Dec 27, 2010
I am really fragile at the moment.like not just mood-wise, my actual grasp on reality. I'm embarrassed you saw me like that last night.
So as best I can remember, I was on the phone to nicole, and it was okay until I like heard about wards. not her fault, mine. its something I think about alot, and I really do need to think about. anyway that triggered me, and I started freaking out and hyperventilating baddd. when she found out she got me to do the breathing thing, which really really helped and I was good again. but soon after (maybe 4/5 minutes) it happened again, but this time worse. i just started crying, though she couldn't hear it. I dont remember what triggered it. I was freaking the f*ck out, so bad. when she realised she was trying to be reassuring, and I was keeping her in the loop. please don't take this next bit the wrong way.
she kept trying to be more chirpy and distracting to kind of take my mind back to positive, but with the dissociation and paranoia i literally thought she was just f*cking with my head. really. i remember every sound she made hurting, it felt like she was taking scissors and snipping all the cables in my head. it was terrible. i even asked her if she was just f*cking with me. at times i thought she was actually a demon. of course she wasn't but i didn't believe her at that stage. literally, when she was speaking like that, i was crying and screaming into my teddy's head to muffle it. IT'S NOT HER FAULT. WOULD HAVE HAPPENED WITH ANYONE, AND WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN SAFE WITHOUT ANYONE.
kept lapsing in and out of these little episodes, and keeping her posted. i remember when she mentioned the breathing thing, in my head I thought the reason she did was because she learnt it in SS and she wanted me to remember that, think about wards and be triggered. seemed perfectly reasonable at the time.
i did have periods of lucidity when i was totally fine and acknowledged that my meds were good for me. we discussed control, and my warped perception of it. i feel in control when i can ultimately take control of my existence. it calms me.
she was great the whole time, and at one stage when we were discussing how it happens every night, though usually when i try and sleep she remarked that she was happy to talk with me at this time every night, to help. that meant so damn much.
she had to go to the gym after talking for an hour and a half, and suggested i speak with sasha, to stay occupied and safe. i did, and it helped a lot, only happened again once, and we nipped it in the bud.
i hope tonight is better, i know it won't be, i don't understand it.
i am in two minds (irony recognised, though not intended) as to whether to even speak to a psych about this. it scares me a lot bit. and it's really embarassing.
i think my meds are like restricting the amount of time that it happens for. i imagine if i wasnt taking them, it would happen for hours. which when its happening, i wish would happen. then i could detach completely. but i realise its really bad.
i really don't want to keep crumbling! why is this happening?!
"one hand, clapping - awake but napping"