Aug 05, 2011
It can seem to strange to me, even though I know I have Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia, to have my tiredness seem so crippling. I guess it's not something a 37 yr old ever gets used to. I can actually forget why I'm so tired all the time. How bizarre is that? The usual self-depricating questions come in- what's wrong with me, why am I so tired, why can't I have a normal life? Those kinds of questions. It seems that no matter how much research I do the negative thoughts still can creep in and remind me that I can't think my way out of being sick. The information can certainly help me to cope, but I have to validate my humanity. I'm not the only one who gets sick, even though I can feel that way sometimes. I just happen to be sick more often than most.
The usual "poor me's" come into play, but I try to "ride the wave" as my mom used to tell me. Having ultra-rapid bipolar disorder gives me that one easily. I know that in a few days my mood will change. It's amazing what a better mood can do for the coping skills. I know the mood swing is coming, so I count on it. I've never been let down by it either. Gotta love stable instability.
I focus a lot on my evergy levels, even though there are other problems probably more pressing, but they seem to insignicant when I'm exhausted. I had my nephew stay for 2 weeks, and I drove him half way home- met my mom who took him the other half. I got home on Saturday evening, and didn't leave the house again until Thursday. It was bliss to have the ability to "indulge" in my tiredness. My husband is very tolerant of my illnesses, thank goodness. Still, to use the word indulge- it implies I'm enjoying something frivilous.I know I'm not, but that sef-depricating thing happens.
No matter how long I have coped, the coping is still an effort. I don't think I'll ever fully get used to the idea that I'm classified by my governmant as permenently disabled. My intelligence isn't affected by my illnesses, but somehow that word has a sound to it that I find offensive.
Knowing something is one thing, accepting it is another. I think for me, the knowing and accepting of my illnesses is one thing, but the knowing my circumstances are going to get increasingly more difficult and will require me to adjust my boundaries- THAT is the part I have difficulty with. THAT is the part I fin so hard to accept- well, to accept and not feel sorry for myself.
Talking helps, so I have a very well used support network- both online, over the phone and IRL. I'd be dead of it weren't for the many people that know me and love me despite the baggage I carry. I almost wrote crap, but, well, that's self-depricating, isn't it? LOL. Ahhhh, the vicious cycle of mental illness/tiredness/whatever else is wrong with me.
I'm glad I talked. Maybe someone will find this and identify.