May 24, 2011
I was very depressed today. Things have not been well in my family. My mom is finishing a series of tests after a a minor operation for melanoma. I have been supportive of her but from what she has informed me there is not much we can do until the tests are over (so far they are showing that they were able to stop it in time but that still has not been confirmed completely) Other family members have not obtained the recovery they sought for their disabilities or those of their own family members. Some family members have been affected by today's economic climate. I have been isolated and aside from a daily walk physically homebound and as some people have left my life, increasingly cut off from society. Best I could do is take a long walk to the local botanical gardens and although it was a pleasant walk there wasn't much there. To obtain community integration and social functioning I require accommodations.
However today was an important day even though nothing major happened. I went to the supermarket and encountered an attack of atypical catatonia. I had put all the items I intended to purchase into a small cart that I could carry but as I become physically disoriented in crowds had lost the cart and was about to drop breakable items. One of the people who worked at the supermarket rushed to help me from not dropping anything and brought what I was going to purchase to the line. After purchasing what I needed to I then thanked them but they were polite and not condescending about it.
I did decide to think about things and it made me feel better. Firstly I should focus on those who had helped (for example a relative's friend is researching assistive technology for me, I was able to use that temporarily at an appointment with a dermatologist and it went fine). Another relative is asking around about home attendants who people could recommend. I should be appreciative of them and thankful for the people who didn't understand my disability before who do now once I explained. I also should continue to help and to advocate for other family members who need it as I have been. And I am trying to return (and have to an extent) with some of the advocacy I do in general. Sometimes things can seem (and sometimes be) very depressing. I always pass by a man who is homeless and could benefit from housing, treatment and other needed supports and services and am frightened that I will end up in that position. I thought that over and reminded myself that that was just negativity, that if people worked together perhaps that man could have the help he needed. The truth is I had descended to self pity which is the worst mindset. I know that I am thankful for the help that person gave me because I was in a physically unsafe situation. But I am also thankful for what they gave me to think about. And I intend to work with that and continue to change what I know I can with my situation which is my outlook and mentality. And with that approach perhaps further things will change from there....