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Cheating

Oct 03, 2008 - 46 comments
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cheating

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sex



What is cheating? Is cheating having sexual thoughts about someone else? If so when men/women masterbate and they think of someone who is not their partner is that cheating? Is kissing someone else cheating? How far can you go without cheating?

I would like to hear peoples thoughts about it. Also have you ever cheated on someone or been cheated on? Tell your story.

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by auntiejessi, Oct 03, 2008
Hi there!

I think cheating is when someone else is involved.  I don't think fantasies are cheating - you are still alone with your thoughts.  

For me, I think kissing is cheating.  I also think cyber sex is cheating, if you are interacting with someone else.  Porn is not cheating.  If someone else is involved, and you wouldn't tell your partner, or do it in front of your partner, its cheating, unless you have an explicit agreement with your partner that its ok (and agreement means they are ok with it, not that you said it was going to happen, and they either had to like it or leave).

I've been cheated on.  It stinks.  In my particular situation, I'm sure he felt bad, but not bad enough to not do it again.

Aj



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by mami1323, Oct 03, 2008
I think cheating is any contact with someone.  It could even be emotional cheating even if you are not having sex, if the thoughts are there and you would have sex if the opportunity were to arise.

I just found out about my fiance cheating on me during my pregnancy and almost the first year of our son's life.  We are now in counseling trying to work through it.  He feels horrible for it and wants to make his family work.  I'm giving it another try, if it happens again it's over.

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by becca_3456, Oct 03, 2008
Lusting after someone is cheating. If you are married and you are thinking about having sex with someone other than your spouse that is cheating (it is in the Bible). I think looking at porn is cheating. Fantasies about other people other than your spouse is cheating. You cant go far without cheating, if your thoughts/fantasies are about someone else then you are cheating. Also any contact with someone else other than your spouse is cheating.

I have never been cheated on and I pray I wont ever be cheated on.  

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by mami1323, Oct 03, 2008
Yeah, I think it's the worst betrayal.  It really does damage a family.  becca and I have spoken about this on numerous occasions.

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by Savas, Oct 03, 2008
Heh heh..."sin of intent/thought" is a fairly harsh, destructive philosophy to live by. I don't think even the Catholic Church takes it seriously anymore.

Seriously, an active, mental sexual fantasy life is a healthy tool. Especially when you consider that the reality often falls very short of the fantasy (my wife used to go on about The guitarist from aerosmith, I hear he has bad breathe and hairy toes ;)).

If you want to survive marriage then you should only treat cheating as a real offense in its literal, acted out form. My wife and I often will walk down the street and point someone out and comment where they are on a scale of 1-10 in regards to "Yeah, he/she is definitely doable."

This is from someone who's going into his 16th year...trust me, i know.

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by Vance2335, Oct 03, 2008
I beleive that cheating is an actual act. It can be as mild as kissing or as extreme as sex. Even cyber sex I believe is cheating because you are acting out something that you are not doing with your spouse.

Seeing a person of the opposite sex and thinking "it would be nice to F her" is not cheating because the mind tells us to do and think many different things and it does not mean we act on them. Even thinking about someone other then your partner while masterbating is not cheating because it is one sided and is only in your mind.

Becca the bible says many thing and I do read it and do follow it, but sometime you can't follow everything that it says due to the world we live in.

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by mami1323, Oct 03, 2008
I think flirting with another woman and talking sexual is a form of cheating even if there is no sex.  It leads up to it at some point.  

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by Vance2335, Oct 03, 2008
People often flirt and do not know that they are flirting. In the past I have often been told that I was flirting with this woman or that woman and all I was doing was talking to them and making jokes. I was not trying to get anywhere with them. Now if someone is activly flirting and trying to do something then yes I can see it being cheating.

Talking sexual I think is iffy, Because people often talk about sex and what they do and not trying to get the other person in bed. For example a started to date a girl who I was introduced to by a friend (who was only a woman). My friend and I often spoke about sex when I was dating her friend and other women and it did not turn into anything else. We shared "notes" and it helped us become better sexually with our partners.

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by mami1323, Oct 03, 2008
I'm talking about someone saying sexual comments back and forth.  Not talking about what you do in bed.  I used to have a male friend that we would talk about us having sex with our partners but it never got sexual with each other.  

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by Savas, Oct 03, 2008
Well, let me ask you all a question;

Which woul you have a harder time dealing with, discovering your spouse had had a one night affair with a total stranger they'll never see again;

Or discovering your spouse has been having a long term, non-sexual affair with someone else (I'm not talking friendship here, I'm speaking of a level of emotional intimacy that is only supposed to exist in marriage).

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by mami1323, Oct 03, 2008
Well given that I experienced the second one, I would choose the first.  An emotional affair is so much harder to swallow, but there was sex involved.  It wasn't non-sexual.  I think the sheer fact that he would share life stories and talk to her about things that only I was supposed to know about was terrible.  It was an invasion.  Either is horrible but I would have much more preferred an oops, I made a one time mistake, then feel like he had feelings for her.

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by Vance2335, Oct 03, 2008
Becca-With cyber sex you are acting out actions while speaking or watching someone else act out actions. You are telling them what you would do and getting pleasure on what they would do to you. A private fantasy of me being with Jessica Biel while I am masterbating is not nearly the same as if I was online masterbating watching and talking to a woman.

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by lonewolf07, Oct 03, 2008
Just a thought - call it ravings from the mind of a nerd but after the Industrial Revolution and the emergence of capitalism, there also occurred the problem of who to leave the wealth to.  In pre-industrial societies this wasn't relevant because there wasn't that much wealth to pass on to the next generation.  With capitalism and the accumulation of wealth and property, men - who were pretty much the main wage earners - wanted to ensure that their children really were their biological children and not someone elses.  This was when the concept of romantic love and fidelity began to come about.  (No, I'm not saying a group of men got together and decided to make this a policy).  This is part of what led to the abhorrence of being unfaithful or "cheating".  That's not to say I wouldn't be angry and hurt if my "significant other" was with another woman.  However, I think that comment about about emotional intimacy would be just as hurtful.  No one person can fulfill all our needs.  Also, regarding kissing as cheating - doesn't it depend on the kiss?  A kiss on a friend's cheek or kissing our children is a lot different from a passionate and sexual kiss - I hope.




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by mami1323, Oct 03, 2008
Well my needs weren't being fully met, should I have gone out and cheated?  I think it takes a stronger person to remain faithful.  If the desires aren't being met and your partner isn't able to fulfill them, why is it too hard to end the relationship before straying?  

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by Vance2335, Oct 03, 2008
I think people want to feel stable so staying in a relationship gives them the stability they want/need. But they need to find fulfillment elsewhere. But stability is the key, it can be in a relationship or at work, people want to be stable.

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by RC184, Oct 03, 2008
Okay my husband and I have open communication on all subjects so, I can tell him anything, if I find a man on the street attractive I will tell hom holy cow that guy is hot he laughes but I don't keep it inside and not let him know about it. He as well if he finds a woman attractive he will let me know which I love his honesty and let me know not lust after her behind my eyes that I would find hurtful... Like if we are in the store and this happened the other day and the girl gave him a huge smile and they crossed looks as I call it I kicked him of course because he did it with the intent that I was not looking that to me is disrespect to my person I don't care if he tells me but when he crosses the line and does it thinking I am not watching yes I think that is cheating...Like I told him if I exchange the look with someone he is going to call me out on it ... Why can he do it and I not say anything it goes both ways ....I think if you are emotionally connected with someone is far more hurtful to the partnership then having just a "sex thing" no strings no words nothing...at least for me I can forgive my husband for having sex with someone I will not tell him that, but I will not forgive him if he is emotianally attracted to someone..."just my point of view"

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by Savas, Oct 03, 2008
I get the impression the latter would be worse (emotional) assuming the relationship was kept hidden. I've always had the attitude that "Sex is just sex" as long as you're open and honest with everyone about it. It seems to me the deceit is the greatest issue.

Honestly, the first thought that comes to mind when I think of the concept of my wife cheating on me is; "Well...what the hell was I doing wrong on my end that led to this???"

Then again, it's never really come up for us. I've often said to her; just make sure if you do it you call to let me know where you are and what time you'll be home by so I know if I'll need to order out. :->

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by botchedup, Oct 03, 2008
Cheating is in the eye/heart/mind/of the cheater.  Cheating breaks the heart and mind of the one being cheated on.  If you are that tempted to cheat....you should let the person go and save them their dignity, respect, and possible std.  What comes around goes around that's for sure....Sowing and Reaping never fails.

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by April2, Oct 03, 2008
Jesus said when you lust in your heart it's the same thing as committing adultery but I think he meant if you entertain the thought (you know, play it over and over in your mind, enjoying it, etc.) He didn't mean the fleeting thought we all get in our minds that we can push away. We can't help those thoughts but we can learn to control our thoughts and imaginations.

"casting down imaginations, and every high thing that is exalted against the knowledge of God, and bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ;" 2 Cor. 10:5

And yes, if you are a Bible believing Christian you are supposed to do what the Bible says, not the world.

1 John 2:15-17 "Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. And the world passes away, and the lust thereof: but he that does the will of God abides forever"

Nobody said it would be easy but Christ promises to help us in our times of struggles and temptations. This is not our true home. It's a temporary home that will pass very quickly. Our true home is with Him in Heaven someday. .

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by PrettyKitty1, Oct 03, 2008
So if I watch porn with my husband I am cheating on him??? hahahahaha I can't process that I'm sorry.

I have a celebrity crush: Gerard Butler. Am I a cheater? No. I even told my hubby about it. Everyone is entitled to have sexual fantasies. Heck you can even have a sexual fantasy with someone or something that doesn't even exist. Does that mean you're cheating? of course not. Cheating involves dating/going out/kissing/having sex with another person other than your partner. Of course, the kissing I am talking about is the sexual kiss on the mouth, tongue and all.

I agree with Savas.......looks like my marriage is enrouted in the same direction as his lol

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by PrettyKitty1, Oct 03, 2008
Vance, I just looked at the definition of cheating. The dictionary says it is an act of lying, deception, fraud, trickery, imposture, or imposition. Cheating characteristically is employed to create an unfair advantage, usually in one's own interest, and often at the expense of others.

I'll go now. I want to pet my cat a little.

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by lonewolf07, Oct 03, 2008
mami1323 - I don't know if your response was to me but I don't believe I said go out and cheat.  I said no one person can fulfill all our needs.  Sex is just one need.  Don't get other needs met by your friends and family?  To expect one person to fill ALL our needs isn't realistic and IMHO can ultimately damage the marriage/relationship.  Also, I agree with you that the marriage/relationship should end before "straying" or too many people get hurt.

Savas - order out  lol

Strange that cheating in a relationship brings out more intense emotion than someone cheating on their income tax.

Just another thought ....




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by auntiejessi, Oct 03, 2008
I think we start on a slippery slope when we start defining cheating (or lots of other things) for others.  My definition is different than others, and trying to convince someone else that something is ok or isn't ok is sort of pointless.

I do agree that when it happens, its horrible - its dehumanizing, degrading, and heart breaking.

Aj

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by PrettyKitty1, Oct 03, 2008
auntiejessi, perhaps your response was directed to my second post. I thought of looking at the dictionary since the original primary question is: What is cheating? and then "What are your thoughts?"If you just take a look at it for a sec...and that's why I posted the definition of cheating. I stated my thoughts on my first post, and then attempted to answer the first question using reliable sources, not just what I believe. It is, after all, a dictionary's definition, a patented simple paragraph. I never posted it to rise slippery paths or to cause confusion or more argument.

I have been cheated on before, so yes, it hurts and it brings down your self esteem. Absolutely no doubt about it.

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by becca_3456, Oct 03, 2008
"To expect one person to fill ALL our needs isn't realistic and IMHO can ultimately damage the marriage/relationship."

Ummmmm is this not why people get married in the first place? To have someone complete the us and to fulfill our needs. If not then we would all be running around on each other and s c r e w ing everything that walks, oh wait some people are running around and s c r e wing everything that walks.
If most people would review their moral compass then we would not have to worry about this s h i t!

It really does not matter how we define things like cheating, lying, stealing. We ALL will answer for our actions one day, there is NO escaping Gods judgment. No one can walk a tightrope between right and wrong. Only time will tell who was right and who was wrong. We really dont have time to be justifying our actions, we need to be striving for truth and Godliness. If more people would be consulting GOD, and not other people, on what is right and wrong then our world would not be so s c r e w e d up.      

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by lonewolf07, Oct 03, 2008
Can you honestly say that any one person can fill all your needs?  Can you fill someone else's every need?  We have to do that when our children are babies and toddlers but other than that it seems to me like God is the only one who can fill all our needs - HE knows what our needs are.  People get married for different reasons but this really isn't the place to get into that.




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by April2, Oct 04, 2008
I agree, lonewolf. No one person can fulfill ALL your needs, even your spouse. What about your spiritual needs? That needs to be filled by God. What about friendship needs? Sometimes we just need a girlfriend to talk to and relate to. Our husbands, as much as we might love them, just don't always fill that bill.

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by auntiejessi, Oct 04, 2008
PrettyKitty - No, my comment was directed at everyone who is trying to tell other people that their own definitions are wrong.

Aj



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by PrettyKitty1, Oct 04, 2008
I, too, agree with wolf. You cannot expect for someone to fulfill ALL your needs. Sometimes people get married thinking they will be able to accomplish this task of fulfilling their partner's needs and wants. Well, the only outcome will be disappointment after realizing that this is impossible. So yes, people get married for various and different reasons, and nobody has the power to fulfill their partner's needs. That is why we have to look for what we need some place else, including our mind, imagination, soul, friend, or Jehova.

I'll go pet my cat now..

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by LoosyLucy, Oct 04, 2008
cheating is whatever you and a partner have mutually deemed cheating. i ask my boyfriend. he says "having sex with someone else." but then i ask further, "so you wouldn't mind if i flirted, kissed, etc." he says that i can do what i want... only without him. so you know people really have their differences on what they think cheating is. i think that cheating is anything that you would honestly not want your partner doing to you. i don't mind if my boyfriend looks at pornography. if it bothers me, i try to understand why he likes that, and perhaps see how i could help play into this fantasy. but men, more than women, have a natural/instinctual attraction towards variety, so they will probably look at pornography.

i have been cheated on many times. and i'm young. i just was very naive and unsuspecting and trusting. it came to a point that i figured all men cheated and i would not be in a relationship again. but then i did. so i just think it's really important to communicate... in fact, recently, I CHEATED--fully and indisputably. i thought my boyfriend broke up with me when he didn't really intend to, i was very sad and depressed, and i had sex with a friend who's been tormented and in love with me forever. when my boyfriend was ready to come back from his "break," i told him and he said i'd cheated. i told him i'm really sorry, but i'm not a reservation table=--you can't put me on reservation and not talk to me. so we've all decided we were all at fault for lack of communication. there are sort of gray areas... when it's not clear you're monogamous... cheating seems like it's when you and your partner have lines made, and the lines were crossed. there needs to bee communication, though.

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by LoosyLucy, Oct 04, 2008
when i say "without him," i mean that my boyfriend means without him in my life anymore. that was my first sentence.

cheating will be completely due to the context and the individual. you cannot get around the transient nature of context. we are all different. "TALL" to me means "NORMAL" to many. there are couples who are "swingers" and they've decided that sex with others is okay!

looking it up in a dictionary makes my point even more, since that's based on "context." there are kinds of cheating--maybe that means playing cards? look up "adultery." "cheating" is a word that we've taken out of it's "dictionary" context and applied to relationships. the dictionary doesn't know you're doing that.

i remember when my partner found that i engaged in sexual activity with someone else, he was mad. but then he saw how sorry i was, how much i loved him, how confused i'd been... and his biggest question was, "do you love that other man?" when he saw that i truely loved HIM it all settled. that, to him, was cheating, but if you're intimately involved with someone else, emotionally or physically...

whatever. also i named myself this here not because of being sexually "loose," which some people have implied.

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by dominosarah, Oct 04, 2008
I thought the Eagles had written "Lyin Eyes" about me!!!  I cheated on 2 of my husbands, yes that is what i said...2.  I will not make any excuses as to why i did it as i will not justify it in my head anymore.  I thought the grass was greener on the other side.  We had problems before i cheated and instead of coming to him and saying what i was feeling i threw in the towel and decided to fix it with climbing into bed with another man.  I blamed them for years and all it did was get me deeper and deeper into trouble.  I finally looked within myself and the answers were frighting but i dealt with them.  I will never lower myself to be a mistress who thinks they are being loved in the back seat of a car, on a gravel road or in a hotel room.  Its just not worth it.



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by Roos_mama, Oct 09, 2008
Cheating i feel is anything looking at porn (unless spouse is okay with it),kissing,cyber,actual intercourse,fingering,head,groping. I have been cheated on. It *****. I could never do that to anyone. Once a cheater always a cheater.

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by Vance2335, Oct 10, 2008
I don't believe that saying, once a cheater always a cheater. Somethings people do things do to a various amount of reasons and do not do it again.
I cheated once and was really drunk, don't even really remember it. Have I cheated again...No. Have I wanted to cheat...no. Have I stopped drinking so that I don't end up in a similar situation...yes.

So based on what you have said I am going to cheat again, and that is a very bold statement to make not knowing myself or others who have cheated.

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by mami1323, Oct 10, 2008
I agree with Vance, some people make mistakes.  When they have realized the consequences it's had and the what they could lose they make a conscious effort not to do it again.  The learn their lesson.  To say that statement is a generalization and can't be used from one individual to the next.

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by kimmieboogers, Jan 18, 2009
I dont think thinkin about someone is cheating! i dont think talikn 2 someone is cheating, but I do think it possiably coul lead 2 cheating! I think you should tell your boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse! That you are talkin 2 this person this way! most people aint that real! I think ne thing else beyond talkin is cheatin touchin n ne way! yes some people do make mistakes! all of us do!


I am 20yrs old and I have 2 lil boys! A 2yr old and a 1yr old as you can tell I had them @ a young age and they are only 9months apart! There father is also 20yr and we have been together ever since I was 16yrs old, and every since we got together i have always felt as if i had 2 compete with all these gurls, sum of them didnt even half way look as good as i did lol!!! and he would meet them everywhere! tell me they were his friends girlfriends! so i think instead of bein i fake he should of been like hey im talkin 2 this gurl, and this is how we act twards each other, this is how we talk! BUT even when I did it back 2 him i didnt tell him i was talkin 2 anyone! but when i cheated i left ol dude oants in the car on purpose! I left his socks in tha room and then denied it jus like he did! but in the end we eneded cause he was sleepin with both of my bestfriends! I still love him but i got 2 do me and he can do whoever with whatever!



But you partner doin any of these things! makes you wonder why are you doin this! am i not good enogh is he trippin? eventually you'll want someone 2 appreciate you as well instead of appreciatin everyone else and you! but if my man would have told me he was doin somethin  with someone else he just might get beat up lol!!! jk!!!



Vance, hello my name is kim and I woul like 2 say alot of weman and men do silly things! such as drinkin, fightin, and cheating! my friend she had a man who did all these things! but when they got married had kids she couldnt have asked for better!  so you might feel like you are not a good husband or will not be! jus work on it! no one gets it perfect! but belive you are gettin better, and you will! soonshe couldnt ask 4 more! she already thinks she couldnt! just be you but always try 2 imporve yourself! by you answerin my qustions the way you did! i can tell your a good person! jus let the good shine more than the bad! not everthing is bad! I drink I cry! ive slept with random men! we all I have our moments! surround yorself with good! cause if u around ugly! u start 2 be ugly 2! god bless you once again thank you!!!

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by teko, Jan 18, 2009
Interesting post. I think cheating is like lying. There is no such thing as a little white one. Period.

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by auntiejessi, Jan 18, 2009
I think if you wouldn't do whatever it is you are doing with another person while your partner is standing right there, it can't be good, ya know?  If its innocent, you wouldn't need to hide it.

Aj

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by LOVELACE23, Jan 20, 2009
Good question.if your a swinger and both u dont care i guess it cheating but it being said its ok.now if its done behind the back of the person most diffently cheating and messed up:(watching a porn is not cheating that silly.putting it in to action is.

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by Mitch82, Mar 03, 2009
Cheating is more of a trust thing, its breaking the trust between 2 people, if you are swingers than you have both pretty much said ok to sleeping with other people, however in a general relationship cheating is really anything that betrays that trust.  For example I was at a party once and this chick straight laid a kiss on me, I was just talking to her and she did it out of the blue because she was drunk, I didn't make a big scene or anything but I made sure I didn't happen again as I have a girlfriend.  Now that to me wasn't cheating, i was simply a victim of circumstance, however if  I have actively reciprocated I have broken the trust that my girlfriend has invested in me and I think that is cheating.

So I guess it means different things to different people, some will look at it very black and white, if you slept with another you have cheated, some will look at it from a more emotional point of view.  Some will take circumstance into account for example if there was a major strain on the relationship, they may be willing to forgive an infidelity.


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by Mitch82, Mar 03, 2009
"sin of intent/thought" I also think this is a little harsh, I mean god essentially made these feelings possible, I don't think it's a sin to think something, to act on the other hand is different, life would suck without a little fantasy


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by funkyguy, Nov 11, 2009
Just remember this simple thought: If i cheat, i could lose many. If i don't i could lose a few.

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by mike_no, Apr 13, 2011
I think before I lay down my thoughts about the topic here, would like to distinguish between flirting and cheating. Flirting is plain and simple exploration or probation of interest level of the opposite person or the indirect way to express interest in the opposite person which may or may not lead to 'Cheating'.

Cheating is emotionally or sexually betraying your partner, there are several derivatives to reach this position, it could range right from not being sexually satisfied by the existing partner to vent off infidelity in relationship, circumstances could be many. However, the fact remains that cheating is not really a great way to go about in life, it has grim repurcussions in some way or the other, be it kept hidden or confessed or caught.

Personally, I think a person should break off and seek what he/she is looking for instead of sailing on two boats at the same time, why do I say that? Because I firmly believe, people who cheat are people who want to call: Heads and Tails at the same time on a coin toss.

I realize that there might be people who'd think Mike's wrong or he's judgemental. However, that's my opinion on this topic of discussion, the aforementioned is how I felt during the phase of my life when I was being cheated, it's a bad feeling and hard to get over with, especially if it's done to you by some one who you love the most and want to give the world.

Cheers

Mike

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by OK_, Apr 13, 2011
what effects our mind is a mystery for mostly of us, how we deal with those thought's is our choice and, what acts we take it's our responsibility. So, thinking is not cheating, acting it's changing the reality for bad or good!
Thoughts coming in our mindit can be point 0, to like that thought it's first step and to start planning how to make it real it's the second step, and after than is the third...


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by TTinKKerBBell, Apr 14, 2011
Cheating is anything you would do without your partner's approval and/or knowledge.

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by neibet_ashira, May 09, 2013
I realy like TTinKKerBBell answer : cheating is anything you would do without your partner's approval and or knowledge.

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