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Dad's gone

Aug 23, 2008 02:58AM - 37 comments

This evening about 9:15 I got a call from the hospice house and the nurse said my Dad was breathing funny and wasn't responsive. She thought he might be nearing the end. I told her I'd call my Mom and we'd head over to her house since we have to pick her up anyway. Within minutes the phone rang again and the hospice nurse was in tears and was sorry to tell my my Dad had passed away. She was surprised. She said just an hour before he was alert, talking to her and took his medicine with no trouble. She checked on him an hour later and that's when she noticed he was breathing differently and called us. Within minutes he was gone.

We went over to pick up my Mom and I had to break the news to her. She was upset. All she could say was, "He wanted to die at home. I promised him." It is hard to think about that. Today we were all over there at the hospice house and were telling him how we were getting everything ready for him to come home tomorrow. He kept saying, "home, home." When we left he raised both hands like a child and waved bye-bye to us. Those are the things that stick with me now. I know he was happy with the idea of coming home and he had that to look forward to but his body just didn't hang on long enough.

Do I feel some guilt at sending him to the hospice house for those few days? Absolutely. But after my Mom's trip to the hospital that one night, he agreed that it might be a good idea because he knew we were getting tired and he kept apologizing. We wanted to care for him but were beginning to doubt our own ability to do it well. I know we tried our best but I wish we could have done more. His time was so short, just 3 weeks from the diagnosis from the oncologist.

So that is the news. Where we go from here, I don't know yet. I've never done this before and I have a lot to learn. Mostly, I miss my Dad.

Irene

Comments
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by swampcritter, Aug 23, 2008 04:34AM
Condolences.

Losing your dad is a hard thing. It does sound though, that although you weren't there when he passed, you did spend some really important time with him the last few days.



by lagoya, Aug 23, 2008 06:26AM
hi
i am really sorry to read that and send my thoughts and prayers to u and your family -i know from reading your past few jpurnals that u have been very caring about your parents .i send you my condolences and look after yourself in this time

by snoozies43, Aug 23, 2008 06:39AM
My regards,

Know that by your post, that you did well by him. You were able to spend some precious moments with him. He knows that :O). Sometimes we are given just what we can handle.

Take care of you.

by dawnlyn, Aug 23, 2008 07:15AM
Irene,

I am so sorry, I extend my deepest sympathies to you and yours.  I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care,
Dawnlyn

by lvfrogs, Aug 23, 2008 07:25AM
Irene,
I am so sorry to hear this.I know your emotions will be all over the place.  It is so very hard to let go with someone that you love. You were there for him (and your mom) the entire time and I am sure that he left this world knowing how much he was loved.  I will be keeping you and your family in my prayers.  Take care, Colleen

by Porter114, Aug 23, 2008 07:30AM
So sorry for your lose.  I have been through this and can offer this... your strength will come from the power of knowing that you were loved deeply and that you loved back.  You and your family have something very special, eachother.  Each day we have is a gift and not used it is wasted.  Continue to share your love and joy will replace sorrow.  Give yourself peace in knowing he new he was going "home".  Remember to breath, long slow breaths and allow yourself quite moments when you need them.   Blessings to you and yours.

by TrudieC, Aug 23, 2008 07:59AM
Irene, I am so sorry to hear.  He knew he was loved and you were there for him in so many ways.  He is at peace.  Celebrate his life and cherish the memories.  I'll be thinking of you and our Mom.

Hugs, Trudie

by vallieanne, Aug 23, 2008 08:24AM
Irene,
I am so very sorry to hear of your loss today, I know how much you loved your Dad. You have done so much to be able to make his final days as comfortable and peaceful as you possibly could. His suffering is over now, and it's time for you and your family to share in your sorrows while remembering the joy he brought to your lives.
Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers today and in the coming days,
Hugs
Valerie
I sent you a message.

by Jan214, Aug 23, 2008 08:47AM
Dear Irene,

I love you and I am so very sorry.  Sending you an email.
Love,
Jan

by bohan54, Aug 23, 2008 09:05AM
Peace be with you and your family at this most difficult time.  
Sharon

by gma718, Aug 23, 2008 09:10AM
Dear Irene, I am so sorry for your loss...May you find comfort in knowing that he is at peace and is resting comfortably. Please know that my prayers are with you and your family...Gia

by Momto3, Aug 23, 2008 09:20AM
Irene,

I'm sorry I didn't see your message sooner.  Cyber hugs are on their way!

As for having your Dad stay under Hospice care, rest easy knowing that you have done your very best.  I have absolutely no doubt that he knows you have done everything to make his life memorable and dignified.  He knows.  My FIL also wanted to go home.....and I often wonder if he truly meant his eternal "home."  Your Dad will be in your life forever...He will still listen to you; he will watch over you; and he will always know you love him.

by Lafnatitall, Aug 23, 2008 09:43AM
I understand your feelings of guilt over whether or not you made the right decision to have hospice care for your father.  Evidently, because of the tearful reaction from the nurse when she broke the newsw to you regarding your father, he was well taken care of and well thought of.  Take comfort in your many memories of your dad...and know you are a great daughter...know that he will be by your side as quickly as a thought.  Well done.

Rhonda

by marie3B, Aug 23, 2008 09:52AM
I am sorry.  I know you will comfort your mother and I pray you both find comfort and peace.  Marie

by lilypad300, Aug 23, 2008 10:00AM
No bond is as great as that between a parent and child. My deepest condolences are with you as you grieve.

by KD9ER, Aug 23, 2008 10:25AM
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family right now.  

by Jaybay, Aug 23, 2008 10:40AM
I am so very sorry for you and your family.  My dad died the same way your dad went: in hospice and wanting to die at home.  During his last 5 months he had so many tubes supporting his nutrition and elimination that we simply couldn't provide the 24/7 care needed to keep him clean and comfortable.  What a difference when we finally got him into hospice care.  Those people are nothing short of angels in my book.

Where you go from here is a tough question for everyone in this situation.  I was the one who had to make all the funeral arrangements and pick out a burial plot and the casket and find a pastor and blah blah blah.  Mom couldn't handle it and neither could my other siblings.  Hardest thing I ever had to do, but at the same time I'm glad I could do it.  It's going to be at least a year of remembering weird anniversaries like the day your dad got sick, or went in the hospital.  Those things kicked me out of the blue.  That's exactly what it felt like: a foot right in the breadbasket.  Give yourself time to mourn and time to heal.  Time really is the only answer to these kinds of losses.  :-)

by Me967, Aug 23, 2008 11:22AM
Irene,   I feel sooo much for you and your mom and your husband too.  You showed your love in so very many ways and from reading your post I bet you still are showing that same love in a different way though now.  Please don't feel guilty about the couple of days there.  It is human nature to beat ourselves up with the what ifs.  Try remembering the days of your dad standing proud and strong and his love that you shared.   I bet he's looking down from above filled with nothing but love.  I'm sorry I really don't know what all to say.  I know you must just be so numb today.   It will take time for the pain to heal now.  Please take care of yourself.  I wish I could say the right thing to you now or give you a hug or a shoulder somehow.   I'm usually checking the computer so If you ever what to chat I'll be around.   {{{{{{{hugs and prayers to you and your family}}}}}}} .... Amy

by dai3symae, Aug 23, 2008 12:00PM
Irene...I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved father.  My father and I were estranged for many years...he died last February.  I hope that you will find comfort in your memories of your father without any cloud of guilt over his last few days.  You will be in my prayers.

Sandy

by brettswife, Aug 23, 2008 12:39PM
You have my deepest sympathy.....


by Sandymac, Aug 23, 2008 12:51PM
Irene, please know how sorry I am to hear your news.. It's so hard! And , our experience was much the same-- we had visited with my dad ..The next morning we got a call  to come quickly as he was not expected to make it .. by the time we arrived, he was gone. I still feel guilty sometimes for not being there.. but at the time, we felt we were doing the right thing-- giving him some much needed rest, etc. It just is never easy !!! The same thing happened with my mother.. and a friend told me that no matter how old you are, you still feel like an orphan. How true..

It sounds like you were a wonderful daughter.. Please accept my deepest sympathies.

Love, Sandy

by Sharon2714, Aug 23, 2008 12:59PM
God bless u irene .. u are a beautiful and dutiful daughter who loves her parents dearly ... i pray the lord heal the emptiness in ur heart and fill u with the memories of the time u shared together
love
sharon

by vegas2cr, Aug 23, 2008 01:41PM
Sending you love in this your time of sorrow... I also pray that you and your Mom will find light in this your time of darkness.  Love Ronni

by Sue357, Aug 23, 2008 03:28PM
So very sorry about your dad.  My condolences to you and yours.  God bless  Sue

by msjazz, Aug 23, 2008 04:19PM
I am so sorry for your loss, I know you did everything possible, and it is good he is at peace now. I will be praying for you and you family. Love Donna

by Mary 53, Aug 23, 2008 04:24PM
Irene, I am so sorry for your loss.

Love, Mary

by crecco, Aug 23, 2008 04:53PM
Irene,
   I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Please do not feel guilty. Your dad had a very loving and caring family and you did what you felt was best for him. You and your family are in my prayers and have my deepest sympathy.
  Love Chris

by ChrisP2236, Aug 23, 2008 05:09PM
Irene,
You have my deepest sympathy.  You are a wonderful daughter and that does not end.  Your dad knew you loved him and cared for him, and I know he was comforted that you will be there for your mom through this too, as you were in his illness.  This will be a difficult time for you but you will get through it. You have our prayers and support.  Hugs, Chris P

by BLM_56, Aug 23, 2008 05:31PM
I know that nothing any of us says can help the pain.  You had to balance a lot of competing/conflicting factors and you made the best decision you could.  Small comfort, I know, but all we can do is our best at the time.  I lost my Dad a year ago June 16th.  He had had a series of strokes and we had moved him to a nursing facility only a week before.  I flew 600 miles to spend a few days with him before he went down hill any further.  I'm not even sure he knew I was there.  After his 2nd (3rd?) stroke it looked to me like his head really was not in the game any more.  Anyhow I saw him and made arrangements for his care.  I left him in the capable hands of my son - his favorite grandchild.  He spent his last 2 years with my son and grandchildren.  

I can tell you that the pain lessens with time.  I can also tell you that you are likely to continue second-guessing yourself for a long time.  Good, decent, honorable people do that.  Worthless people do not.  Your expressed guilt and the hint of monday-morning-quarterbacking I saw in your post guarantees you are in the first group.  Love and support your Mom while you have her.  No matter how much she gets on your nerves (and we ALL get on one another's nerves from time to time) you will miss her when she is gone.  Some days I miss my folks more than I can express.  But I cherish my memories of them.  Do cherish yours.  For my money the only thing that makes life worth living is the people we meet in our journey.  Our parents are the first ones we meet.  Whatever their faults we love them.  Cheirsh them and your memories of your Dad.

I wish I could hug you.  I have a feeling I know how you feel.  I lost my Mother and baby brother in 4 1/2 days and my Father 3 years later.  In the interim between my Mother's passing and my Father's my wife's Mother was diagnosed with cancer and died - 7 months before my Dad.  Between the two of us my wife and I have one living parent.  

Know that we hurt with and for you.  It doesn't lessen the pain but hopefully it will make it just a bit more nearly bearable.

Best wishes,
Bionic Bill
Cyborg at Large

by mabebesc, Aug 23, 2008 07:09PM
Irene,

Please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your Dad.  I'll be thinking of you and your family. If you need anything, I'm here.
Betty

by silver&gold, Aug 23, 2008 08:53PM
Irene ,

Im so sorry for your loss , you were a dedicated daughter and your Dad is now at peace .

Prayers to you and your family

Love Angie

by PinkTissue, Aug 23, 2008 10:43PM
I am really sorry to hear about the passing of your dad. Please take care of youself. I am sure your dad is painfree and looking fondly at you now.

by hatgal, Aug 24, 2008 11:35PM
I am so sorry; I cannot imagine the pain, but will most likely experience it someday soon.  He is at peace and when he said he wanted to go "home" possibly he meant that great big home called "heaven"?  So rest assured, you did all you could, it was his time, probably not yours for him, as I cannot, again, imagine the pain that brings.  Please take care of yourself and God be with you through this most difficult of times for you and your family.  Most Sincere Condolences.......