Mar 14, 2011
In 1996 I lost my 4 month old daughter . Her name IS HopeRayna and she IS survived by her twin sister FaithMaria D.O.B 06/11/1996. Notice I use words like IS-present tense. I will ALWAYS be her Mommy and she is ALWAYS a daily part of my life and who I am. I carry her memory with me every second of every hour. That CAN NOT ever be taken from me.
This may be difficult for most people to hear, as to me, even after 14 years of knowing and re-living the nightmare over & over, it still sounds and feels rather unbelievable.
Her father, who was home with the kids, lost his cool and threw our tiny daughter onto
the sofa (It was the type that had wooden arms for arm rests). Her head hit the wooden arm before she hit the floor. 9 minutes went by before he called 911, and by that time, she was unconscious and had been from the second she hit the floor. She was air lifted out.
We,being he and I both, spent the next 4 sleepless days and nights sitting beside her lifeless body in ICU at Childrens Hospital out of Cincinnati Ohio.On the 4th day, she passed away.
Soon after we said our final good-byes we were met in the hall right outside the ICU by childrens services. Informing us that at that time, my other 2 children were being placed with my Mom and Dad temp. due to an on-going investigation for the death of Hope.
I'll never forget the date, 11/06/1996, We were both taken in and given a lie detection test. I couldn't believe they was questioning us like this over our tragedy. I was taken to a room as he was. I was hooked up and asked 2 questions....."what was my name and where did I reside at?" 3 nerve racking hours later a detective came in the room I was being held in and informed me that Hopes father fully admitting to taking her life-saying it was
He was taken to The Federal Justice Center and booked that same day. I was told that I was cleared of having anything to do with my daughters death and my name was cleared. I asked the detective "Why the hell did you think I had something to do with it, I wasn't even at home at time?" He looked me right in the eyes and said "We assumed you was covering for him and not telling us what really happened!" I was handed $5.00 and told to take a cab home.
My other 2 babies were returned to my custody that evening. And my life changed forever more-from that day on. I have no memories of the following years from Nov. 6, 1996 until 2001. I can't recall a single thing. Not of my other children, no holidays, no friends, NOTTA. My brain simply shut down & went to sleep. Dr.'s all said due to the trauma of losing a child, I say because I couldn't deal with having my heart broke again, that time by someone I loved and trusted with my baby!
He got 5 years for our daughters death. I did mine in silence. And the mommy in me will always do time for leaving my baby with someone who took her away from me.
Everyone deals with the loss in a different manner and way. Some get angry at the world, others drink and do drugs, and some just try not deal with the tragedy in the ways as I did by emotionally shutting down.
I can't offer any sound advice to anyone over the grieving process. But I can share my story and heartache with anyone who wants to listen. And HOPEFULLY offer the compassion and understanding of knowing what it's like to lose the most wonderful thing in the world. The most precious gift of all time, our own child.
I know I will NEVER forget the time I had with her and the memories! I WILL always reflect on those days. In the end,once when the pain and numbness thaws a little, we realize how blessed we ARE to have known our angel for the time that was allowed! We have memories that we can hold dear, images of our favorite moments etched in our brain that we will NEVER forget.
And the most important thing of all, getting to keep the knowledge we now have of what its like to love and know that precious soul. Never allowing ourselves one second of taking the time we have with our beautiful kids and loved ones for granted! That in itself is REAL TRUE BLESSING, and for that I am most thankful!
I am thinking of everyone who has or is going through this tragedy, praying for their peace of mind and sanity to help pull you through these times or past ones. There are NOT any words that can or will comfort you emotionally with such deep pain! Instead I hope to offer words of understanding and thoughts of encouragement to hang in there.
I know the pain will never LESSEN and the hurt will NEVER go away. I know you can't imagine it now- but as time passes we find and learn ways to cope with the loss.
Hugs to you all Always and Forever, AnnaMaria!