Nov 14, 2010
I really hate winter. November through March has to be the worst time of year for me. I figured out my parents wanted a divorce right before Thanksgiving, and my mom, my brother, and me moved out right after new years... I just really hate the holidays.
It was also two years ago today that I met my abusive boyfriend, John. He hit me, he was emotionally abusive, and he blamed his alcoholism on me.
My cousin Megan is coming up next weekend, which is good.
What's not good is that it reminds me of the time she hooked with Dan, the first person I willingly slept with, two days after I slept with him. Dan ended raping me.
I cut my left arm today really badly with a razor blade. I want to do more, believe it or not. I haven't done it this badly for a long time, and I want more. It felt so good, and I slept so well right afterwards. It really is an addiction. Even more so than smoking. Smoking calms me down, but cutting... cutting makes me melt away. It makes me not me anymore. It makes me someone else, someone who can sleep, and who can be happy, if only for a little while.
Now, how do I explain this to my therapist, and how do I keep the guilt down when my grandmother sees my arm?