Jun 17, 2011
AF arrived right on time on Thursday. When I discovered it, I knew the hoping for this month was over. Today's beta just told me what I already knew, bfn. I'm not taking it as hard as I thought I would. Don't get me wrong, I had a good cry, but I forced myself to get busy with something so I didn't obsess over it. But, hearing from my doctor today just reaffirmed that I am sad. Sometimes I wonder if there is something other than a sperm issue that is preventing this from happening. It was the ideal scenario this time. I'm off of work for the summer so I'm completely relaxed, we had a beautiful blast, I was sure to follow doctor's orders. Regardless, here we are again. It just causes me a twinge of panic sometimes...what if this never happens? How many disappointments can I get through? I suppose I will find out. For now, I'll just thank God I have some frozen embies to try again with and pray God gives me the strength to get through it. I know He will. He always does. God is so good to me. Even when my heart aches, I can trust that he loves me.
The story below that I read last night reminds me of this truth (it is taken verbatim from Charles Stanley's The Glorious Journey)...
Imagine that you are sitting in the waiting room at your dentist's office. You look over and see a four-year-old child crying and begging his daddy not to make him have his cavity filled. You walk over to the child and ask this question, "Do you think your daddy loves you?" Under these circumstances you wouldn't be shocked to hear, "No, my daddy doesn't love me. He made me come to the dentist." The child's faith in the goodness of his father would be at a low point. These circumstances don't communicate love to a four-year-old. And he doesn't have the maturity to think through all the other good and sacrificial things his dad has done for him in the past. The child's attention is riveted to the present. You realize this is a timing problem. The child doesn't have all of the information. He doesn't realize the importance of having the cavity filled. However, ask him the same question a few hours later when his father is rewarding him with a chocolate shake! We are the same way. When things aren't going our way, it is hard to look beyond the here and now; it is hard to remember the goodness of the Lord; we forget the significance of the sacrifice made for us at Calvary. Consequently, our faith runs low; we begin to doubt. But as we learn to refocus on what happened at Calvary two thousand years ago, our faith will grow strong. We will be able to join in with the psalmist who wrote (changed verse to New Living Translation),
But I trust in Your unfailing love.
I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
I will sing to the LORD,
because he is good to me (Ps. 13:5-6)