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Just got back from HELL

Sep 24, 2010 - 6 comments
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emotions

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Relationships

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marriage

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Changed

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drug addiction

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Addtiction

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emotional

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Agoraphobia

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Anxtiety

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Panic Disorder



Hello All,

First off you need to YOUTUBE "Gary Allen " I just got back From Hell" then you will know what I"m speaking of..He say's I have been mad at everyone including God and You..and when you can't find anyone to blame you end up just blamming yourself....And God Forgive me I just got back from HELL.....

OK so let me just lay it out there......Not like I hold back a whole lot...But this is one site that I'm on all by myself , unlike Facebook where my kids and husband are all on it...
so part of my deal is I'm totally bored in my marriage we have been married 10 years together 11 or so and then he has went threw both Chemo's with me and he is a great man, but I have found that when my sex drive finally came back we as always do not match and you know Sex is not everything but it is allot of it and it sure hurts the marriage when you are not inline..
So then to add to my pile of Crap I just want to get the hell away from everything...I swear to you I would Join the Peace Core or the Red Cross, no its not to get away from something because that something will be with me when I get to ware ever I go..but to be honest I'm tired of the same old same old...I'm tired of fighting with my husband because I want sex and he does not , I'm sick of one of my girls I can never do anything Good Enough for her........and I'm really tired of caring what others think of me...Sick of that..........From what Kind of Person I am...to my views on life.....You know I am a pretty Easy going person and I give allot and there for I love allot and I get Hurt allot but that is part of being me...but when you get to the point that you want to get the hell away from it all and You did Just get back From HELL.........What do you do??? I mean come on how much Do I have to do?? Cancer 2 times Count it.........1 year long Chemo 2 times...then 5 kids....one x wife that would not stay out of my life...........a husband that loves me, but ummmm we have hit that wall and he has NO IDEA....I find myself thinking there has got to be more to this life and oh then to top it off from all the above you all know I got off the pain meds and that in it self is a Trip and not so much fun and those of you who know me also know NONE of my family friends doctors none of them know what I went threw......OH I guess a couple of People do and My husband does but you know he is not a big Hey You did a Great Job sort of guy...

And like I said a couple of days ago I have felt sorry for myself and that is OK to feel that way sometimes... this I know but have any of you went threw a stage in your life ware you are changing your view's the way you see things? You know things in your  life you have been living is just not doing it for you  any more? I just am not Happy...Yes I am Alive and Well and but  am I Really Happy Hmm I have to say  No to that ..Oh and everyone wants you realize that life is not always Happy...and Yes  I got that.. duh...but how about  feeling  like you have made a difference? Yes I have raised 4 and half wonderful kids and Yes I still have one left at home so I cant run out that front door so fast, but come on there has to be more to this life and does anyone question things any more? Does anyone else not want to watch BORING MINDLESS T.V. Does anyone else end up watching Documentaries rather then just mindless stuff? I mean I do watch CRAP..Trust me I watch enough of it..but I'm kind of sick of it and what do I do with this restless feeling and how do I talk to my husband how do I change things in my life ??? And Really I want to stop being Scared all the time I want to Really live life...Come on I just got back from Hell.......It is time to Live again......

Bless You for Reading......I would love to let you know I'm writing this listing to Mr. Gary Allen and I love to pour out my heart................Sometimes you just need to......

Thank You All
Rhea


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535822_tn?1417529476
by margypops, Sep 24, 2010
hjahahah you are a card rhea... i am also a crap addict especially in the night .....I gave up trying to change my DH long time ago , I changed my own outlook about me and got on with my life ......

1316708_tn?1310919782
by ladyrhea4, Sep 24, 2010
Well there is a Idea of Changing myself..........How much  do we have to do that? How often, and hey I'm slow what the heck does DH stand for? But Ya I'm guessing that the Addicted to the Especially Night means....and Yes I am...and I'm getting to the point of done with all the crap , But one thing I do have to note to myself I do have a much better out look when I read Positive Crap all the time. But does that mean one can't be Real sometiems?
Well thanks for the comments honey
LOVEs Rhea

1118884_tn?1338596450
by 29sillygirl, Sep 24, 2010
Getting your mojo back can bring major shifts in what you consider your due in this life.  

I read Madame Bovary by Flaubert years ago, and thought 'damn should have read it when I was a bored housewife:)'  In my case wouldn't have changed outcome.  I bolted when I was 39.  As you know.  Rough rough road for several years, while I struggled to become someone, first in school: editor of newspaper, etc.  Then when I got my first real job @ a large international corp.

All I can tell you is nothing lasts. The good the bad the ugly.  If your husband doesn't do it for you...leave.
If I could, anyone can.  I had not one cent of alimony/child support.  Oh yeah...he is the guy who just killed one of my sons....a real gem.  LIke Margy said tho' if he isn't Hitler reincarnated, you can take the good and be philosophical about the rest.

As to the positive crap...ummm...it is crap.  Say it like it is.  F****** A.  Who can be 'positive' constantly...it is phoney, and a peculiar trend in our culture.  Be real, Rhea.  You are a gorgeous woman ....have lots of life to live.  Need to meet more stimulating people.....just know from my life that at the end of the day you are left with yourself.  And whatever life you choose, it will reflect you...not the mom, wife, daughter, cancer survivor ...blah blah....you.


1316708_tn?1310919782
by ladyrhea4, Sep 25, 2010
29Sillygirl,

Sweetie this is a great answer both you women gave Such insight...He is a great man and ya getting your MoJo back can kind be a pain in the A...when you and your hubby don't match up it is just the pits. We are best friends and do just about everything together and I guess I'm just sick of the not matching Sexual..I think I will check out your book your speaking about but if you think it is going to drive me nuts when read I wont'..
I know what you mean about leaving , I did it with my x husband and I never thought I would do such a thing...but this time around I am checking things our a little closer, not that I should not have left the x but it is the same time zone when things went bad before write at 10 years....so don't want to move into something dumb...

Maybe I should go and volunteer some place? I think I will check that out and tell you what I find..

Loves and hugs my dear friend
Rhea

1118884_tn?1338596450
by 29sillygirl, Sep 26, 2010
Hey babe,
Madame Bovary is heavy.  A classic.  Don't think you need to read a book.  Heh.  You've got all us wise ones:).

Re the sexual match thing.  In 'The Art of Happiness' a Tibetan monk , the current Dahli Lama ,expresses his beliefs about  marriage .  Reading it gave me an outlook I hadn't had before about being happy in marriage.  And the changes that are inevitable.  But..and this is the main thing.. don't have to lead to misery or divorce.

When in major change mode.....hang on to something/one familiar.  Just recalled how you guys met.  And what you said about him as compared to ex......yeah.   Love that you put stuff out....then look at it more closely.  It is all good.

Last word: volunteering gets you out and involved socially with people outside home and family.  Can be great.  Invigorating.
Be glad you are in the mood to explore.  A real change from a few months back.          Love,  Ann


1316708_tn?1310919782
by ladyrhea4, Sep 26, 2010
Ann Dear,
Hubby is helping me around the house with the stuff I can't move but I saw your post and You are one heck of a wise women...And Yes I do have You Women to be blessed with and I'm sure can help me...Sure love you and thank you that you always come back with something outstanding...As for the Dalli Lama I am so with you on anything he has give...Along with all the Changes I have going on in my life along with them is my questions on Religion and I'm not going to go off some deep end and I'm pretty sure this is all pretty natural after you have had Life Changing events in your life..Like Cancer and Getting off Pain Meds...And You know I do adore him and Yesterday after I got off the computer I went down to our room and just kind of said it how it is and how I felt and told him I'm not trying to be rude I just have to say what I feel...bless his heart he walks over to me puts both hands on the sides of the chair and looks in my eyes and said Honey What is your Name? I smiled and said "Rhea Stephens" and he said Please always stay Mrs. Stephens and among that and much more, I just thought that was cute...I posted a couple of pics and my hubby is in one of them I do think or I showed everyone Oregon.......Which ever Check it out and thanks again Dear

Love You Mrs. Stephens  

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