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Jan 06, 2011 - 7 comments
Tags:

Agoraphobia

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Anxtiety

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Panic Disorder

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Cancer

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Melanoma

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end-stage

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stage 4

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Addiction



OK for those of you that have just tuned in here is the deal. I am a 45 Year old Mother of 5 kids. And this is my 3rd battle with Melanoma Skin Cancer and this time they can't take it out. And for those of you that don't know this but all Cancer is not the same and Melanoma is really bad. SO anyway enough of that..So I'm stage 4 and along with all that crap if you read back in my Journals I have 2 gilrs my oldest Children that are not speaking to me at this time. Long story   but I did see my daughter that has the our only Grand Baby and the baby is outstanding, but I will be honest with you it was not like we both hoped. My husband and I, it was like meeting a friend and her baby. I know I know i'm not dumb this might change but it might not either. So lets face the facts, when you burn a bridge too often it is darn right gone and can't be fixed and I don't know if that is what is happening with me and my girls, but I do know that it will take a Big thing to change things for me and Daughter number 2
along with that...My boys and Most of all my step son has told my husband and I that we can move in with him and his new wife because the Insurance was not paying for my Treatment..So threw all this Ups and downs , Let me add here that there is Only one treatment out there that I can do that gives me a 7 to 10 out a 100 people will it help..so they found a study group that I fit into that might give me a bit more time.
so this is what I have to think about...If I do Nothing..take No Chemo I will pass in a Year...If I take One of the treatments One they can say will give me about 2 years and then the other maybe 4 but I also have to look at what I am going to feel like during this and all that sort of stuff. I have the paper work on the Trial Study and I will read that again and I have a Couple of sites I can read on the IL2 and see which one is the best one. The trial Study I have to get in on as soon as I can. I am not going to let the Doctors make up my mind I'm not going to do what I think is write..
Now Please I know you don't know me but I am no Chicken ****..I watched my own Mother pass I Mean she took her last breath and it was the Death Rattle. Then I watched my Oldest sister pass as she closed her eyes with a look I have not forgotten. I also know that if I can get my Mind to Know I can live longer then what the Doctors say. I will also Look into a alternative way of treatment along with doing Chemo. I will start working Out again. Now that you understand that I'm Not dumb..That I know what I have to do...Along with that...Understand that this is Freaking Messed Up and I'm not Happy at the Moment.and I can't just make myself think Oh well Great I get at least 4 years or so..They said they can't say 5 or 6 because that's a bit out there..So what I'm looking at 4...well if you were told today that you might make it four more years. Well what would you do? Would You be Smiling and saying Whoot...I got 4 more. Cause I'm 45 and I was thinking 40 years myself..I thought I might live to the Age of 85 on a Swing on the Front Porch as My Husband and I sit and watch the Grass Grow..


But I need to make myself change the way I look at each one of these stones I walk on. I need to know that the ones I love and Love me back our in my corner. I need to make my plans and get on with my life. I will do each step as I see fit and I will do what I have to get myself as far as I can in this life and the truth be told it is not up to me how long I live and I know that. I can eat better , I can start working out and I will do One treatment and work hard at Keeping myself as up beat as I can this time and if that does not work then I will try the other. With each thing I will see how my life is going at the time and these things are subject to change. You see I have to lay it out there I have to look at it up and down and side ways to know whats what and no matter how Crappy things are looking I will get it worked out for my self and I will move on and not dwell to long in this Low Valley that I have crossed my legs and I'm sitting for a bit.

But Please Understand that I know whats before me, I know that I have to have a good out look but please understand that I also need to be able to be down. I need to be able to say this Freaking *****...This Bites , I hate life sometimes..
I would Love to just toss my hands up and Say No More..and I have not started this Race Yet..But You know I won't do that. I have a Son that will be 15 this Feb. 27 and I have 4 other Children and One Grand baby and 2 others I call mine, So with all those Children alone you can Guess I have to stay.
And for Real I have 1 kid left at home my youngest Son and I don't want to go before I see him to the age of 18, I don't think that is too much to ask. I would be grateful to have that. In that time I want to live my life oh and trust me do I know how dumb that sounds but Come on those of you who have had Cancer and made it threw the Chemo and are Cancer free right now..You know what I mean. You know that you have felt the need to live you life to the fullest. But time passes and you soon forget what it was all about and you fall into the rut you were in before and not living your life to the fullest or that you are doing or living life like you would or thought you would.
So Now that I'm looking down the barrel of the Gun and I see the Bullet..Oh Crap...
Well this time I need to Change up the Game So to speak, I need to do a couple of things different. I can't just sit back and think that if I eat different that it will fix this, I can't think if I start to work out daily that this will just go away. I can't think that the chemo will make me all better. I have to know that all those things together and a Freaking Positive attitude and Living Life to its fullest being True to myself , be with the ones that love me and stop thinking that I will do that one of these days start doing those things. Stop thinking it won't happen to you. Because even at beating Cancer 2 times I still took things for granted..I can be honest with you and tell you when I got off Chemo in the Month of March 2010 and Summer hit I knew my Cancer was back and I knew I better start living my life...And each day I felt rushed...Rushed Rushed Rushed because each day was a Tick off a day in my life..and what did I do that day that mattered ...what did I do that day that I felt good about? So as I was trying to work out the Ticking going on in my own head they did a C.A.T. Scan on me and found my Cancer had Come back and this time there is No taking it out.
Well Thanks for reading I will be around for the Next few days getting People wrote back and working on some Paintings and Reading and having Prayer time...and then on the computer and then I want to get this site and Facebook all up to date and then I need everyone to understand I want to keep this site but it might take me time to get back to you. I don't mean to be rude I just can only do so much each day and along with that I don't want to spend all my time on the computer. Is that rude? I sure don't mean it that way. So to let you know I will check this site and My Facebook more often then my Gmail...Thanks for reading Everyone...Big Loves and Hugs...XOXO Rhea  

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by sjf77, Jan 06, 2011
Girl, you are a fighter... Go show that cancer who's boss!! I am ROOTING FOR YOU!!!

Much love, my friend.
Stacey :)

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by ladyrhea4, Jan 06, 2011
Oh thank You sweet heart..It is just time to put it out there and start moving on..oh you know as well as me this does not mean that I won't scream and Yell sometimes but Gosh darn it what else is there to do..? Thanks Girl Friend and I'm sure glad I met you and have You part of my life even if its over the Net...Bless You dear...xoxox

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by bluebird777, Jan 06, 2011
I just wept when I read this. My heart goes out to you! Just like Stacey says, "You are a fighter!"

I pray that God just wraps you in his arms and holds on! I pray that you feel his love and it gives you comfort!

You sound like a woman who looks at the world in clear vision. No rose colored glasses here! It takes amazing strength and I must say you are an inspiration!

Thank you so much for sharing your story! My thoughts and prayers go out to you!

Therese

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by ladyrhea4, Jan 06, 2011
Ah Thanks Therese,
I guess I just don't see myself that way but thanks for letting me see myself threw your eyes..It made me smile. I wish I could cry but I have not been able to here and there a tear has fallen but I think part of me is scared to start, what if I don't stop?
But You know I have to get , Getting on..I got to make this work. What else can I do? I mean for real You would too..You would say I will beat those Odds and along the way make each thing count. Make each day worth it..Which for me sometimes means Just being at Home Painting and I can hear my Husband down stairs and I hear my Son playing his X box and that makes me smile..I know all is well with my world...You know you got to keep looking forward..and seeing what is bright out there...Thank You for saying such a sweet thing..Keep in touch and God Bless.......I will keep writing...

xoooxxxoooxx

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by sancie, Jan 07, 2011
God be with you through all your trials. I wished I could take all your sickness from you. You  seem  like a very strong willed person. And I commend you for that.  Keep your eyes on God. He's always there, always listening and always loving. I pray that your body will be healed by God's healing hand. Love in Christ.

                                                                                                             Sandra

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by ladyrhea4, Jan 07, 2011
Dearest Sandra,

I pray you are Correct and God does take my Sickness, I'm sure not going to put God in a box. I also don't lay all my card's on One Number, Nope I split them up now. That does not mean I don't think God can do anything, but it does mean that I sure don't want to be Mad At God for Not fixing everything for me.

I do pray I get the time I ask for and to be honest with you I'm a Bit Pissed off today...And I guess I just want the People in the Flesh to back up off me and let me be. Oh at the same time my husband is hurting also.
Thank You for reading my Blog..Sorry I started to blog off my Reply to you...lol....

Thank You so much for the Prayers...

XOXO Rhea

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by wonderwoman101, Dec 09, 2012
Hi Rhea.... i am wondering how you are going in your fight with skin cancer?  You are so strong. you are such a fighter and an inspiration to those around you.:)

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