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Sep 28, 2010 - 13 comments
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I just need to speak my piece about my feelings right now since I haven't voiced them out loud to anyone yet.

I am now 16 weeks pregnant. Baby has been doing great. We find out the gender in 2 weeks. I am personally so excited about this. Although I have 2 children, this will be my husbands first and I want this to be a great experience for us. Unfortunately it has felt nothing but the opposite. I get no feeling from my husband about this at all. Every time I mention something baby related it seems that I only get sarcasm in return. I don't understand why this is happening. Even last night I told him I found a crib I really like and his response was something like "Well I am not sleeping in it and your not so...". Seriously, what does that even mean?????

I have been bottling up these feelings for weeks. Its worse when I see other girls husbands being so incredibly supportive and I cannot believe I am saying this but when I was in my previous relationship and prego, the father was so incredibly attentive and caring during the whole process. Maybe because I have experienced pregnancy like that in the past I am looking for unrealistic expectations???

My husband is not a really sensitive or emotional guy by any means and I understand that but I just feel like I am in this alone sometimes. I ran into one of his friends at a restaurant the other night and he asked me if Jason was excited... I literally froze for a second knowing the truth is no I don't think so... I just told him "He is a guy, I guess he is excited in his own guy way". Seriously how embarrassing.

Another thing is we just bought this beautiful new house that has a beautiful room for a nursery. We just painted it a light neutral color when we moved in and talked about painting it again after we find out the sex. Well it turns out I actually love the way it looks with the neutral color on the walls. The lighting in there make it look so soft and baby like. So I said to him I don't think I want to paint it after all. It looks really nice the way it is. And he said "Good, I dodnt want to paint again anyways". It might not sound so bad but if you could hear the tone this is said in you would completely understand.

As far as our relationship goes nothing has changed really. He seems just as into me as he ever has. We still are intimate pretty regularly and hug and kiss and all of that. It just seems like we are married and do not have a child on the way. I just dont know what to do.

Because I have been so angry inside about this I completely freaked out on him this morning about something little and his first reaction was to insult me and call me lazy. Geez, I just don't even know anymore. I ended telling him not to talk to me and to stay away for me. And let me tell you I really meant it. I really dont want him anywhere near me right now at all!!! I just want some support and to feel like I am not alone all the time. I am sick of hearing him talk to his friends on the phone and being sarcastic about it. I have decided I dont even want him to go to the gender ultrasound with me. Whats the point. It seems hopeless to me at this point.

Please advise me.... Anyone else going through this??? Is this typical of men??? Am I just totally overreacting???

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by Cassandrajane, Sep 28, 2010
I am the type of person who reads things with tone and your husband is being silly!!!

I am not going through this, my other half (John) is just John, yeah he cares, we dont live together we have been through HELL... I mean hell and he will say Night to Harry everynight (I am 6 months). But tbf he only started being like YAY when we found out it was a boy. LOL...
Other wise I am the one doing all the paper work, going to apts by myself and stuff. John is just being insensitive about the birth kinda, If it snows we cant get to the hosp! Well I told him we HAVE to go to the hosp because 1. this is my first, and 2. my blood group is RH Negative and his is positive and if Harry is pos, and his blood mixes with mine, how can I have a blood transfusion from Home? And he went duno. I went oh, so you wanna bring harry up by yourself then??

MEN!

In a really nice way ish., Your hubby kinda needs a wake up slap. Do you both Work? and stuff?
But those sarky comments really are NOT fair. He might be scared, my step dad was a douche to my mum whilst she was pregnant and then he turned into an Alcoholic cause he was scared about being a dad. What is he like with your other kids (Sorry about the 20 questions haha)...

I am sorry he is like this.. Sometimes men don't see what they have infront of them untill its gone...

Here if you need to talk

xx

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by lil_lady25, Sep 28, 2010
I'm sorry to hear that he is being like this. I am not going through the same exact thing but Yes Eric has made comments to me that made me step back and think "that was rude" about our pregnancy and babies. But on the other hand he is super supportive and protective of me watching what I eat and also taking care of me as needed. One thing that bothered me was he had a friend over and he asked "Can you feel them moving yet?" and before I could answer Eric said "No." and kind of rolled his eyes. I said "Actually yes I feel them ever so often. Usually after I eat they get active". Eric doesn't believe me though because he doesnt see it or feel it. Then the other day after my appt on Friday they re-confirmed the gender of two girls and when I told Eric he said "Dangit!" I was so pissed that he would say that about his daughters. He has voiced his opinion since we first found out we were expecting by saying he wanted boys but geeez it's not like you can change it. It was meant to be this way and I wouldnt change anything. His mom said that he was probably kidding and that once he meets them they will be the apple of his eye which I sure hope is true. Not sure if it was the hormones or not but when we first found out we were having girls I thought he was mad at me because of it! Silly, right? I wouldnt worry about Jason, our guys are just scared because they're lives are going to change immensly once these little bundles of joy arrive. Some men just handle things differently than others. When Jason says something that upsets just think "Is it my hormones or am I really mad?" haha It's seemed to work for me so far. Good luck hun, and dont worry he will come around. Especially when you guys find out the gender. It will then seem SO MUCH more real. oxoxo

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by rbohl01, Sep 28, 2010
Cassandra- Yes we both work full time. He is awesome with my two kids. We have been together for 6 years (married a little over 1) so he has pretty much raised them and is an awesome dad to them. His bro and wife are preg and due the same time as us and its hard to see him so excited. It makes me jealous of them which is not cool.

So I decided to air my feeling through text message (I know kind of childish). Sometimes this is the only way I can get Jason to open up to me. Anyways here is how it went...

Me: I have been mad at you for weeks and havent said anything but I need to now. Ever since people found out we are preg I felt like you don't even care. Everytime I mention something baby related you have something sarcastic to say. Even when you talk to other people. I mean seriously who doesnt know there baby's due date? I know you do now but just telling people March is pretty vague. It makes this feel unimportant to you and like last night when i said i found a crib you said something sh!tty in response. I am sick of it. At this point I just think I will go to my Dr appt alone. You dont have to waste your time taking the day off. Sorry I was mean this morning but I just have a lot bottled up and feel like I am going to explode. I love you and don't know what to do...

Jason: I'm excited but I'm so stressed out. I don't know how we can pay for stuff. You want a van, fancy crib, new tv, etc. Yet you hate my job and get angry with me when I have to do it. I hate going out of town but I do it because we want and need things. I just need support and not guilt when I do my job. I'm trying to give you everything. I love you. I love our family.

Me:I need you to show me that you care then. I am miserable and feel alone 90 percent of the time.I don;t want a fancy crib. I was telling you I found one at Target for half the price if you would have just listened to me. Its just hard for me to be alone all of the time. I mean seriously you have never had to be out of town every single week until now. I am not mad at you just the situation. Plus my hormones are freaking through the roof so that doesnt help the situation either. I am unhappy =(

Jason: I want to be together. Can u logout of facebook and help me in the garage? I know u feel alone but I feel like u are married to the computer and then you want to spend time with me watching your shows and not any of mine. Lets work together and not worry about people broadcasting stupid stuff to their friends on facebook.

Me: I like facebook. I will help you in the garage but stop insulting me. You make me feel worthless when you do that and call me things like lazy @ss all the time. It really doesn't make me want to help you. It makes me not like you and your constant sarcasm.I feel like we are failing somewhere here. You want  me to help you but insult me in the process.I am done being insulted by you. Please stop.

Jason: I really have to get working. I love you. Lets talk at home where we have a great house, awesome kids and pets, wonderful tub, and the rest of our lives to make eachother happy. Love you and your enlarged belly.


Ok so I guess things will probably be ok. Now he is being nice of course. I know this will all blow over. Thanks girls for letting me bore you with all my drama. Love you guys =)

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by lil_lady25, Sep 28, 2010
It sounds like you both have had some feeling built up that neither of you have been able to let out. I'm glad that he wants to work through it and make some changes for the positive but some of the comments were rude. Like this one "I want to be together. Can u logout of facebook and help me in the garage? I know u feel alone but I feel like u are married to the computer and then you want to spend time with me watching your shows and not any of mine. Lets work together and not worry about people broadcasting stupid stuff to their friends on facebook." Ok, so maybe you guys could compromise a bit on this one. He shouldnt be calling you lazy because not only do you work full time your also a full time mommy and mommy to be which is alot! I guess maybe just think of things to go over with him tonight to make things better. Maybe agree to buy a used crib to save $$. We bought ours new a while back and now we are regreting it because we have to buy another! It went from a crib for $300 to two for $600 because of course we arent going to put one in brand new and the other in old, that's not fair. I do agree with him that this time is very stressful and yes baby things are expensive! But you have to be grateful atleast he knows what he's getting himself into. Eric has no idea, he still goes out and spends money like crazy while i'm sitting back thinking "Ummmm we really could have used that money to buy.......". Tonight you both should try not to make this into an arguement. You have both already spoken your mind, so now just think of ways to fix what is bothering you. Feel free to vent!! It feels sooooo much better afterwards :)

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by Cassandrajane, Sep 28, 2010
To get my feelings out to John cause he doesnt understand AT ALL...he tells me to shut up when I go on a rant, I write him a letter... (He never reads it) but it kinda getts it out. And if it doesnt then I text him....
like the other day We had to take a rabbit Hutch to his mums from mine! Now the person we got the hutch from has EXACTLY the same car as John, and well, it fit fine in his car, but johns car... well the rabbit hutch must have grown, he was tellin me to push the hutch in the car but it wouldnt budge. He was going push, I was going I am its not moving, he said... if you cant push a rabbit hutch you'll be crap at pushing out a baby....
I walked off told him he can do it on his own, if he thinks he will be better at pushing out a baby he can... and then I just cried...
Well, there was alot of swearing... and then I wouldnt speak to him...he disapeared and brought back flowers and said sorry!!
John puts me down when something isnt going right, we travel every year to airshows, Every year he gets me doing directions... well he tels me whatt to write down,... anyways, its always my fault we get lost... so every year I tell him to do it but NOOO! LOL...

^^ Sorry!!

its good to vent and its what we are all here for. I hope you get everything sorted out... and I hope he stops being silly and treats you right...
John says he will help! I found myself paying for everything when he is the one with the Job... and he says he has no money, but goes out and buys games.... Sometimes they need a slap!!

:)

xx

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by rccresswell, Oct 04, 2010
Hi all

I know I am a few days late but I thought I would put in my two cents lol.

To be honest I think it is most men that are just emotionless when it comes to pregnancy etc.  My hubby is the best hubby any one would want.  He goes to work, comes home, takes the kids outside and plays with them, comes in cooks dinner, we both tidy up and we both put our kids to bed.

When I miscarried I couldn't understand why he didn't care.  He just got on as if nothing happened.  He said I am sorry but I don't have that connection with the baby like you do because I can't feel it so to me it didn't exist - I know a harsh reality but to him that is how he felt.

With this pregnancy we have only just bought our first thing for this baby which was a bassinette.  I told him about it and I was excited and he was just like oh yeah ok - emotionless.  We were lying in bed and I asked him to feel baby kick and he rolled over reluctantly like he didn't really care so I just took his hand off and rolled the other way - pretty immature I know lol.

I know we have both miscarried so do you think that that could be why he can't connect to this baby.  He might feel as though if he becomes too attached you might lose this one as well.  When my hubby and I were pregnant with our first I don't remember him being too involved even with our first and I don't think he knows when this baby is due either lol.  He just says the beginning of March lol and I'm like well end of Feb and he's like yeah ok.

I think men are going to men.  It's important to talk and maybe he should look at changing jobs if you are unhappy.  

Take care :)  I need a shower before my groceries arrive lol.  I get them delievered between 630 and 930, I hope they come early :)

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by rbohl01, Oct 04, 2010
rccresswell- Its hard to say why I think he is not connected with this pregnancy. It may be because of our previous miscarriage. I am hoping that once we find out the gender next week that this will become a lot more real to him. I really think it will make a difference. He seems to be more attentive to me since this argument. He has touched my tummy abit and stuff like that. We are supposed to go shopping after our ultrasound and have dinner together. Hopefully this will give us a chance to make this baby the "real" deal so to speak.

Thanks again for all of the comments. Sometimes I dont know what I would do if I didnt have you girls here =)

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by Cassandrajane, Oct 04, 2010
Rccresswell:... Has he felt the baby kick before yet or seen the scans?? John didnt connect until he knew the sex... because of our MC...?

Everything is going to be okay.. Men just need a kick up the back side! :)

x

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by natashajay, Oct 05, 2010
oh my gosh fist of all forgive all spelling mistakes as im am sobbing right now.....gosh i am so you right now....David is such hard work he doesn't talk baby hates anyone even mentioning it! this is an example, so yesturday whilst sorting out some maternity clothes i found a blue gift bag, inside was the first vest, babygro, hat and mittens my first 2 children ever wore! i thought id lost it as i had wanted it for my youngest but couldn't find it, nestled in the bottom was a small tape for my dictation machine and on it written firts baby heart beat and sounds fom birth to 8 wks old. so my son was at cubs and at ten had made it quite clear he wasn't intersetd but the girls were so i palyed it to them. anyhow they loved it and lauren loved seeing the first ever outfir she wore. Dave not interested in the slightest just said more baby crap and went downstairs.
i told the other night...i expect you read my juornal that i felt alone unsupported and he said he was in denial. NOw the difference between you and me is that i still have lots of baby gear..heck ive even got a double 3 wheeler buggy from when mike was a toddler and lauren wa a baby! (13 months between them) but he like your hubby works away each week only a day or two but its hard. Lately ive not been lazy just so tired, i don't sleep for more than a few hours each night and onec awake thats it im awake. I have friends but noone nearby and noone who is preggers, so i rely on the MH forum etc for company. ive made some fab friends and they are supportive xx
i have to say though, Dave was like this as your hubby with my first 2 pregnancies, i put it down to worry financilally and the unknown...and we survived! with Jenna Leigh tho, he bought a new pram even tho we didnt need one, he bought a new car seat...again we didn't need one AND he bought one of those baths on the stand with the bit for changing nappies which hides the bath beneath ...id wnated one of those since baby #1 but hed said no but for some reason even tho he kept telling me and everyone who'd listen that this was our last child he went out and came back with the stuff mentioned even tho we didnt need it! so for him to be like this, when we have all the gear and basically don't really have too much to financially pay for is wierd for me to accept, even still he's still distant.
Unlike you im not bothering to text him, h woulodn't relpy he's just switched off wiht any mention of it, and when i read your journal im still crying...oh my gosh i feel for you, i know what your feeling, men DO find it hard every book i have says so, its harder for them cuz they don't feel the baby moving or worry at the slightest thing which we might consider a warning sign, in a way they are helpless to do anything until it arrives, ive just looked over the photos of my birth from my 1st daughter (htre wasnt time with Jenna Leigh) and he has the biggest smile you've ever seeen!!!
all ican say is keep talking to him, tell him especially...and i think this is VERY important...tell him NOT to be sarcastic around friends/family or anyone about the baby or anything, that is hurtful! and tell him when he does something to upset you, just say i don't like what you've siad or i don't like the way yuou said that...thats from my councillor! and most of all if you feel like this again write to us here, or me and don't bottle it up....i am here for you babe and im sending you a great BIG HUG!!!!!!
well done you for sharing xxx

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by rccresswell, Oct 05, 2010
Hello again :)

My husband hasn't felt baby kick I think he felt it once but I'm not sure.  He has been to every scan and he has a smile on his face when he sees baby.  He also came to my 16 week appointment because I was too scared to go alone since we miscarried at 14 weeks.  He comes to as many appointments as he can but in saying that he never talks about baby, touches my tummy or anything like that.

I guess I have learnt that he is not that tyoe of person.  The one thing that pisses me off about him is that it takes him weeks and weeks to tidy up around the house.  One night I asked him to move the couch and he said I will move it tomorrow it's too noisy.  I said I just finished vacumning and didn't move it.  I have also been waiting for my hubby to tidy up the front and back yard.  Well yesterday I got so ****** I went and cleaned it myself.  I swept up all the leaves, and pulled out all the weeds with both kids.  He was inside cooking dinner and he can't even do it after work.  It's not like I sit on my *** all day.  I tidy up the house about 3 times during the day, I bake and look after my kids and I still have energy to do stuff that needs to be done and I am almost 20 weeks pregnant.

Do you have that same problem?????  We renovated our kitchen last Dec and I am still waiting for him to finish the framing around the window.  I started painting our kitchen red about 2 months ago and I am still waiting for that to be done lol.  I started painting around the skirting boards and I am still waiting for him to help.  All of these jobs have been on the to do list since December.  Am I being irrational??????

MEN

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by rbohl01, Oct 06, 2010
rccresswell- My hubby does actually do alot around the house. He does all of our laundry and alot of the up keep. We both work full time out of the house so it never gets too bad except for the laundry. He does spend a great deal of time complaining that I don't do enough around the house. I semi- agree with him but I am tired still quite abit and I still do some things. It is so much easier for me to get things done there when he is not home for some reason. i guess its cause I feel like he is gonna get crabby if I'm not doing enough in front of him or something... Its really annoying let me tell ya.

As far as being a "baby" person... I think my hubby is more of a 2 year old person. He like babies when they start running around. I think he will fall in love with our baby though, I truly do. Its different with other eoples kids and he has none of his own. He has loved my kids from the beginning (they were 1 and a half and 2 and a half) when we were first together. Thats the stage he really likes. I think he will have to learn to love the fragile abby stage though too cause I will definitely need the help.

All around I just think men are frustrating, especially during our pregnancy when we are hyper sensitive to things.

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by rccresswell, Oct 06, 2010
You are so right!!! about men being frustrating.  I think I expect too much of my hubby, probably because I am like a battery I don't stop doing stuff until I am exhausted which is very frustrating while you are pregnant.  I don't blame you for being tired, you work fulltime, you have two children and you you are pregnant.  I'm exhausted everyday and I am at home with 2 children.  I don't remember being this tired when I was working full time and pregnant with my first.  You are lucky your hubby does a lot around the house.  My husband does do a lot but it's the small stuff that make your house a bit more appealing that I would like him to do but he hates it :(

I think all men are the same.  My hubby hates the baby stage lol he loves it when they start running around.  I am sure he will be fine when baby comes.  When I had my son my husband had never changed a nappy before.  When I was in the hospital I had to go and have dinner so the first nappy my hubby ever changed was the meconium poo because everytime I went for dinner he would do a poo just for daddy lol.



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by tecnofreak, Oct 06, 2010
l felt alone and he was pushing me away... he loves you ..its just life is up and down... and who,s knows whats going on in a mans mind ... think its full up of beer football.m8s.sport,news,history,tv,pc,,zzzzz not got room to think rofl   tc

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