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Feeling Distraught

Jun 02, 2011 - 15 comments
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Pregnancy test



So I caved and took a first response early pregnancy test since I am suppose to start this Friday. It was a BFN ='[. If I was pregnant it should have shown up on the test right??? Dangit I am so upset I could break something. I cannot handle the let downs anymore. I just can't. I am such a defective person and nothing in the world will ever change the fact that I will never be a mom. sigh... I thank everyone for all of the support. It has helped so much. I am slowly going into depression. I am beyond irritable at this point and I feel sad.

On that note I am going to go cry myself to sleep. After 8 years of trying and NEVER conceiving, that says enough right there. The doctors say I don't ovulate on my own but they did not do any pre-test of my ovaries to see if I ovulate on my own, I know I am a pessimist but I can't help how I am feeling. *tears* ... Now I am rambling. I just feel so misunderstood and cursed.

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by Risa615, Jun 02, 2011
Go to my journal Sept 4, 2010 and learn about Tribulus. You can buy it for under $10 and it could help you ovulate. Also a girl on here had the same issue and she is now prego, I will send you her name and you can red her journals. Keep your chin up!

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by Lizwishes, Jun 02, 2011
oh jess i really just dont know what to say that will make you feel better 8 (  What i will say though and i know you wont believe me and you will have heard it a million times but here goes.....YOU NEED TO RELAX.  Everyone used to say that to me and i thought yeah right, since when did relaxing get you pregnant!!! But honestly the one month i relaxed about TTC and focused on something else it happened and now i do believe that this was the answer!! Obviously i needed to be ovualting, have clear tubes and good swimmers from my partner....i had all this 6 cycles prior to bfp, but still got bfn's!!! The only difference was i relaxed!!

Was this clomid cycle 3?  Remember i did 4 clomid cycles all with BFNs but continued to ovulate on my own after clomid.

You too are now ovulating, have clear tubes and good swimmers so maybe you too just need a stress free mind to complete the job 8 )  I know its so much easier said than done when you want something so bad and it was only waiting for my lap n dye that made me re-focus, i was so pre-occupied with thoughts of this that i actually put thoughts of conceiving at the back of my mind....i mean there was no way it was going to happen just before my op!! or so i thought!!

I had no idea you had been TTC for 8 years.....im so sorry, i was TTC for nearly 2 and was going out of my mind so i have no idea how you must be feeling! 8 (

They dont necessarily need to test your ovaries for ovulation, they can tell by blood work on certain days of the cycle, the progesterone on day 21 and another on day 3 i think but i dont know what it is!   I had all this done which indicated i was'nt ovulating, after that i had an u/s that showed PCOS which really just confirmed why i wasn't ovulating.  Did you have any blood work taken prior to you Dr giving you clomid?

Sending  you lots of hugs!!! 8 )



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by leillani, Jun 02, 2011
Jess, it is so heartbreaking to read you are TTC for eight years... I have no comforting words, I don't want to speak in platitudes. Your story remembers me of a friend of mine. Maybe you already underwent what she had to undergo, maybe you already know what I am talking about. I do not want to be a know-it-all, just want to share her experience. Maybe it can give you a new idea.

My friend suffered from a special manifestation of corpus luteum insufficiency called Luteinized Unruptured Follicle Syndrome, better knows as "trapped-egg-syndrome".

LUF-Syndrome means the dominant follicle undergoes the luteinization process, but it does not rupture in the midcycle LH-surge. It is hard to detect, because women with LUFS show regular cycles, regular hormone levels in bloodwork, inconspicuous basal temps and endometrial findings being consistent with ovulation. My friend always told me she could not understand her infertility, docs would always tell her she would be infertile for no reasons. It took her a bunch of years until a RE got the idea of LUFS.

LUFS itself does not cause any symptoms, so it is not often diagnosed. My friend had to undergo IVF, because HCG injections (10.000 IU, later 20.000 IU) did not work out. RE went straight to IVF after TI did not work out. I remember my friend said RE would have said IUI would not have any better chances under her and her husband's individual conditions. It took only one IVF tryout after ten long years TTC. She now has two marvelous little twin girls from three embies getting transferred.

LUFS is diagnosed by monitoring for follicle tracking with serial ultrasound scans. Maybe you ob/gyn or your RE will recommend monitoring when you ask for the diagnosis of exclusion of LUFS?

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by AshersC, Jun 02, 2011
Oh Jess I do know how you feel and it is totally, and completely heartbreaking.  I wish I could hug you right now because there is nothing that can lift you up when your depressed like this.  You are a strong woman and you are NOT defective.  I know that you think you are right now, but you are doing all you can to help your body along on this journey.  I am SO sorry but you are not out yet!  AF isn't here!!!  I think you and I need to come up with a stronger game plan to help our bodies along with the meds the Dr. is prescribing...maybe we can order and take that fertibella vitamin together?  Make our hubbies do the vitamin and herb regimine?  ANYTHING has got to do more than the results were getting now...I know this journal was 9 hours ago so my hope is that you got a good nights rest, and that you feel better today.  Not only thinking but praying about you dear!!!  <3 Ash.  

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by babynumbertwo, Jun 02, 2011
Jess pls don't  lose Ur faith. Keep Ur head up.  It wll happen, look at me we tried for a while dr said I would never have children , now I have a little 4 yr old daughter. With men this is impossible, but with GOD " ALL" things are possible. (Mathew 19:26) . So just leave Ur problems in the hand of the good LORD. Im praying for ALL us ladies...

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by beddajess, Jun 02, 2011
@ Liz,

Thank you for the support you give and for caring so much like you do! This was the first month that I did not stress and I actually relaxed. I began water aerobics and everything. It all started this past week because I wanted to test for "fun" to see if the trigger shot was still in my system, BIG mistake because that is what led me to this depression. This was my 3rd round on the clomid. I had monitoring this month which included clomid cd days 4 through 8, 2 ultrasounds and a trigger shot. My doctor did not do any blood work prior to me starting the clomid. He tested my bf's sperm, I had my tubes checked and a vaginal ultrasound done. Thats it. My first round of clomid he had me do a progesterone blood test on cd 21 and it came back great. My doc never diagnosed me with pcos.

I totally know what you mean about the relaxing thing. That is why I am bummed. Because this month felt great without the temping and opk stressing. I keep forgetting that it can take up to 12 dpo to implant. Today is my 12th dpo. My problem is I am way overly anxious now that I am so close to my af showing up. I still have a tiny bit of hope because my eyes have felt extremely tired and heavy non stop since yesterday morning and my cm is watery/creamy. BUT I know they could be af related Im sure.

I hate to be such a downer but I am thankful I have you and all of the other women on here to show me so much love and support! I wish I could give you a big hug! THANK YOU again xoxo

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by beddajess, Jun 02, 2011
@ Leillani,

You are so sweet! Thank you for being so considerate of my feelings. Made me tear up! You say you don't have comforting words BUT you DO! Your comment has helped me SO much!

If this month is for sure a BFN, we are going to try IUI in July. I am going to def ask my doctor about the LUFS. I really really appreciate you sharing your friend's story with me because trust me, I take it all in =) I actually have had 3 ultrasounds since I began seeing a specialists but maybe it just has not been at the right time when the eggs are suppose to rupture ya know?  I get down and depressed because my bf and I cannot afford to do IVF. It costs $12,000. =( But I am hoping we can have success with the IUI.

Again, I cannot thank you enough for the taking the time to comment and make me feel better and a lot more hopeful! xoxo I am forever grateful.

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by beddajess, Jun 02, 2011
@ Ash,

Aweee thank you, I know you know how heartbreaking it is! Sigh. Just you saying that you want to hug me to make me feel better really feels like you hugged me, if that makes sense. You made me feel 10 times better =D Thank you thank you!

I guess your right, I am technically not out just yet. I need to stop being so pessimistic. What is fertibella ? I am down to do whatever it takes and I know my honey is as well. He does not want me to give up. I refuse to give up but I need to def find a better way so I really love your idea, lets see what we can do about it. ;-)

Thank you for thinking of me and praying for me, I am forever grateful and I appreciate everything!! I am still praying for you that you get your BFP!! I wish I could hug you!

xoxo <3 Jess

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by beddajess, Jun 02, 2011
@ babynumbertwo,

Thank you so much for the comment! I am trying to keep my head up, I promise. I do need to remember that God works miracles. I hate feeling this way inside. Thank you for referencing the bible for me. I will learn to leave my worries in Gods box. Thank you again!

I am praying for ALL of us as well =)

xoxo Jess

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by Lizwishes, Jun 03, 2011
your not a downer jess, your just disappointed which is completely understandable!  i'm glad you were able to relax a little this cycle and i know what you mean about it all getting too much when its time for testing....its enough to stress a saint!!

You right 12 dpo is still early so as always.....lots of hugs and baby dust! 8 )

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by leillani, Jun 04, 2011
Jess, if it is LUFS, the IUI was the right fertility therapy. You won't have to undergo IVF. My friend's hubby had special conditions which made IUI no proper alternative. My friend had to undergo daily ultrasounds since first positive OPK and got hormonal shots until the egg was released. They did that as long as they tried timed intercourse which was about six cycles. SSDB!

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by beddajess, Jun 04, 2011
@ Leillani,

Thank you! That really helps n makes me feel 10 times better =). We are going to try for the IUI in July and see how it goes. I won't give up until I have exhausted all of my efforts. Somethings gotta give eventually. Thank you for the baby dust!! xoxo

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by beddajess, Jun 04, 2011
@ Liz,

Your always so sweet and encouraging! Thank you so much for always being my support! Since af did show up right on time, we are going to plan for IUI in July and if that doesn't work, well I will have no choice but to give it a break for a while. We can only afford so much.

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by leillani, Jun 05, 2011
I keep my fingers crossed for your IUI in July. Miracles do happen. :o)

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by beddajess, Jun 06, 2011
Thank you Leillani =)

We had to push it to August now =( But your right, miracles do happen, so we are still taking all the baby dust and prayers we can get! Thank you again, so much!!


xoxo Jess

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