Extreme anxiety attack causing self injurious behavior.

Last night I had a really bad anxiety attack that caused me to hit my arm. Normally I don’t post about such occurrences publicly. Rather than keep quiet about my panic attack, I figure I can use it as learning example for parents struggling with autistic children who suddenly turn to biting themselves or banging their heads.

I’ve come across a number of confused parents on the forums posting about such behaviors. I thought I can share my story, what lead me to hit my arm. Maybe this will help these parents understand what is going on in their child’s mind when it occurs.

First off, “tough love” is a big no. I can’t stand it when someone gets grumpy all of a sudden. Usually in public I’ve learned better coping strategies. At home, it is much different.  

This is the raw breakdown:

1.
I found a neat website that looked like a good resource. I’m mostly distracted by the layout and the “newness” that I can’t really navigate the site to find what I want. I see a log in and decide to create an account. Downside was it requires a membership fee.  I’m excited but worried at the same time.  I decide that I will talk it over with my grandma.  Mood: excited, happy, but cautious.

2.
I tell grandma about the website. I’m excited. I start off with the pros, and then finish off with the “catch”. I am not begging her for the cash. I tell her I have the money. Suddenly she gets mad and we get in a dispute.

3. I did not expect to get in a dispute.  Her sudden angry reaction throws me off base. Mood: Surprised, shocked, and somewhat defensive.  I try to tell her what I saw and am trying to keep calm, despite my anxiety creeping up.

4. Grandma goes on an emotional tirade about this and that… How I’m jumping too fast, wanting too many things… (A CDRW drive and a scanner for instance, which I’d be buying with my own money provided I get the transportation).  Mood: upset and on the verge of crying, if I am not crying already. By now I’ve shut out her words and the ranting has turned into loud and painful background noise. I’m not talking about physical pain. This pain backs me into a corner makes me try to defend myself.  I can’t defend myself. I want grandma to calm down and apologize for her tirade.  She’s not backing down and has no intention to apologize. To her she thinks she’s done nothing wrong. She’s breaking down in some emotional upset over something perhaps not related to the situation on hand. For some reason I have trouble understanding what the loss of her first husband, the loss of my uncle or whatever else she may be thinking has to do with my wanting to talk about a website…

5. I feel psychologically trapped like a wild animal. I can’t win the argument. I can’t get grandma to calm down. At this point the frustration has mounted beyond my control. I can’t make her stop. Rather than attack her, which would be wrong, I take to my arm...

6. It’s still not stopping. Grandma is whining and I’m about to bang my head or bite my arm. Fortunately I run up the stairs, leaving her ranting. (To be polite and listen would break my sanity and possibly lead to me having to be forced out.)  I call my dad and talk it out.

7. Dad, mom and I have a long conversation. We look at the website together. Dad helps me navigate around to find helpful links that are free. After a good two hours or so, I have calmed down significantly and my mood is calm and a little bit happy.

What can we take from this experience if you are a mother of an autistic child?

1. Yelling and screaming at the child won’t work. If your child is like me, he/she can feel your frustration and it only makes him/her more frustrated. The angrier my grandma or dad got, the angrier I got. In the end it leads to extreme frustration, hurt feelings, and probably a really bad headache from banging my head.

A suggestion: try to be as calm as possible.  Most of the time, I am rather calm as long as people around me are calm.  Stopping an argument and apologizing can quickly diffuse emotions and prevent the feelings from escalating. A gentle approach goes a long way. Harsh (or perceived harsh) punishment only exasperates the situation. I remember times in the past where I wouldn’t even realize what I did wrong to cause such a reaction.  Without a doubt, this confusion led to intense frustration, anger, hurt feelings, and a need to put an ice pack on bitten sore arm.

I hope this was insightful in some way. I may edit this later to refine it. Or I may not.