Jun 05, 2011
Day 1, Saturday 5/28. Went to Sub Dr. in Withdrawal, I felt horrible. All the usual feelings of opiate withdrawal and I was scared! This time I feel different, I am determined to get off of opiates so at 9am I went to the detox center and started this journey. At 9am I did all the paperwork and waited. At 10am they finally gave me a dose of 4mg of suboxone and minutes later all the feelings were gone and I felt normal. The place was getting packed with people and I realized I wasn’t alone. All types of people, professional, younger, older, were coming through the door and I realized that they shared a similar walk, the fear went away and I felt like freedom was finally a light at the end of the tunnel. At 3pm I felt like I need another dose, so I took another 4mg. I felt like my head was tingling and I didn’t feel that great but the night went on. The feelings returned around 8pm and I took another 2mg, and then at 10pm took another 4mg. This may have been too much because I got a big headache and felt bad, kind of nauseous. I went to sleep after and woke up around 1pm the next day, wow I have never slept so much! Total day’s dose was 14mg. Cost of Dr. $237.00 including meds. Some stomach issues, not major by any means, just a little bit of diarrhea.
Day 2, Sunday 5/29. 1:00pm woke up and my pillow was wet, not sure what that was about. I took 2mg. I don’t think I need so much sub, because I don’t want to feel bad. I didn’t wake up in withdrawal as I was used to with oxy. I took 2mg, and today , I am determined that my 14mg is way too much, so I am going to see if I am comfortable at 6mg. I need to figure out what my dose will be this week and I really want it to be low because sub strips are so expensive. By the way, I opted for sub strips and it can’t get any easier to cut the strips down! I want to go back to this Dr and tell her that I am making it on 6mg and want to go down from there, so that’s the goal. It’s now 3:27pm and I still feel OK. No withdrawal, just a little bit of depression but it come and goes. I’ve been reading some people’s experience on sub, and it was that info that urged me to decrease my starting dose by day 2 and I feel better than yesterday. No headaches and no head tingle!! Stomach is cramping a little. JUST A LITTLE! Nothing to really complain about. I went to beach with hubby and we walked on the beach at night, I really needed that. We came back home around 10 and I dosed again 2mg. Today’s total dose was 6mg and I really didn’t feel the bump down.
Day 3, Monday 5/30. I woke up at 10:00am and pillow was not wet, but I didn’t feel that great, kind of like withdrawals but not full blow like I’m used to. I took 2mg of sub and felt better. Still feel kind of empty and glad I don’t have to go to work. Spent most of the day just watching old Roseanne shows and relaxing. No stomach issues and I feel hungry and can eat. I’m kind of depressed, like something died in my life and I’m in morning. It comes and goes. Around 3:00, I took another 2mg, so that’s 4 for the day so far. It’s now 6:42pm and I’m trying to focus and do schoolwork but not very motivated. I think that I am getting used to the sub, but still want to aggressively taper. I have been looking online at the sub forums for some ideas. Today’s total dose was 4mg. I think I am going to keep dropping if I can down to 2mg. Most people online are saying that anything above 4mg creates antagonist issues and makes you feel worse. Sub is supposed to work best when around 2mg per day, so that’s the goal for tomorrow.
Day 4, Tuesday. Back to work today and I took 4mg as soon as I woke up. I started feeling bad around 4. Got home and took 2mg. It’s now 10:11pm and I feel like I’m in withdrawal again. Will take another 2mg, and today’s will be higher at 8. Maybe my dose was cut too fast, I think I may go back up to 6-8mg for a few days. Today I felt like I was exposed, like my skin was off and everybody could see my insides. I feel very, very sensitive right now, and kind of emotional. It was very hard just to do any grocery shopping. I remember when I was on opiates, how I could care less about what people thought. Now, it’s like old feelings of anxiety being around people is back full force and my confidence is shattered. I keep telling myself that this is just my mind’s way of talking me into using again and I am strong, but wow, I never expected it to be this rough. I have a long road ahead. Total dose today was 8mg.
Day 5, Wednesday. Today has been one of the hardest days. Started this morning at 9:00am with 4mg. Had to take another 2mg at 1:00pm and then another 1mg at 4:35pm. I think I am going to go slower in my taper, it was probably way too fast. I need to stop pressuring myself to get off sub, because I originally planned a 3 week taper, and this is only day 5. I am going to try to be very strong and not go over 8mg today. I’m mad at myself because I read that you are supposed to level off at the same dose, and it feels like I am going up and not down. Busy with work and school tonight. Major stress with a big test and that could be the problem. More later. Ended with today’s dose at 10mg.
Day 6, Thursday. No news today. 8mg total dose today. I feel OK and like I have stabilized on the subs. Aside from being tired, I feel pretty normal.
Day 7, Friday. Wow, I am so proud of myself I had the opportunity to go get more pain meds, but you know what, I didn’t want them!! Did a dose of 2, 1, 1, 2 over the day and felt OK. I am so proud of myself for turning my back to the Dr. Because I had an appt previously scheduled today. I could have easily went and got more, but I chose to stick to my plan of kicking this monkey all the way off my back and going full force. I can’t wait to tell my Sub Dr. tomorrow! She is going to be so proud of me. 6mg total dose today.
Day 8, Saturday. Today I went back to my Dr. for my week #2 detox. She was really proud of me for dropping and supported my goal of being off of sub in 3 weeks. She only gave me 2 more strips as I had 4 left over anyway. I must say the addict in me was calling me stupid and to lie to get more, but reason was stronger. Why the hell would I want more strips when the goal is to lose this monkey? My Dr. told me she will be behind me on my pace and to remind her when I am close to jumping so she can give me some comfort meds. Overall, I felt great. I dosed 3 times, today. Today’s total dose was 6mg. It’s not four like I planned but I will start that tomorrow. I know I can do this! Did lot’s of errands and had no issues. Today I felt happy for the first time in weeks! Cost of Dr. was $87.00.
Day 9, Sunday. Dosed 2mg at 11am and 2mg at 4pm. No more for the rest of the day today. I have been doing more research and found some good tricks. One poster said to cut dose by 25% every 3 days. I think I am going to do that! I made a plan today for the rest of my taper, following advice from people on the sub boards online. http://www.drugs.com/forum/featured-conditions/suboxone-starting-stopping-successfully-47749.html this was a really helpful post and motivated me to keep on my plan and keep tapering. I hope this journal helps people when I am off subs, and I hope I can do this successfully without withdrawals. I guess time will tell. Right now I am taking one day at a time. I have to find another Dr. one that won’t Rx me opiates unless I go through something major, and not just to relieve pain. I have found that massage and physical therapy is helping to manage my back and neck pain and I am continuing to go 2 x per week. Detox wants me to go to NA, but I don’t really feel like I need that right now. I was dependent on opiates and scared of the withdrawal, and that’s what kept me using, not that I was chasing a high. I just wanted to feel normal and not sick. Now that I feel normal and not sick anymore, I just want to keep going and keep doing what I am doing. Some anxiety has kicked in, but not much, I am still strong and motivated to kick the pills to the curb and stop living dependent on a drug. 1 week away from my DOC and I feel better. I never thought I would be able to do this, but I am. Maybe I’ll be a success story after all.