Nov 08, 2010
Here I sit once again, can't function have no quality of life and getting worse everyday. I remember when I could do all the normal things that other people could do, housework, work , spend time out doing things with my family. Now though I can hardly make it out of bed in the morning and actually don't care if I do. If I have to indure this BS for much longer I won't be here to have to worry about it. I have had all I can stand and don't want to do this anymore with no end in sight, seems like every time I think help is coming it seems to be just beyond my finger tips and then it just fades away. I lost my insurance in July which eliminated any possibility to be able to get back to the one group of people that can help me get back to normal. I am mentally worn out and don't have to much left in me to deal with this BS, some days death would be a step up and it's looking better and better everyday. I try to be as normal as I can around my loved ones but it is getting harder and harder to answer the question of "how are you today" I keep saying okay, but I know better I'm not okay, I am way far away from okay and I am begining to think that if something dosen't give soon then I will. I love my family and that is the only reason I am still here I think, but that love is getting to the point where I fear it won't be enough anymore. I have never, ever felt this way in my entire life and it all stems from the raging pain I have in my back on a daily basis. I feel all is lost and not solution is ever going to come, I wish I thought other wise but I am a realist and I can see what direction this is all going in. I only hope the help I need comes in time, because if it dosen't then I fear the end will. I would much rather be dead than to have to deal with this on a daily basis with no end in sight. I have fallen into a depression that is getting deeper and deeper everyday, I have a wonderful girlfriend who would do anything for me to take away my pain but she has never had to deal with a chronic pain sufferer. She dosen't deserve to have to go through this on a regular basis because of me and would be better off if things don't change for me not to be here. She deserves way better than a boyfriend that is well on his way to being a major burden in her life. I don't know what to do to help the situation, every avenue I have explored has led to a dead end and I a begining to think that the end is near.