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FAMILY advice!

Aug 16, 2011 - 5 comments
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family

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Advice

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Infertility



So, I'm wondering how you have all dealt with your family members when it comes to your infertility treatment.  First, have your own parents approached you about why you weren't getting pregnant or were you the one to tell them.  Also, would you say your mom's have been the one you communicate the most with? My mom has been great, which is completely unexpected.  She is really out of her comfort zone and has exceeded all my expectations in terms of supportiveness.  My dad listens when I speak with my mom about our treatment/problems, but he really never says much to me.  He kind of avoids the topic, which for HIM, is very unusual.  He is the more willing to talk about emotions in our family then my mom, so i'm wondering if this is just a male thing.  Do you think it could be b/c I'm a female and he maybe thinks this is something I'd prefer speaking to another woman about? I'm not really hurt by him, just confused and honestly surprised that he doesn't say much.  Actually, now that I think about it, he seems to speak up more when my husband isn't around.  So, maybe it is a matter of him not wanting to comment much when my DH is around.  What do you all think? How is it with your moms vs. dads?

Also, I'm really struggling not to be incredibly angry and hurt by my husband's family.  We have been trying to get pregnant for 3 years and they all know that.  However, not once did one member of his family (other than his sister-in-law, followed then by his one brother, her husband) EVER ask me one thing about our difficulty (or even offer support).  This includes his mother, which I'm completely shocked by.  She is so nosey, I can't believe that her desire to spread gossip alone isn't motivating her to talk to me.  They have spoken to my husband, but pretty much only when he raises the topic.  Otherwise, they act as if nothing is wrong.  I have even brought up the topic myself, thinking that they may not know if it is "ok" to talk about with me.  But, no questions followed.  Nothing.  We do hear from my sister in law that much is spoken behind our backs about what we are and aren't doing, but none of them seem to want to ask us to our faces.  This is so hurtful to us both, but I think particularly to me.  Last time we did IVF and found out it didn't work, I didn't join my DH the next day to visit his family b/c I just wasn't up to it.  I was so sad still and knew I'd cry at the sight of them (since they did know it wasn't successful..my DH did tell them that).  My husband told them that I was taking it hard and that I was sad.  Do you think one person in his family sent me a card, gave me a phone call, told him to tell me they were thinking of me, or anything of the sort? No, not one (except the sister-in-law I mentioned before).  I couldn't believe it.  I felt like I just lost a child and I didn't hear a word from his mother or father.  Even now, apparently word is that they know we had something done and they are pretty sure it was a transfer, but no one called even my husband to ask how things went.  Am I being unfair to expect some support in this way? Any advice on how to solve this issue I'm having?


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by mhv, Aug 17, 2011
My family knows nothing.  My in-laws don't either.  A few of my friends do, but that's it.   They all know I m/c'd, but they don't know we are still trying.  They assume we have quit, and we just leave it at that.  They are always telling us we should be out spending our $ since we "have no children", and we should be traveling more....blah blah blah.  We just lean on each other.  
I think infertility is hard on everyone it reaches.  Either directly, or indirectly.  My friends have pretty much stopped asking, and my family for sure has.  

IDK... I guess in a way, I don't have to answer questions.  Espcecially if it doesn't work.  


Maybe you just need to tell your parents that you need their support?  I am sorry you feel so alone!  that's why I am so addicted to MH.  It's the only place I can share my true feelings and fears.  I have pretty much let people think what they want to think....




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by have 2 kids, Aug 17, 2011
We went through 7 yrs of infertility.  We were constantly asked why we hadn't had any children.  We would tell them we were having difficulty conceiving.   Personally I didn't want to answer alot of questions and have people comment and give all of their suggestions.  

If you need more support than you are getting you will need to tell both sides of the family.  Honestly they probably don't want to pry and upset you.

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by journey2motherhood, Aug 31, 2011
I just came across your post.  We have only told our immediate family, parents, siblings and a few of my close friends as well.  They have all been very supportive thankfully.  But I will have to say I am kind of glad I haven't told anyone other than them.  It's difficult enough to explain IVF, the meds, the reason why you have to go in for so many sonos and bloodwork.  Also when its not successful, its difficult to tell them once again, its a BFN.  A few times my dad has said to me I don't know maybe you just forget about it because you know its probably you waiting to long.  I know he didn't mean to say it in a hurtful way at all, just didn't want me to go through the pain anymore.  He said you are going through so much is it worth it.  I had to stop and ask him well if you had to go through pain for me or my younger sister, would you?  I also feel like sometimes people feel like they don't know what to say.  What's amazing to me is that I got married 3 years ago and no one has asked me so when are you going to have kids?  For my family that is shocking because they are so nozy. lol  
At the same time, it would have been really nice to hear something from your dh's family especially when he told them you were upset.  Or again, maybe they don't know what to say or how to say it.  I don't know, people are funny.  But there is one place you can always come to for support and that is here.  Thank God we have this website to support each other.  I really depend on all of you ladies to get me through the tough times.  

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by Trusting77, Sep 02, 2011
Thanks ladies.  I guess I was expecting too much.  Now that I'm pregnant, I guess none of it matters anymore. My parents are great, always were.  My dad was more quiet about it, but I think that has to do with him being a guy.  Also, it is hard for him to talk about it I think.  He and my mom were thrilled when I told them.  My husbands family had a strange reaction.  They aren't the most excitable, so they just smiled and said congratulations.  My father in law got up from the table right away and hugged me, but no one else moved.  Very few questions came either.  My coworkers literally were more excited than his family.  Since we've told them last Saturday, we haven't heard a word.  No phone call, nothing.  So weird and strange and a little disappointing I must admit.  But, I'm chalking it up to they are different and don't know how to express emotions.  So, I just don't care anymore.  We are thrilled and that is all that matters.  This has taught me how I WON'T treat someone who is going through a difficulty, and perhaps that was a lesson I really needed to learn by going through it myself.  Thank you all for your reflections and thoughts!!! I love having your support!!

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by journey2motherhood, Sep 03, 2011
I'm sorry they weren't more excited for you and your dh.  Just now that all of us here are so very happy for you!  We know exactly what you went through to get there! Enjoy this exciting time now, you deserve it. Joann

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