Aug 15, 2011
so i just got home from school and i'm pretty damn hungry. all i had today was half of my coffee this morning [[about maybe 50-60 calories?]] then an apple and 20calorie energy drink for lunch. i usually have well under 1000 calories a day. i've been losing weight for the past 8 months, and contrary to popular belief, i'm actively trying to starve myself. i would be anorexic, but i just cant get myself to stop eating altogether. even though i've lost over forty pounds and could honestly stop losing [[i'm about 150, and wanna lose another 40 at the very *least*. for my height, i should be about 95lbs]] i still think of myself as disgustingly fat and that i dont deserve to eat. i just flat out shouldnt. i dont really even like food, but all i ever want to do is eat but i'm not allowed. i have to get skinny so i can be pretty, and i wont stop till i am.
but anyway, i spoiled myself just now and had a tiny piece of bread with some cream cheese on it. it's my one of my few favorites. i'm still starving, but i cant have more. i dont even know if i'll be having dinner tonight because my mom wont cook. but i shouldnt have even eaten that snack... but i guess it's okay, because i walked to and from school today, so i burned a lot of calories i hope. i seriously need to have better control of myself and resist the want to eat. i need to get better at ignoring my stomach...