All Journal Entries Journals
Previous | Next

Tram Ride

Apr 09, 2011 - 2 comments
Tags:

tramadol recovery

,

tramadol addiction

,

tramadol detox taper

,

tramadol abuse

,

ultram addiction



15 years ago I sat down in your tempting seat, I did not think there would be any need for a safety belt, as this was supposed to be a tame "tram" ride; all the clowns told me it was the safest ride to choose, so innocent and slow and will just bring me some relief.  I should have realized when the hold bar came crashing down on my lap and the harness came up from behind and pulled my back against the seat, that this was not going to be any ordinary ride for me.  At that moment I should have screamed for help and demanded to be let off - but that little voice, my little compulsive friend, whispered, "It will be just fine, fun & exciting, it will make you feel so much better - the clowns told us this is what is needed - there is no need to worry, and clowns are the experts and professionals of fun."  The car started to move forward, taking control of every direction I went, every move I made, and it felt so good, I gladly surrendered and succombed to the quickness, the numbness & tingling, every sensation, every vibration - the car started to pick up speed and the winding track started going in zig zags - at the pinnacle I felt elation, euphoria, at the dips I became nauseated, scared, uncontrollable - then up ahead I saw the loop, the never ending circle - I wanted to keep going, I had to keep going no matter if it made me sick or if it even killed me, I had to feel that on last hit of - what? what was it exactly that I thought this ride was giving me? I had been in that seat for so god damn long, I could not even remember the why, woulds, coulds or shoulds anymore; my whole body had gone numb, my brain had gone blank, and my back hurt even worse- I then saw my girls crying for me to get off and I finally realized I am at an insane circus and this had turned into a crazy f***ed up psycho roller coaster. At that very thought & at that very moment, the restaints disappeared and the car came to a screeching halt - I was free to depart - It was dark, I was scared, but I just followed the smiles and faces of my girls, my family, the people who love me and as I kept following, the light finally appeared and I finally understood that I had control of this ride the whole time, not the freaks not the clowns, but me, my power, my willingness, my desire- I have vacated, I am concluded - and I do not just say good bye to that f***ked up tram ride, the clowns, the insanity -no- i scream from the top of my lungs - Good freaking riddance

Comments
Post a Comment
1292938_tn?1333276842
by bethwillprevail, Sep 02, 2011
Amen sister!

1987784_tn?1356832921
by jessica038587, Jan 23, 2012
That's amazing poetry. I'm really proud of you! I look up to you for this. Thanks for encouraging me and now I'm crying and I don't know why? I'm so scared to get off of this drug in a week. I'm scared of the withdrawals, but I want a child so badly. I need someones help who understands these things. This particular drug is ruining my life and taken over. I've been on it for 6 years and I'm 26...almost 27. I stared taking it December of 2005. Any words of encouragement will be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much for reading this and I'll keep you in my prayers :)

Post a Comment