Sep 20, 2011
so for the past few weeks now, i've been back in hell. it's so damn hard to be happy. i just dont know what to do with myself. i just sit here, doing nothing.
after reading that poem heero wrote me, i've been trying to resist the need to cut. it's so hard. almost every night i fight it, even if i dont feel bad enough to actually do it. just knowing that i'm trying to kill the addiction makes me want it so much more inside. every night, i get closer and closer to going to that little box and peeling off the black duct tape, and taking out my sharp slice of silver, my razor. i try to think of how much it'd hurt me to betray the promise i made to her, how much it'd hurt her to know i cant control myself, but it just doesnt help. i want to cut, and i want to badly. the last ones are almost healed, and i miss the hurt of my tiny blade. i dont know what to do any more. i tell myself that i survived for years without cutting, made it through the worst times in my life without a physical scratch, and that i dont need to now, but i do need to... i have to. i dont want to. i want to. i cant. i must.
i'm so sick of feeling like this!!! how much longer until i finally have true peace of mind? till it's not an effort to smile? till those hateful words my mind makes me believe leave me alone? i just dont know how much more i can take, before i hit my breaking point again.... because i'm scared that i really will kill myself this time....