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DEPRESSED & WANT TO DISAPPEAR

Dec 09, 2010 - 1 comments
Tags:

addiction recovery tracker

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Depression

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Heart

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problem

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L-TYROSINE

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5-HTP

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xanax

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Suboxone

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suboxone treatment

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oxycontin addiction

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Oxycontin

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love & anger

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Love hurts

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NEED A BLESSING

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karma



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My Woman and I have been together for 17 years. For the last 10 years, we have had a hard, bumpy ride. I used to blame her for me being addicted to drugs, as she enabled me. But, she thought she was helping me. Little did she know that she would become my enemy when I was cold turkey. KNOWING she had Vicodin in her purse that I wanted, I acted like I was the most miserable, untolerable piece of crap until she would either give me some of her pills (which she literally needs to this day for SERIOUS pain) or give me back the money I had given her to pay bills/ mortgage, just so I could go get my fix and "feel" better and "act" better and be "happy" and "BEHAVE" myself. I literally would not go out into public without my oxy fix. I would call off work or go in late. I would lose my job. I've been caught in this vicious circle now for 10 years.

Ten years ago, She was set to leave me and I was suspicious. Somehow, she got pregnant and I started shooting up heroin for about a Month or a little less. One day, while she was pregnant, I went to our basement to hit my heroin and found my rubber jar opener cut to pieces, I knew she found out. She suspected and found my stash of needles... I felt like a baby. Embarrassed, ASHAMED and in denial.
She stayed with me off and on just for security reasons, or to take care of the kids, who knows?
But, I decided to roll into a Methadone program and get help. Her Father scrutinized me and said it was still a "drug" and that sticks in my head till this very DAY.

Now, My woman and 3 kids have not lived together for 3 years come February. Her Mother passed away and that's when my LIFE spiraled even more out of control. I love this girl so much. Her life was spiraling from grief, her Family hated me, I was not allowed to tend any of her Families grief, I was outside the circle and I felt banished. I stayed in treatment, but turned to rage and extra methadone from the street mixed with xanax.  I'm kinda still there now.

I'm grieving over the loss of my Family, lack of money, losing my house (after she abandoned it to move in with her Father just prior to her death), losing my sanity at times and FAKING my happiness in front of all of those HAPPY faces at the Mall or in their Shops.

I go look for a job? And "pretend, "act" positive because my state of affairs is whack. My dream was to be with this woman, drive down the same road till the day we die. And I've tried everthing... self help, tantric massage, positive living, "ask and it is given" type of stuff... I'm consumed by negative people... I wish I could just not exist.

You hear people say, "it gets better dude". NO IT DON'T. Money makes ALL "problems" go away. You can buy the best rehab, buy the security your Woman desires, buy your way out of anything, because EVERYTHING has a price! And if you are at the bottom of the bucket like I am right now, YOU PAY WITH YOUR HEART. "Instant Karma's gonna get ya. Bite right on the head" as John Lennon said.

ON another note, it's nearly Christmas, My Woman (I should probably for the 1st time ever refer to her as my ex or my children's Mother), she has told me several times from the middle of last month (the day I started keeping track on this site) up til the present day that she is "through". Through with all the sh*te, the lies, and blames me for her own depression. You guys, if any of you read this know absolutely NOTHING about her, but I'll tell you, I tried to make this work for the past 10 years and I'm an emotional mess. A FAMILY is united, not divided. A Family suffers together and solves problems together. <side note* if she seen that last sentence, she say I was trying to make her feel "guilty" and shift the blame on her" *end note.  This is one tiny, tiny vicious circle.

TODAY, I quit taking Xanax and Valium. I'm completely tired of them. If you've read any of my earlier journal logs, you's know I use to love them. I f*kking HATE them now. Yesterday, was my last 1 mg football, I usually take those bars and that's how I've tracked my use on this site was with those bars. I went to GNC yesterday. I bought a bottle of L-Tyrosine (500mg) and a bottle of 5-HTP (100mg). The L-Tyrosine was $9.99 and the 5-HTP was $17.99 and I take 8 L-Tyrosine daily and 2 5-HTP daily, so these bottles will only last for 15 days. Tomorrow morning, I'll start on my Vitamin B-12 (if I have any) and my Multi-vitamin.  I know the L-Tyrosine works. The 5-HTP, I'm not so sure, I had it once before, last December in fact and did not buy another bottle after the 15 days because I couldn't afford it. By that time I was selling off all my tradesman tools on Craig's list to get my Kids their Christmas list wishes. As for Christmas wish lists this year goes... it's looking so bleak at this present moment that my eyes are balling up with tears as I type. OH GOD.......... THE MISERY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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by rafa111, Apr 03, 2011
hello, please dont do not do anything stupid. I know what you are going through, I am in the same situiation as you are in. Just hang in there and I promise you that things will only get better.

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