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Learning about me each day

Sep 25, 2010 - 4 comments
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about me

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Cancer

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Addiction

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family

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Agoraphobia

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change

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Anxiety Disorder

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Panic Disorder



Well it seems each day brings on some new for me to learn or to let go of or to just let go of...and it has kind of amazed me how this time around in my life things have been so crazy..You know the Mom I saw in my head that I was going to be is not the Mom I turned out to be, you know I wanted to be the house that everyone played at...Then I have a crap load of kids and a (X) husband that was gone everyday of the week and came back on Friday Night or Saturday Mor..WOW.....Hence Not together any more, but oh Side Note that make's you feel like a big Failure for giving up....but oh well moving past that little bump in the road..

But you know I did Raise some darn good kids if I do say myself....and Yes I have bitched about my husband but to be honest he is Such a Good Man and I do adore him, bored with him at the time...you can be both..trust me I am..but it is just not matching up with us write at the moment..

And I also find myself looking for who I am and I guess rather then Running off so to speak I will keep my eye's on the Goal...and I think I will try and find a place I can Volunteer and I still need to look into a Cancer Meetings, I think that would really help me to have people who understand going threw Cancer for the 2nd time. And forgive me I will try and word this the best I can so bare with me please as to do with my Cancer...I have had Melanoma 2 times and I don't know about you but I really knew nothing about it...But Gosh darn it is one Bad *** Cancer..You see if you get it in time you can be fine...and Yes Sunbeds give you Melanoma...anyway lets put it this way in regards to getting to it early in May of 2001 I had a freckle Change in each way they talk about it raised and it has uneven edges and it was kind of a dark gray color but it was the size of a pea and it was a freckle anyway my MD when he saw it in May said if it did any of those things I wrote above then I was to go see a doctor he gave me. So by Oct.. it had done all 3 of them so I went and that doctor said I'm Pretty sure this is not Cancer but we should take it off and send it to the labs...4 days later he called me and said "rhea your labs are back and you have Cancer and we need to find out if it has grown into your Nodes...you have a doctors visit in about a hour can you make it ...It very important you get there.     So yes my husband came home from work got a baby sitter and off we went onto a journey that has brought us here........In the year of 2002 to 2003 I did chemo shots at home 3 times a week and then in the year of 2009 that whole year I did the same thing but one shot a week and they wanted me on it for 5 years to give me 5 years of Cancer free....so I went and saw other doctors and they said you are sick on your chemo and it has not proven to give a person that much more life...so they all felt feeling good is better then living with chemo for 5 years and have it not pay..to live what I have and it maybe many years it may not..

But that is not all that is making me learn about me, it sure is a big part and maybe now some can know why I get in a rush in life I feel like I don't know how long I have and so I want to live life and to do things I want to feel like I made a difference in this world..I know going off and moving myself from here that my self will go with me and I sure don't want to let Life daily life pass me by no matter how boring daily life can be, I want to feel it also...Ya I said I want to feel it even when those feelings can hurt you still learn if you are lucky

Along with that I have to tell you I have been blessed with great friends but the best of those friends have been older Women whom I have always been blessed with in my life, you see if you have a older friend in your life and you learn to listen you will hear things that they have done and you know the dance does not change, You listen and you can spare your self some hurt or maybe not hurt so bad...

And Now I'm turning out to be that person with some of the Younger Girls and its a blessing for me..its time for me to give back and I am pleased to do so...
along with that I really am leaning each day...I have changed my views , I have changed my life I ask questions on things and don't just take what others say as the TRUTH all MIGHTY you know what I  mean?

I am thankful for this Journal because I am able to talk about Just how I feel and I can also get feed back and I will keep saying it.........You all are a blessing
Thanks So Much
Rhea

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by margypops, Sep 25, 2010
thats what I like about the journals Rhea that they are all about us speaking out about whatever we like and those who wish to participate can , you have certainly been through some trauma and none of us know how long we have, you are living life fully now and you have certainly won the hearts here on MH I enjoy reading your journals . Yes you are helping others thats what we mostly do here, get help and give help..it works for me ...I just adore your positive attitude , my gut tells me you are going to be around a very long time ....

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by ladyrhea4, Sep 25, 2010
Ah Sweet pea my Gut tell's me that also...Thank you and thank you for saying that I am able to help others, YOU know  all of you have been such a big help to me that I don't see what I could do to help others. And you know here on MH it is such a great group of people that really care and I don't ever think I have met a bad person around here, you can't say that much on the net these days.
Thanks for helping me see the Good things in life
Loves and hugs Rhea

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by patient13, Sep 25, 2010
Hi Rhea I enjoyed your story about how you like having the children play at your house. I had a basal cell carcinoma myself and so far it hasn't spread. I like how you said we learn new things each day. Your insight showed me things about myself too. I hope I can learn new things too. God bless, take care of yourself =)

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by 29sillygirl, Sep 26, 2010
Agree with Margypops.  Journaling is the only place we can really speak out without editing ourselves.  I try to be careful in posts, you know, don't say too much or too little.  

This journal entry is the first I read where I get the whole picture of your cancer journey.  Babe.  You have been down a very very hard road. Hope you share it with folks in dermatology forum.

Your vivacious accounting of your journey now tells me you won't be kept down by past horrors.  Agree also that you are going to be around a long time.  No worries.  You do give back.

BTW: Once upon a long long time ago.  It was my house, with the fresh baked cookies or bread, my kids friends wanted to come to.  I often knew things about them their parents didn't.  Had nothing to do with husband...except his salary provided the place and $ for food.  Kids are always going to be drawn by loving non judgemental moms.

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