Nov 10, 2010
i swear if i ever meet god, i'm going to punch him in the face.
I had a breakdown today. The demons and rats in my brain fought in war, and my mind gave way to a torrential shut down.
Well atleast I didn’t try and kill something alive like in the past…
I had a bad day. And the last time I had a bad day, was 2 months ago.
A year ago… I had one good day… every 2 months. I’ve come a long way, atleast that’s a positive.
Everything seemed catastrophic. Extreme, just like every time I have been there, and I was too blinded by hate and overwhelmed to remember I have been there before.
Well, positive thought work didn’t work too well today. The barrier was too solid, and my negative self was too stubborn and would do anything to feel bad.
Today I examined the strangeness of the world again.
Mainly society, how impracticable it is to live. You have to pay to stay alive in every way; you even have to pay to die.
But we are people; we have to eat to be healthy, and eating the healthy ways costs more than a couple thousand a month, hardly anyone can afford that.
I’ve been working on positive thought work, and trying to find gratefulness. I don’t give a **** about proving if it works or not, because it has helped me substantially.
With my Borderline Personality Disorder, every tiny obstacle would bring the end of the world. It was sort of like, me dropping something, then me crying and screaming like a banshee, mutilating my arms with a shaving razor blade, the sun would look like rain, and every single thing would look negative, until it all piled up and I would result in a suicide attempt, but not before getting my family in on it to terrorize them a bit.
But now I have learned the skill of moving on from obstacles. Not letting things ruin the next three days. The first time I used this skill was a huge awakening to me.
I had been learning about positive thought work prior to the incident.
I let it bring me down for three whole days, in which more and more horrible things happened to me, because I was a **** magnet.
Then someone said to me, “oh, well that was ******, why don’t you just forget about it and move on?”
Of course I exploded in their face and yelled, “FUCK YOU You unsympathetic
***** I CANT JUST FORGET ABOUT THAT!”
And then I calmed myself, because I had taken a vow to work on my hostility and rudeness of my Anti social personality disorder, and to listen to peoples opinions. I began to think to myself, what was the point in brooding on it?
Right after that, I rapidly moved up to step 4 of my 12 step program for AA. I moved through it quickly, and with my new skill, I LET GO of everything, every single resentment, every person on my victim list, and by the time I completed it, it felt like a huge anchor was removed from me. The only thing I could not let go of was my eating disorder. But even with that I was working on positive affirmations to correct my body image.
I was walking around feeling high, without drugs. I then realized that amazing high feeling, was true happiness. The first time in my life I had glimpsed it without alchohol.
My journey to gratefulness was hindered. Today my self-pity of poverty exploded.
Suicide rates are going up as the economy deflates like a pitiful balloon. Because no one has the money to buy the new Ipod Nano, let alone its better brother.
I can easily imagine rich people who are used to abundance chopping their heads off.
But what about the poor people? I always thought, poor people would be unaffected, because they know how to be happy, ******* happy and grateful with nothing.
Homeless Bob has pride in nothing.
All I ever think about is what I don’t have. Well at times, the petty things like lip gloss, fills this dark, dank empty void.
I can accept I have to pay to eat, pay to sleep, pay to ****, pay to stay alive, pay to die. It does not make sense to pay for the things I need for my body to work properly, or to pay for my mind to function, or to pay for clothes and shelter to keep from hypothermia, but I can sort of accept it in a way of coming to terms with the ****** upness of the world. I mean I guess I don’t NEED stylish clothes, but I think I damn well need clothes, because there is a law against being nude.
And the only way you can walk into stores to get something to eat is if you have shoes on and a shirt.
What I cannot accept truly is paying for survival and that not being good enough.
Life in this world is not made for just sitting under a shelter, eating, sleeping and ********. You are not allowed to do nothing. The world makes sure of it. Yes, it makes sure you are forced to go out into the world and buy more things.
For decent healthy people, life can be easy to buy. But when you don’t have health, you have to buy it and buy your life. I think the aspect of buying health and saving your life with money confuses me the most.
The way I see it, this ****** up world is made out of goals, and every goal costs more money. Because you can’t go anywhere in life without having goals, and you can’t get to your goals without forking out mullah.
If you want to be happy and fulfill goals, you need more money. Why can’t twiddling a stick make us happy, because that is free. Better yet, why can’t we learn to be grateful, and be happy with nothing?
The world makes sure we will never be grateful and always need and want more.
In order to live, I need to pay to learn, so I can find a job, so I can get more money for necessary survival. For most people the end result of getting a job can lead to more finance and abundance in their lives. But what about the people who can’t work? And what happens if you cannot afford education in the first place?
If ONE tiny mishap happens, in the important life journey to getting money, you are dead, almost dead, or killing yourself. There are obvious ways that you can die, such as not being able to afford shelter.
The main way that you can die without enough money is disregarded in this world because society and media already disregards it in other ways. That is food.
Chances are you can be highly rich, and still killing yourself and on the way to a deathbed, surviving on unhealthy foods that are killing you. That is what this world plans.
I guess you hear all the time, talk about how fast food is unhealthy, but I don’t think people understand the importance of how unhealthy it truly is. You only come to realize how important food is, when you are in my shoes.
Well I am a highly dysfunctional mental patient, with Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa, an addiction to physical activity, an overly addictive personality in general, thus no concept of how to maintain a healthy everyday balance, and much more so stay tuned.
I managed to stay alive for 22 years living in poverty, so that is a positive. But the end result is I am ******* insane. The only reason why my chemical imbalances are the way they are, is lack of nutrition.
What I am saying, is, the malnutrition I inflicted upon myself through having eating disorders for 11 years led to horrendous mental health problems and horrible physical ailments. I am saying my mental illnesses are caused by lack of nutrition.
Most mental problems are caused by lack of nutrition. Think about all those toxins, and poisons you are sending to your brain through food. It’s not going to make you sane overtime.
Even when I was anorexic, I used to think people who read labels on food were ****** up. But then I learned the truth that food is what poisons us, diseases us, makes us sick.
It is scary, knowing that, even in my town, where they don’t put fluoride in the water, they still have it in all of the bottled waters. Sure, there is just a small amount of fluoride, a small amount of chlorine, but considering how much water you are supposed to drink, you are ******* killing yourself in a painfully slow way that is toxic. Then, add all the poisons and chemicals in the food you eat, no wonder you have cancer, or tumors or whatever.
It seems, in my eyes, that this world plans to annihilate us all by making us sick and die, or become crazy. Yes… and by the time we are pronounced insane by ingesting their poison, they give us more poison in their pills to make us worse.
And of course the most unhealthy foods are the cheapest.
The organic kinds without toxins and death are very expensive, let alone hard to find.
When I am on a healthy meal plan, with the proper nutrients, I am free of mental illness. But of course, I cannot afford to be on a proper meal plan like that!
The harsh reality, is that we should be spending at least a thousand dollars on just food, for one month, but no one can afford that. I guess you could go the cheap way of growing your own food, but who the hell has the time in this world to do such a thing. I am considering it for next summer, but for now, I have to starve to death I guess.
If you are trying to regain your health, you will need to spend a couple thousand a month on food and nutrients, probably more.
After eleven years of disordered eating, I am reintroducing food, all thanks to positive thinking, the law of attraction and quantum physics.
But unfortunately the law of attraction is not making me a ******* billionare yet.
I am not too fond of becoming rich quite yet, because I first need to figure out what I need.
I don’t want to want things. I want to be grateful with what I have.
After knowing I have to pay for basic necessity NEEDS to stay alive, I am starting to believe I need to pay for things I don’t need.
As my goals of life go up more and more, the more things I need to buy in order to fulfill them.
I used to want a tent somewhere in the woods, and that was my biggest dream. It was the biggest dream, because I knew it was what my heart desired.
Now I want a ******* hot tub.
Well I have many mental diseases, so I think it becomes confusing for me, to sort out what I want, between what I need. But I do know, that living alone for awhile, I have learned how harsh the money system really is.
At times I live my life with a moral of those two things should be entwined.
Why the hell would I devote myself to living a life, doing things I do not want to do. I can barely motivate myself to do things I enjoy. I totally disagree, with those bastards who say, “you have to do things you don’t want to do”.
You don’t HAVE to, but the ****** up thing about this world is, if you want to be able to eat, you do.
But now, as an adolescent on my way to adulthood, independence, responsibility and shiny things… I would rather die.
Well I was born in poverty, born with nothing, and always used to be grateful.
To recover, I need to be a billionaire.