Aug 18, 2010
Sorry this is going to be a gross entry but I have to get it out of my head because I'm trying to go to sleep and not toss and turn all night because I'm thinking about it and depressed and angry over it...
Well I heard the horror stories from other members who are recovering cocaine addicts with holes in their noses, but I guess on some level I still didn't think it would happen to me, still. LOL, how pathetic is that? Jeez...
I thought my nose was healing up so well, it looked so much better on the inside and for a second I actually had myself convinced the hole was less severe and smaller than I originally thought. Duh. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with my brain and how I think??
And then I did a sinus rinse just a few minutes ago (I do this before I go to sleep to clean out the crud before I pack it up again with vaseline for the night, to keep it moist so it can heal).
And out came the same little, oval shaped, brain matter looking like scab I've seen come out all of these months before I quit. The one where, if I had paid attention to what I already really knew it was months ago, and would have taken the time to look up there and face reality for once, would have shown me what I already knew was happening. A hole going from one side of my septum to the next. The light shining through. Maybe had I caught it earlier it would have had a chance to heal up so much better and I would have come to the realization that I had to quit already and enough was enough.
But I didn't. Until it was big enough to be significant. And tonight when that scab fell out, all brain matter like (thanks Gizzy, it's really what it looks like too) and I looked inside to see what happened (whatever that means) I noticed the hole is looking even larger and more raw than before.
So after balling over it for a few minutes I dried my eyes and just shoved more vaseline up there, and am trying to ignore the awful horrible whistling noise that I am hearing again, now that it's scab free and wide open again.
I knew deep down I wasn't in the clear, but I was really really hoping that somehow it magically just got better, even if just a little better. LOL! Denial monster strikes again!
Well, lesson learned. There is no quick fix in all of this. I know I have been harping on the hole, but that hole is so symbolic of my addiction and blatant denial for so long that it's really hard for me to ignore. It just all keeps going back to it and reminds me of how stupid I have been, just not living in reality at all.
I'm guessing this won't be the last time a chunk that looks like my brain ends up swirling down my bathroom sink after a sinus rinse, so I might as well desensitize myself to the thought of it now. I just wasn't expecting such a present on a day that is not only mine and my husband's two week anniversary of being clean, but also our 4 year wedding anniversary, and the first anniversary we have probably ever had, sober.