Jan 11, 2011
Today I went to my neurologist who is a movement disorders specialist after having gone to my psychopharmocologist last week. I was very concerned about the symptoms of the atypical catatonia (what it has been officially classified as) as were they. I was given some up to date clinical literature by my psychiatrist on catatonia in general and at this time there are not that many options (nor is catatonia as a whole entirely understood). One option that interested me was trans cranial magnetic stimulation (which is in clinical study for tardive as well) but that's still in clinical research (although showing promise). However my concern was what was the cause since although they had agreed that it was neurological there was no specific diagnosis. However I did find some worthwhile clinical literature online (a clinical finding within a psychiatric journal of temporary neuraleptic induced catatonia). A family member who is a researcher (although not within medicine) opened the study for me (as only researchers can access it) and it was faxed to their attention. I asked if there was the potential of this occurring as a long term side effect and of course although this has never been documented as it is responding to treatments that are showing efficacy on tardive (for myself as like that study a clinical finding, which means it was noted in one person and not conclusive as to whether it could occur as a whole) which include VImpat and Lovaza as well as treatments that help tardive in standard use (Catapres, Klonopin) if a Pet scan could be conducted to understand if this might be the cause. The idea came under consideration. Then I had some work to do of my own. There was a very hard first step. Respect boundaries.
Truth is so much of my ideas, the thought process and goals were grandiose and inflated before. As well as the way I conducted myself in the office that I knew that it was time to settle down. In general in life as well. And to set more realistic goals. One realistic goal was to track standard recovery issues as well as potential clinical unknowns and of course the fact that at times certain medications and treatments could cause mood flare ups. The answer which they were receptive of and helps me as well was to put together a spread sheet (many of these clinical concerns people generally don't experience so would not be in a standard mood tracker such as catatonia and dementia) with symptoms and what they responded to and when and the potential causes. And to do this each day. I looked back and before some of the mental recovery I could not have done a spreadsheet on a computer. But of course I could tie my shoes. Now with the tardive dysmentia I cannot and require shoes without laces so I wear shoes without laces as an accomodation. But as part of my recovery goal at all times I would discuss standard psychiatric concerns as well (and what might cause mood flare ups which I noted as occurring today, timing of treatments and medications is key, some of them when taken later cause mood lability). And now that my mother is following up on her own mental recovery that we would respect each other's boundaries and as my psychiatrist directed not comment on each other's disabilities but as was my idea and within the family as a whole understand and advocate for each other's accommodations.
People within the family who have disabilities in general understood I did have knowledge and was willing to help out. So two things occurred. Firstly I found my place in society which was equal to that of others, the way I wanted to be treated. But in return I had to treat others that way as well. And the loss of this tone of superiority also helped me to lose this feeling of apartness. Both were part of the same poor coping mechanism. So although in some areas there were marked deficits which required accommodations with those addressed (which will take some time) I could get back into the world. And at the same time something else happened (and the causes were multiple some were neuropsychiatric some may have been mental). I began to gain my emotions back. And the last goal that was crucial was self control. Self control meant having a defined sense of self. To return to society. And reality as well. And the year was off to a good start...