Frustration

During Lunch I got into another argument with grandma. This time she was egging me on to go ahead and bite myself. Thankfully I didn't, but I'm getting sick of living with people who are not helping me in a way. I thank grandma fro providing her house for me to live in and being supportive in helping me in my process of getting SSI. She helps shop for the things I need.  I'm grateful for all she does.

Only, I'm getting frustrated because she keeps insisting, "You can't make a living on art." "I was hoping when you moved in you could be a benefit to me by doing the things I can't do. That " I was hoping your writing would just be a hobby..."  

I try to tell her that's my passion. I want it to be more than just a hobby. She says it is her passion too. She wants to write a book, but she can't, (and implying I can't either.) She mentions I’ve been trying for the last several months as if what I’m doing is going nowhere.

I reply, "I don't think I can't." She asks me to repeat. I repeat so she can hear.  It gets ugly arguing with her. She says she's not going to let me spend my money on stuff like resources, computer equipment and others, because I'm on welfare...and she puts her foot down. She said "I put my foot down and I don't back down. Go ahead and bite yourself. I don't care. That's not going to change my mind."

Granted I can't repeat word for word what she said because my memory isn't that good. I got enough...  It took me several hours for it to sink in, but now that it has, I feel very hurt.

I just want to get off the ground, but what do I do if people around me are shoving me back in?  I wish I knew how to behave appropriately in such frustrating situations.

I know my work is good. I don't need to be reassured of that. I know I have a talent and I honestly believe with the right help and people in my life I can really go far with my talent too.  I don't think it is unrealistic for me to dream of being published. I think I may even have a shot at big name publishers if I had just the right real life help.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself about my work.  I'm more frustrated because my life is not going the way I want it to go at the moment.  Having my anxiety and disability with social skills makes it even more frustrating. Not to mention a rather unpredictable crabby grandma. She can be really sweet and encouraging one moment, then the next moment, she's like this... With my autism I don't know what to expect when I come to her to talk.