May 16, 2017
For the life of me, I can't figure this out. I've done a lot of work on myself the last few years. One of the things that I tried to work through was holding grudges. This required me to take a good look at all of the grudges and the people I was holding them with, evaluate the situation, acknowledge the problem and then forgive them.
My therapist asked me dozens of times, "Why do you hold grudges?" The answer was, "It's my fuel. It keeps me going and now I know that this person won't ever be able to get over on me again.". Same question, same answer dozens of times. Then one day after a lengthy discussion about on particular grudge that I was a little less willing to let go of, she asked me, "What do you get from holding this grudge?" The word "nothing" fell from my lips before I could really even figure out what I wanted to say, and when it did, it lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders.
From that day, I went through all of my grudges, acknowledged what was done to me, accepted it and then let it go. I knew that holding grudges served no positive purpose in my life and only caused me grief. Some of the people I got to address personally. Some are on the other side. With each one, letting go let more weight off of my shoulders.
Fast forward to today. For some reason, I am holding a grudge with someone that I have to interact with a couple of times a week if I am unlucky. This whole thing is over a discussion/argument that took place probably 15 years ago. It's ridiculous that I can't just drop it. Its not even important and I know that it doesn't serve me any purpose.
There are 168 hours in a week. I have to spend 1-2 hours maximum in this persons presence and it just irks the hell out of me. This person is not a communicator. She has mannerisms and facial expressions that are off putting. When we speak, we get along just fine but I can't help but hold on to the tension from all those years ago. I don't understand it.
This person is of no consequence to me and I am frustrated that I am giving this thing this much time right now.
Does anyone else do this? Better than that, has anyone ever discovered a way to just drop something? Compared to the things that I was able to give up, why is this so difficult?