Sep 10, 2011
I am a 35 year old woman. I have been through a lot in my life. Not sure how I got through most of it. My past does almost nothing but hurt me. I believe my life experiences have effected my mental well being and I fight depression it's a constant battle for me. I try to be as possitive as possible. I often feel alone even though I have people around me and in my life. I have a deep sence of being all alone and hurts so badly I do not understand why it doesnt change or go away it's always there this feeling of terrible heart ache loneliness and pain. I fight it all the time. I am married I have 2 childern 14 and 8 years old. I shouldn't feel this way I am aware of that I often try to tell myself to snap out of it but I can't and don't.
I get thoughts of how I would kill myself and have planned it out but I would not go throught with it because I am needed to much in this world by my childern. I have had really bad days where I can take myself in my mind to the spot I have thought of doing it to end this pain in my heart but I can't there is no excape to it. I have thought of going to the lake tieing concrete blocks to a short rope around my ankles tightly off the peir jumping in and getting pulled under the water where the water would enter my lungs and i would die sinking to the bottom. I realise I will die one day and I just have to get throught till then. I have created a painting in my mind of a counrtry side stopping to incline and a beatiful view of of mountains and sky and a figure of a human alone standing in the center this me and how I feel. It is strange i know but I picture this all the time. Tears are rolling as I type this. I realise no one may ever read this or care but even typing this makes me realise these feels are so real to me.
I have thought about these things for many years now. I wait to feel differently to change. I guess I am waiting for someone to take my hand and love me and fill my soul with light because it's so dark in there I am so far away. I feel sad. I never talk about any of this to anyone because i would never want to burden anyone with my negativity. It's all bottled up tight inside me. Maybe this Journal thing can help me? I am a terrible speller to bad it doesn't have spell check.