoughts that run through my mind taunt me daily, but I'm not ready to open up or let out my secrets. For the past 8 years I have been battling anorexia that was induced by my mother's ex-husband. He was very verbally abusive and to cope with my stress I starved myself. I was diagnosed with stress-induced anorexia. I thought I had won my battle, but came to realize very quickly that it was more than just stress that caused it; it was the thought of becoming "fat". Pretty much my whole family is on the heavier side, and the thought of looking like that scares me. Though it is unhealthy not to eat, I can't bring myself to eat even one meal a day. The site of food and the thought of ingesting it makes me physically ill. I have not told anyone this because I know the reaction I will get when I do. I have 2 small children and in the past year since my youngest was born, I have gone from 150 lbs to 115 lbs. as of today. The better half of that I have lost with in the last 60 days. I am obssessed with weighing myself. I probably step on the scale atleast 3 times a day, if not more. I have overcome this in the past, but it always shows it's face when I'm least expecting it. A lot has happened in the last few months, but I would not call myself stressed out. I do have a lot on my plate right now and as of next week I will be a full time mom, student, and working 2 jobs just to support my children. I do have wonderful support and help. I just can't seem to stop and eat. Last night on my way to new student orientation I had a McChicken sandwich from McDonald's and I couldn't even eat it. I was physically ill. I did eventually eat it since it was the first thing I had ate all day. Usually I go until 8 or 9 pm before I do eat. I drink about 3 cans of pop a day and water to stay hydrated. Hopefully eventually I can overcome this, but I'm not sure if I'm strong enough. I love the way I look thin and afraid to put any weight on at all even if it is just a few pounds. I know there are other people out there like me, just afraid to say anything. So now I finally have said something and feel better. Hopefully soon I will be ready to admit it to my family. Thanks for reading and support if you write back. --Kendra