Oct 12, 2010
I have relapsed again. Everything was going so well. I had started college and I finally felt like my life had structure to it and that I had a plan and I was so confident that I was going to do it.
But then one day a couple of weeks ago, I got offered some valium and took them thinking that they would just chill me out. In hindsight, I knew that all they were going to do was ruin everything just like they always do :( So then because I was out of my mind on valium, I used the money that I needed for college to buy lots and lots of heroin. So I basically dropped out - even though I think I would have been kicked out because it had been explained to us at the start of the course that if you miss days and don't have a good reason for being off, your money will get stopped straight away and you may be asked to leave the course. Because I had spent the money on heroin, that meant that there was no way that I could get to college (it's in a different city) and it costs quite alot a day to get there. There was no way that I could find the money to get there. What an idiot. I had known for 6 months that I was going to college and I was all prepared and I was so positive and excited and I just wanted to do really well and make my mum proud and myself. Show myself that I could do something and follow it through to the end. Mucked up big time.
Also I didn't go and pick up my suboxone script for a week and a half because I was so out of my head, I just forgot. I think there must have been a point where I remembered but I didn't care because I had heroin so I didn't need the suboxone. I have big memory gaps - oh the wonders of valium!! So my script got stopped.
So at the moment I have nothing. Nothing at all. So I am having to use heroin everyday, just to feel human. I am using as little as I can.
I have spoken to my drugs counsellor who is going to get me back on suboxone as soon as she can but she said that I could try methadone because I have mucked up my suboxone script twice now. But that's because for some stupid reason, I decided to take valium. But I think that I am going to stick to suboxone. I will have to be put on a higher dose now. It is so annoying because I was down to 2mg a day.
So that's where I am right now. Feel so annoyed with myself. I feel like sometimes, someone comes and takes over my body for a couple of weeks and just acts like a complete and utter idiot. Then I come back and have to pick up the pieces.
I am starting again. Going to try and be positive and kick this demon to the kirb once and for all this time.