Jun 20, 2011
The thought of losing my family again, the thought of being uprooted to a place I'm not sure I agree can help a hard headed creature such as myself scares me. There is fear and anxiety in all of my muscles and mind. I feel a peace about it, as though I've cried a million tears and came to this conclusion. Yet my body and mind are anchoring me to my bed. My mind is transported back to my temperament when I was at the hospital. I was peaceful and empty, sad, yet unafraid, willing and it was as though I floated through each day. Peace is very new to me. I've not experienced the calm after a storm in a long time and it felt good in a strange way.
The unknown awaits again. I thought I was starting to see my life congealing together again. I thought this phase was coming to a close and I would be on my feet again. However, I see that in a month my mother will be gone again and there will be no one to take care of me. There will be one to challenge me and make sure I progress. I will become stagnant and regress once again. This is what I hope to prevent by going to this place although I am afraid.
I am afraid the will take my ideas and brainwash me against me. I am afraid I will no longer be myself. I am afraid of being common. I am afraid of joining the masses in thought that is common to all and not being able to see what lies in the crevices and underbellies of life. I am afraid I will lose myself to a Christian religion. I have fought so hard to separate myself. I hated Christianity as a child. It was forced on us. I hated it. I hated joining in on all that was happening and blending with the colorless goodness of boring classical conservative God fearing folk. I hated it. It seems I still hate it too. My distaste and distain for much that was good and hold has drawn me down into the depths of myself and yet if I were not here I would not be the most unique creature I ever did know. It was good and bad.
Scared you say? You bet. I am scared of who I will become, because now I am more malleable and fragile than ever.