How to Panic a Fugazi Grrl

For the first 32 years of my life, I was a generally healthy, happy girl who even menaged to make it through a rough pregnancy and live with a whole plethora of allergies in a way that most of my friends marvelled at and that I credited to "Klingon endurance" due to my love of Star Trek.

Then back in March (2007), not long after my 33rd bithday, I got sick. I didn't realize the causes of my troubles immediately, but the origins of my illnesses all started with some cleaning and remodelling in our apartment. We had to clean up a lot of mouse poo, left in little cubbyholes behind furniture and under cabinets, etc. We had a mouse infestation in late '06 after our German Shepherd dog and champion mouse catcher died... and we had to do the cleanup during our spring cleaning as a result.

I used a vaccum cleaner to clear away the poo, and didn't use a filter mask. And I also over did it with the vaccum and with lifting and moving furniture. The immediate result was a flu, or some kind of virus, and from that I developed a case of bronchitis. I didn't know this for over a month, however. I don't carry any medical insurance (can't afford it) and so I was reluctant to go to a doctor. I went to an Urgent Care Clinic and was treated by a caustic mannered doctor who told me that I had some "green ****" in my nose that was running into my throat. He gave me some antibiotics, and insisted I take them even though I've always had bad reactions to antibiotics, including psychological and emotional side effects that manifested themselves more like what people using illicit drugs go through.

I took the anitbiotics, and got over my fever and weakness. And for a week or so, I was all right. Then the whole series of symptoms that later lead to my diagnosis with CFS began. First it was irritable bowel- nausea and stomach aches every night. Add to that muscle pains that were later diagnosed as Fibromyalgia and Costochondritis, headaches, sweats, and anxiety.... and I became convinced that I was having a heart attack.

I know... a silly thing for a girl in her early 30s to worry about... but it seemed that all around me people were having heart attacks in their 30s or 40s. And even though they were mostly men, it was something that I was deluged with. Aspirin commercials that showed perfectly healthy 20-something actors pretending to be men in their 30s who had had heart attacks in their 20s... reality shows where rugged fishermen functioned with a blood pressure reading of 260/180 and made fun of their crewmates for having heart attacks on the deck of their ship... and it seemed evey time I would channel surf into a TV sitcom during one of my sleepless nights while beleagured with stomach pains and nausea I'd see some actor overacting a fictionalized heart attack.

And so, I developed an anxiety disorder. I was certain that my pains and nausea were the warning of an impending heart attack. But, at the same time I was too scared to go to the doctor. My boyfriend and I discussed it, on several occasions... but ultimately it was my decision whether or not to seek medical advice.

And I felt we simply could not afford it...

In the meanwhile, our plumbing backed up, and since I am the mechanically inclined one in the family, I was the one who climbed on the roof and ran the plumber's pipe snake down the drain pipes. I was still caughing sometimes due to my bronchitis, and still had pains in my chest and arms. But... it had to be done...

And so, I "snaked" the pipes and got them cleaned out. And that's how I strained the muscles in my upper body into a state of Costochondritis.

Two more weeks passed, and I fought nausea, and pain until one day when I was bringing in some laundry and I felt myself go faint. Just for a second, but I was really scared. I knew I was going to have a heart attack. So, we went to the emergency room. And there I was treated by a young doctor only a few years my senior who diagnosed me with bronchitis, and pleurisy. He ran all the usual tests on me, my heart, and my lungs. And he assured me my heart was strong, and healthy. He sent me home with a perscription and an assurance that my heart was fine...

But, this didn't stop my pains, and it didn't stop my panics. Within days I was back to my old routine; having a pain in my chest, or back, or arms, panicing I was having a heart attack... breaking out in a sweat.... and wandering out into my backyard and sitting on our sidewalk outside the house out there crying, in a state of fear that I was about to die... or worse.. become debilitated and be unable to care for and help raise my daughter.

Desperate to find out what was wrong with me and why I wasn't getting any better, I went on line. And it was here that I found out about Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, and the extent to which a panic disorder can phyically effect someone. And a lot of the information I got from the MedHelp forums.

I printed off a lot of information, collected it in a binder, and returned to my doctor. And on the strength of my research, he checked me out again. I don't know all the tests he ran, but it took several sessions and enough time for us to find a stray little puppy and bring him into our family between my visits to the doctor's office. The little puppy, Donut, became my "Loyal Terrier", sitting in my lap and giving me a kind of comfort no one else could offer when I was in the grips of one of my panics. In the meanwhile that Donut was becoming a member of our family, my doctor- the same fellow who treated me that night in the emergency room- was figuring out what was physically wrong with me.

I got the diagnosis on May 28th, 2007.

Chostochondritis- most likely from a combination of vaccuming, lifitng furniture, and doing the plumbing work on the roof.
Fibromyalgia - which accounted for a lot of the pains I was having, along with the pleurisy that was slowly going away.
and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome - which has been at thr root of my problems ever since... and I've run the gamut of symptoms, and manifestations of this enigmatic illness.

Still, no heart trouble... but still, my emotions got the better of me. And my panic attacks continued.

I became so disgusted with my own emotional imbalances that I switched my passions, as far as Star Trek was concerned, from Vulcans to Klingons (I do a lot of Star Trek writing- fanfcition- for relaxation)

And I tried to follow my doctor's advice, and deal with the problems I actually had. And for the most part those are better now. The CFS still puts me through the gauntlet of unexpected pains, and other symptoms every now and then...

But my main enemy all summer long was panic attacks. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to take a bunch of drugs and experience a bunch of side effects. So, I just kept pestering my doctor about the condition of my heart, holding my loyal terrier in my lap, and sitting in my yard crying and worrying....

Then I stumbled across a post on MedHelp- it was in the mentl health forum, I think... the topic had to do with Panic Disorder, and the psycholgist answered the poster's question very informatively and conceisly as usual. And from reading the doctor's response and reading the poster's question and his description of his symptoms I saw a parallel between the man posting and my own case. I read the responses and comments other users had to the post... all about panic disorders and symptoms that seemed all too similar to a heart attack, or to angina pains.

I began to browse the topics on anxiety disorder, as well as chest pains and my other symptoms. And it was as if a light had been turned on in my mind. I wasn't alone. It seemed hundreds of people had the same symptoms that I did... and they didn't have heart trouble either. They had all been tested and checked out ad nauseum- no trace of heart disease... and yet they had these symptoms. And that's what helped me. I realized I was not the only person I the world who had all of these physical symptoms and had been frightened by them... and yet truly, really didn't have a heart condition.

There was even one gentleman who told another poster he had suffered from this condition for over 30 years... and that he had been diagnosed with panic disorder. And that at times of stress he would have these symptoms for a while... and then they'd go away... only to return when the stress returned.

I had found literally hundreds of kindred spirits who suffered through the same things I did... worried over the same things that worried me... and received the comfort of others in their position who had accepted the fact that they had panic disorder and dealt with it, living full, active lives. These people had all been tested... all had had heart disease ruled out as a cause of their troubles, just as I had... and they all still had the same problems. Some of them were even still worried they were having or about to have haeart attack- just like me !

After reading those posts, I became more confident in what my doctor had told me- that many people suffering from CFS often have symptoms of panic disorder, anxiety attacks, and even depression.

But, it took seeing the on line testimonies of so many other people for me to really begin to believe it.

And now, for over a month now I have my panic attacks under control. My Fibromyalgia is much more manageable. I'm sleeping better. And my CFS is not near as much of an effect on my life as it was back in June.

And I don't think I would have ever come to realise what my doctor was trying to tell me had I not seen it for myself on MedHelp.

And now, when I feel a panic attack coming on, or I find myself with new symptoms I check MedHelp, and the words of the doctors there give me a kind of courage and confidence to face what's wrong with me, to live with it, to cope, and to have as full and enjoyable a life as I possibly can.

I still have the bronchitis, and I cough sometimes. I still have Fibromyalgia, and CFS.... I don't think there is really a cure for these... but I don't spend the wee hours of the morning sitting in my yard in a state of panic.

I've got my life back... thanks to MedHelp....

And that's my story.