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Looked like piece of my brain came out of my nose after all. Happy anniversary :/

Aug 18, 2010 - 15 comments

Sorry this is going to be a gross entry but I have to get it out of my head because I'm trying to go to sleep and not toss and turn all night because I'm thinking about it and depressed and angry over it...

Well I heard the horror stories from other members who are recovering cocaine addicts with holes in their noses, but I guess on some level I still didn't think it would happen to me, still. LOL, how pathetic is that? Jeez...

I thought my nose was healing up so well, it looked so much better on the inside and for a second I actually had myself convinced the hole was less severe and smaller than I originally thought. Duh. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with my brain and how I think??

And then I did a sinus rinse just a few minutes ago (I do this before I go to sleep to clean out the crud before I pack it up again with vaseline for the night, to keep it moist so it can heal).

And out came the same little, oval shaped, brain matter looking like scab I've seen come out all of these months before I quit. The one where, if I had paid attention to what I already really knew it was months ago, and would have taken the time to look up there and face reality for once, would have shown me what I already knew was happening. A hole going from one side of my septum to the next. The light shining through. Maybe had I caught it earlier it would have had a chance to heal up so much better and I would have come to the realization that I had to quit already and enough was enough.

But I didn't. Until it was big enough to be significant. And tonight when that scab fell out, all brain matter like (thanks Gizzy, it's really what it looks like too) and I looked inside to see what happened (whatever that means) I noticed the hole is looking even larger and more raw than before.

So after balling over it for a few minutes I dried my eyes and  just shoved more vaseline up there, and am trying to ignore the awful horrible whistling noise that I am hearing again, now that it's scab free and wide open again.

I knew deep down I wasn't in the clear, but I was really really hoping that somehow it magically just got better, even if just a little better. LOL! Denial monster strikes again!

Well, lesson learned. There is no quick fix in all of this. I know I have been harping on the hole, but that hole is so symbolic of my addiction and blatant denial for so long that it's really hard for me to ignore. It just all keeps going back to it and reminds me of how stupid I have been, just not living in reality at all.

I'm guessing this won't be the last time a chunk that looks like my brain ends up swirling down my bathroom sink after a sinus rinse, so I might as well desensitize myself to the thought of it now. I just wasn't expecting such a present on a day that is not only mine and my husband's two week anniversary of being clean, but also our 4 year wedding anniversary, and the first anniversary we have probably ever had, sober.



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by Kragy, Aug 18, 2010
Happy 2 weeks clean! the first 30 days are vital in one's recovery. Are you doing any AA or NA meetings? i hope so, they really do work. Don't stress to much about the nose it will get better, just give it time and stay clear of any sticky and potential using situations. it does get better. i'm over a year clean off of heroin and crack and my life has made a complete 180c, i have even recently quit smoking (only 6 days tody but hey it's a start)

I hope that you stay with your decision to stay stopped... God Bless :-)

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by laurel453, Aug 18, 2010
Liz, dear, sorry for this... you sound a little bit scared but i have heard from others here that it takes some time until it starts healing....maybe you could check with a doctor... and don't regret about the time you quitted thinking that i could have been sooner when your nose was not that damaged and etc....we quit when we hit rock bottom, this is it. No sooner nor later, when we hit rock bottom and  with  time you will even be thankful of this rock bottom because it made you stopped and saved your life. .....how is this saying about counting our blessings ... ;)

hey, kragy... welcome to the forum :)

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by lifewithoutcoke, Aug 18, 2010
Thanks guys:) Yeah, I was really freaked out about it last night. Had nightmares (of course) that I was using again, or that hubby was using again. It was all in all horrid. But we're not, we're ok, and you're both right, it will all get better. It's one day at a time. I was gung ho on thinking it would get fixed faster. Which I know in reality is never the case. Just disappointed in myself is all...

Laurel, when I come back from the low into reality I know it's STILL a blessing that it's the worst thing that I did to myself. As it could have been a lot worse...it was just hard to see last night. You know, too much expectation on ourselves got me again :)

Hi Kragy, first of all congratulations on your sobriety :) I am still amazed when I meet someone new on here who has that many days/months clean:) I am looking into AA meetings. Unfortunately where I live NA is non-existent (I live on a small island with unfortunately very limited resources) and the AA meetings aren't what I was used to stateside. I was disappointed so far. I will try again, and there is also a hotline here you supposedly can call to get help but I have yet to reach someone on it rather than an answering machine or a person who transfers me to someone else, and then another answering machine. Great, just what an addict needs, right?

I was hoping to find a counselor who specializes in this sort of thing for some one on one therapy (which always worked better for me in the past for other issues I was dealing with). It's too easy for me to pretend I'm "ok" in a group setting. What I end up doing, or have at least in the past is focus on helping everyone else and not on myself at all. I don't know if that makes sense. I guess I put on a show for people, it's part of my nature. One on one with a no bull - s h i t counselor is better for me because I can't fake all is well:)

I found a sponser regardless, a friend living here who is 19 years clean from alcohol and crack, and is in school getting his masters for Substance Abuse Counseling. For now, he is my support system/person who can get me through a craving, as is my husband. It's (so far) been easier with both of us doing this together. He's wanted to get sober and has tried for longer than myself. I was the enabler the last couple of years, which the guilt of that is killing me as well. But we've been able to lean on eachother for now. The hard part will be needing outside help and support when one of us or both of us is craving and/or has had a relapse. I'm praying every day that it doesn't happen but I also am well aware of how many times over the last 15 years I have quit and relapses so....I'm being realistic.

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by laurel453, Aug 18, 2010
what you have said  that a counselor might be better for you because you tend to care more about the other one's well being than yours... hey, it makes sense Lol...you see, here you can find everything makes sense, you are not the only one to say and think that way... i know i have the same problem, avis has spoken about the same..both of us are going to therapy and with counselors and at the moment , it is working for us.... some kind of aftercare is really important here, we need some help and what we have  to find is what works for each one of us :)

your friend who is 19 years clean sound also a very good support for you too.

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by lifewithoutcoke, Aug 18, 2010
Suni, you're right my dear :) everything here is making sense. I am blessed to have found this place and all of you guys! Really I don't know where I would be right now. I knew two weeks ago when I joined (after lurking on this site for months prior to that) I would find I rely on this place to get me through some of the rough patches. Again, last night, being able to just come on here and post a journal entry before I went to bed, helped to clear my mind and make me ok again so I could even get to sleep.

I remember a time not long ago when even with this damage in my nose, the disappointment in myself might have led me to give up time and time again and use. But not this time. I thank the powers that be everyday for this :)

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by laurel453, Aug 18, 2010
...we have all tried for a lot of time  quitting but ....as long as we never give up :) but i understand you, this place has been my guide and where to find strenght and light to my doubts about myself, we can do it, yeah !!!

i read in some other journal of yours that the na meetings would be in another language too ? and this is the great obstacle... the na meetings i found here were quite far from where i live and within a rehab facility for people, mostly men who have had problems with the law,...  i would have give it a try but this was not for me...what i have discovered here is that all of us after quitting want to help others and be helped by others and i think this is the prevalent feeling in na so our " characteristic" would not have been strange there :)

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by vicki595, Aug 18, 2010
Liz~

Don't use vaseline...it's not water soluble.  Try Neosporin or hydrocortisone cream. And definitely see an ENT. They've seen it all and can probably help...stop the rinsing,too. If you're stuffy,take Sudafed.

Two weeks is great!!   Are you taking vitamins???

xoxo Vicki

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by lifewithoutcoke, Aug 18, 2010
Hi Vicki :)

Thanks for the tips. Really? Gosh everywhere I read it said vaseline it like crazy. I actually started with polysporin today, it feels a lot more liquidy and has the antibiotic factor. Why not rinsing though? I'm curious because that's another thing I kept reading about doing. I was really only using the rinse to clean it out (there's a lot of grossness coming out) before I reloaded the vaseline. You think it's too much and I should stop messing with it, right? I'm sure you're right.

I guess I'm wondering whether the scab falling out is actually a good thing or bad thing. Again going to the ent here, it's a small island and everyone knows everyone and he's the only one on island. I went to see him before my surgery a few years back and he gave me hell about how irritated my nose looked, and just shoved steroids at me (both oral and nasal) and wouldn't listen to me when I told him I didn't want them.

I'm going stateside in two weeks to visit family, and I will go there to see an ent anonymously, pay cash, so it stays off my medical records incase I need another surgery down the road sometime. This guy down here already has my info on record and I don't trust him, and he's just a pompous *** in general who doesn't listen at all >:(

Until then I will stick to antibiotic ointment solely...

Yes, lots of vitamins, and amino acids, all the recommended ones from my new friends here to help rebalance:)

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by LeaAnn807, Aug 18, 2010
HI!  I'm sorry you're going through this, but it sounds like you are really trying to take care of yourself now.  I just wanted to say that I think you are doing great, and please keep a watch on this and visit with an ENT!  

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by lifewithoutcoke, Aug 18, 2010
Hi Tramahater,
Thanks for your post and concern:) I'm trying! LOL, just not always sure what it the "right"  thing to do, at least with the nose situation. I will definitely keep a watch on it, it's all I can think about! And will get to an ENT as soon as I can. If it get's considerably worse, which I don't think it is, I will at least see my primary down here. I trust him and don't think he will judge me...

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by vicki595, Aug 18, 2010
Liz~   It's just my opinion (educated) but I think continuously "flushing" disrupts the natural flora and prevents any healing from taking place. Plus,the vaseline doesn't disolve. It just builds up until it gets blown out in a big glob of grossness,taking with it brand new tissue.  An ENT would probably tell you to put KY jelly up there to keep it moist. I'm not kidding and I know this because..........

Great idea seeing an ENT for cash. When they ask what insurance you have say you are "self insured". They'll think you're very rich. Don't give your soc. sec. number.You don't have to. You don't have to give your real name either. It's not illegal unless you're trying to defraud someone. Which you're not.  :)

Love ya!!

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by lifewithoutcoke, Aug 18, 2010
Vicki!
KY Jelly, eh? I can give that a shot! And you know this because.....why? Remember, still have a hole in my head too so I'm probably not going to be able to figure that out on my own right away...LOL! Help a sister out!

Thanks for the ENT tips:) Hey, ya know all that money I spent over the last 15 years?....damn I probably could have been (slightly) rich....er....lol....

Love you too~!

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by vicki595, Aug 18, 2010
....because I've had a sore/dry nose once or twice and I had a "deviated" septum and I had surgery for it and I had to SNORT KY jelly post op and that pretty much cured any thoughts I might have in the future of putting anything else up my nose and it worked.  LMAO
Don't snort it just use it sparingly on affected area 3 x per day.

xo

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by lifewithoutcoke, Aug 18, 2010
LOL, Yeah, something tells me snorting it might be a bit of a trigger....and definitely not as satisfying!

And on another note....AHA!!! I just made the connection to an earlier post you were helping me with and this one:) I see....very nice. Thank you Vicki:) You're a great friend and this place and all of us are lucky to have you:)

Perhaps in 10 years....lol, that's my "long term" goal...not my "end" goal, but a goal to make it better....Let's just leave it at that :)



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by matza, Mar 21, 2011
Hi all !!!!

Want to know what is even more irritating?? to have someone look down their nose at you while they look up it.LMFAO!!!  Why? I am 44 years old, never been involved with the law, have addmitted to being a binge alcoholic cleanfor 6 years). this past year was put through a horrible separation and divorce. Ended up with DUI, minor domestic assault and conditions on my life I would have never expected. Sheesh , cant anyone have a breakdown now and then??? well, while I was in treatment I fainted and broke my nose and have had sinus trouble for the past 3 months. Because of my history and where I am in life, people just assume it is because of some overuse of somesort. I am tired of fighting the big fight because I have been trying to be on the straight and narrow since 93".................So, now I have this nose thing that has nothing to do with alcoholism and Im being treated now as a cocaine addict? is that fair??anyone else in this situation

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